My adoption story (as a birth mother) *a long read*, and also I need some advice?
When I was younger, I had a great deal of problems stemming from my mentally abusive home (divorced parents, many stepparents including physically abusive ones, sexual abuse when I was 7, etc.). I was hospitalized in a mental institution at the tender age of 13 due to this.
After receiving mental help, I started to get my act together. Unfortunately, I fell into "puppy love" with a boy when I was 14. Shortly after my 15th birthday, I was pregnant.
When I informed my mother (she was a very cold hearted woman), I was told that either I could get an abortion or live out on the streets. Since I was only 15, I had no idea what my rights were and I seriously thought that my mother would throw me to the hounds. Even though I was so deathly afraid, I stood up to her and told her under no circumstances was I getting an abortion.
A little while after that, my mother came to me and told me that her best friend (who was married and infertile) would be adopting my baby. I knew I couldn't say "No", it wasn't an option.
I met with my mother's friend and her husband and they seemed nice enough. I was given all sorts of promises. I was told that I would still be able to see my baby whenever I wanted and that it would be like a big happy family!
We went through a private agency for the legal documents. I met with the agency once before my child was born and they just rambled off a bunch of legal mumble jumble that no 15 year old would understand.
Then the day came when I gave birth. I was still holding onto my last hope, which would be that when my mother saw her grandchild then SHE would change her mind. I was asked to fill out a form requesting where I would like my baby kept while he/she was in the hospital. I put down the nursery as I wanted the option to go and see my baby without anyone around.
While I was in labor, I was treated like an animal by the hospital staff. And this is NOT some 1950's story, this happened only 13 years ago. My son was born and handed right to my mother's best friend. I didn't even get to touch him. I was whisked off immediately to a separate ward to recover (I had a few minor complications and a very long labor).
I fell asleep and when I awoke 7 hours later, a doctor was signing papers to discharge me from the hospital on psychological grounds. I called my mother (it was 6 am) crying and asking her to come get me because the hospital was releasing me.
I got dressed and wandered back to the maternity ward, hoping to at least catch a glimpse of my baby. I looked in the nursery and he wasn't there. I asked a nurse where my baby was and she told me that the adoptive parents had stayed in a hospital room for the night and he was in there with them (I had NOT signed any type of papers at this point).
The nurse then led me to the front desk where a lady was waiting for me. She simply said "sign here" and handed me a paper. So I signed it and walked away. I was in a state of shock and I wandered the hospital halls crying like a lost little girl until my mother finally showed up and found me.
My mother brought me back up to the maternity ward, so I could say "goodbye" to my son. I was allowed to hold him for exactly 1 minute.
I went home and stayed in bed. I lost so much blood that I shook all day and night and I had a fever. My older sister came in my room to find me buried under a mountain of blankets with my teeth chattering. She ran to my mother and begged her to take me the hospital, she thought I was dying. My mother refused and said it was just a normal process after giving birth.
I remember I tried to take a bath because I felt SO cold and I was standing in the tub and a big blob of tissue (easily larger than a fist) plopped in the water. I just sat down and cried.
The next day (3 days after giving birth) I went to the courthouse. I had to wear adult incontinence diapers because the blood was too much for normal sanitary pads.
The lady from the agency was there, but she didn't say too much to me. Also the father of my son was there and so were his parents. We went into the judge's chamber to sign the official documents. I think something was wrong with the judge though (either he didn't sleep at all or he was drunk). He kept murmuring and mixing up the word "abortion" with "adoption".
I remember I hesistated once before putting my pen to the paper. I looked up and I saw both my mother and the father's parents just staring me...it was like they were saying "Don't you even think about it!". I looked over at the father of the baby and he was happily signing away. I felt so tired physically and emotionally. So I signed the paper. Where I lived at the time, once you sign then it is all over. There is no period to change your mind.
The agency offered me counseling which I decided to accept. I thought it might help some. So a lady came around to my house and we went and sat in a park together. She told me that she was an adoptive mother and then she went on and on abou
My son is 13 years old now. In a few years time, I might be able to see him again if he decides that is what he wants.
Now my only questions are, should I tell him (when he is an adult) that I never wanted to give him up in the first place? Should I tell the adoptive mother that I never wanted to give him away?
Thanks to anyone who decided to read my very long story! Also, thanks in advance to anyone who would like to offer their advice!
about her story. I'll never forget what she said at the end for as long as I live. She said "I live in fear every day that my son's birth mother will knock at our front door."
I decided to end the "counseling sessions" that day.
The adoptive parents didn't keep their promises. I never got to visit with my son (my mother's best friend never spoke to her again), but they were nice enough to at least send me a photo once a year. That is until 4 years ago, when they stopped.
But I never gave up and I tracked them down, even though the adoptive parents had divorced, the adoptive mother moved, and changed my son's name.
I found him and I wrote a letter to the adoptive mother requesting that photos be sent once more. And she replied back, saying that she did not have any recent ones but would send them when she did.
- BOTZLv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
"Now my only questions are, should I tell him (when he is an adult) that I never wanted to give him up in the first place?"
Absolutely yes! I have never felt more at peace than when my mother held me (and I was 32 at the time) and told me that she wanted to keep and raise me more than anything but was not permitted to by her parents -- her father, mostly.
For some reason that I can't explain, I have ALWAYS known that my mom loved me and I always loved her. If she HAD chosen to surrender me for adoption, I would still love her and I wouldn't be angry... however, knowing that she wanted me as much as I wanted her was the most amazing feeling in the world. I have been abused in my adoptive home by my adoptive parents. Knowing that SOMEONE wanted me -- and my own mother (and father), even better -- made going through my past more tolerable and definitely more worth it.
"Should I tell the adoptive mother that I never wanted to give him away?"
Why do you think you should? Why would you want to? I would leave that decision to your son to give him one tiny little element of control over how the reunion progresses. I know you understand how it feels to have absolutely no choice... we, as adoptees, had no choice in our adoptions or lives, either. Please let him tell her IF he wants to and NOT if he doesn't.
I have a feeling she is already aware by the fact that you tracked her down after she cut off contact AND changed his name. You asked for pictures to continue and she MUST know that you care deeply. If, in her mind, that doesn't 'translate' to understanding that you love him, always have, and wanted to keep and raise him... well, maybe she's just not very bright or maybe she's too selfish to think of what you want or maybe -- like that a-mother who "counseled" you (UGH!) -- she is just terribly, terribly afraid.
I think probably that a lot of APs who are trying to live the "as if born to" myth feel that fear. They KNOW that we, their adopted children, have a family 'out there' and that we will likely want to reunite with them. Please don't take it personally. I know it seems like they feel that mothers, like you, who have lost your children are a threat (and some do, I'm sure) but that is THEIR insecurity. You are a mom and your feelings are totally natural. I know, and your son knows, that you wouldn't ever harm him.
Peace to you and I hope you take gentle care of yourself until the time when the full truth can come out and your son can know you and possess his WHOLE truth.
~Take care, BOTZSource(s): Reunited adult adoptee and social worker.
- 1 decade ago
Yes, when you are able to see him I would tell him what happened. Any child would want to know that his birth mother never wanted to give him up and has searched and fought to be in his life.
I agree with most of the people here the adopted mother does not deserve any response from you. She is a horrible woman to do what she did she is a liar, manipulator, and down right a witch. But do not tell this to your son focus on how happy you are to be in his life.
I hope you have cut all ties to your mother, she did something unspeakable! If i were you I would never let her near any more of my children.
I am so sorry you had to go through that, write him letters and keep up trying to see him. If the adopted mother blocks you she can only do it until hes 18 then he is an adult and can choose to see you or not.
- Shelly17Lv 51 decade ago
"Now my only questions are, should I tell him (when he is an adult) that I never wanted to give him up in the first place? "
YES. I told my son and he appreciated that i did not willingly give him away like some unwanted donation to charity. No child wants to be unloved or unwanted, and willingly "giving away" a child or "placing" that child gives this message -- that the child was "not good enough to keep." Adoptees have enough rejection issues without this on top of everything.
"Should I tell the adoptive mother that I never wanted to give him away?"
The relationship is between you and your son. There is no need to tell the adoptive mother anything. Once your son is an adult, there is no need for you to have any dealings with the adoptive mother. She likely wants nothing to do with your anyway (our very existance can be threatening to them, as we are reminders that they are not related to the child they raised, share no family roots, and do not have the experience of pregnancy and birth with -- that child was a part of our very selves for nine months and that bond does not readily go away).
Why lie to your son or hide the truth? You loved and wanted your baby. You were coerced into surrendering. That is the honest truth. There is no sense in covering it up.
- 7 years ago
I would wait until he is of age. Then, try contacting him and talking to him. Be prepared for him to have nothing to do with you. You don't know if he even knows he was adopted. If he does know, he might be curious to meet you. Realize, this won't be an easy thing for you or him. I really hope that you get the chance to meet him and have some sort of relationship with him!! I wouldn't say anything negative about his "parents", as they have been his parents his whole life. Good Luck!!
- How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
- smarmyLv 41 decade ago
You can never go wrong with the truth. You have no idea how things will turn out either way so you might as well tell him your side of the story. It's his beginning and he deserves to hear it. I would refrain from acting irritated toward his parents, it may just cause repercussions. Agencies told adoptive parents (still do) to promise things and then cut off contact once the paper work is in order. They still believe that growing in the dark is best for adoptee's. It's certainly best for their business.
Just be who you are, tell what you know, and hope for the best. Reunion is a huge roller coaster for all parties involved, but it is possible to get through it.Source(s): In a double digit reunion and counting.
- *Love2BLoved*Lv 41 decade ago
I was almost in tears as I was reading your story it almost seems unreal but I would tell him when he's older that you never wanted to give him up and then he can later on decide if he wants you in his life or not . Most likely he will if you tell him your story of what happened . Well good luck , and I hope for the best .
- PhilippaLv 71 decade ago
I was bullied and lied into surrendering by my parents and adoption agency. I was 19, wanted to raise my son, working and capable of raising my son. The adoption paperwork, which I didn't see until post reunion, read as if I wanted my son adopted, most of what is written is untrue, that my mother wanted to help me but couldn't due to ill ill health yet she was the one most adamant that my son was adopted and she was fit enough to help my sister eho was conveniently married with her daughter - sister went to have another 2 children.
My son grew up thinking I didn't want him but was still curious enough to want to search. He found my family soon after he turned 18 in 1999 and they reinforced what he believed and told him further lies. However he still wanted to know me and if we were anything alike.
I found my son in 2004 without actively searching through the internet. I was devastated to find out that we could have been reunited 5 years previously. My son was devastated becasue he found out he had been lied to by my family and false information had been put on the paperwork. I then got what I am entitled to have and went on to tell him what was true on it and what was lies. It hurts him that my family did what they did but at least he knows the truth and has been able to work through this. The positive to come out of this is he knows I love him and always wanted him.
It is better to be honest with your son when you get the chance.
- CarbonDatedLv 71 decade ago
Yes, tell him the truth. You don't have to immediately tell him your story, but just say that you wanted to keep him, but were prevented by family from doing so.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Yes, you need to tell him, but I'm not sure I think it's a good idea telling his amom (although your son may choose to tell her anyway). When you get to know what she, and he, and they are like, then you can figure out what to tell and how to tell.
- LinnyLv 61 decade ago
Tell him the truth. MOST first Mothers were against relinquishing their children, but were forced to do so. Oh, and please dont call yourself a "birth"mother. You are his First Mother. Because you were first. You gave him more than life, and you will discover that when you are reunited with him.
You owe nothing to his adoptive "mother". She obviously didn't care to keep her promise of an open adoption, which most do not, because they know it is not enforceable.
Your son will see through his adoptive "parents" and will be disgusted they kept you from him. Good luck, and I hope you find him. Soon.Source(s): being adopted and in reunion