i'm 42, pregnant & don't know what to do...?
Hi, I am new to this site. I just found out I was pregnant last Friday and I'm so confused and scared I don't know what to do about it. My boyfriend (if you can all him that) is alot younger than me (27yrs). We've known each other for a while but just started dating about 3 months ago after he pursued me relentlessly. We work together but no one knows about us bc it's so new and we were trying to see where it went.
Anyway, I can't believe it but lo & behold, I'm pregnant. With a less than 2% chance of having a child naturally, here I am. He doesn't want me to have it and is pressuring me to have an abortion. He says it will ruin his life and this didn't fit into any of his plans. He said "what are you going to tell this kid" when it grows up "that you were "fooling" around and you got knocked up"? He thinks it's selfish for me to bring this kid into the world without us being in a stable relationship together. I mean 3 weeks ago he professed how much he cared about me, how I'm "his" and how he doesn't want anybody else BUT of course, now he says there's no "hope" for us. Please. His dream is to move to Florida and this baby doesn't fit into his 10 year plan. He never planned on having kids & doesn't want this one. Needless to say, he's freaking out and shocked. He said he will be there for me if I get an abortion but if I have this kid, he's still moving to FLA and "we'll see" what happens. He plans on moving so in April (time of my birth) - he said maybe he'll be in the kids life, he's not sure if he can do it bc it interferes with his "goals". He has begged me, cried, begged me to get an abortion. He says it's the best for all invovled & that right now it's not even a "life". I basically told him that if I have this child, I am giving him his walking papers and he never has to turn back. That I won't force him to be a father and that I don't want anything from him. Then he calls me & texts me and says he's sorry he's just scared & doesn't know what to do. And that he doesn't want me or this kid to hate him but he doesn't want to give up on this dream of moving to Fla (god know what thats about). That his strict Jewish parents are going to kill him and that he doesn't want me to hate him if he can't do this. WHATEVER. Now his grandfather died and he says this is all too much for him to handle. Like I don't have anything going on! See the thing is I do feel bad for him - he's not a bad guy but he's not doing right thing either. I know we didn't plan this and his plans are now ruined but HEY, life happens. Grow up.
I don't know what to do. And please don't tell me how stupid I am, I already feel so stupid. For somene who is SO smart, I really messed up this time. I just had no idea I could get pregnant at my age, I mean my periods have always been irregular and I just thought I was sterile.
So I come from a very OLD-fashioned strict Italian family. I am an only child. My dad is going to be devastated - to him, I am the "perfect" daughter and have never given him any shame. My mother has alzheimers so that throws another thing into the mix. I help to take care of her & moved back home and now live upstairs to help out. I'm 42 and afraid to tell my parents. Can you imagine? They are going to be so disappointed and who knows if they will choose to support me. The shame this carries for them will be too much for them to handle. I know it's stupid to worry about the shame but I hate to hurt them.
I'm just so confused. I've always wanted a child but I wanted a husband & the whole dream. How can I raise this child on my own without a father? With a father that doesn't even want it? How sad is that. It's tearing me apart. I've NEVER believed in abortion but now I don't know whats right for me. I'm torn between both options. Whatever I decide is going to indelibly change my life forever. I have a good job, make good salary and have wonderful friends. I'm so worried. What are the people at work going to say? I have supportive friends and they say to go for it bc this is a miracle from God. I don't know. I'm so scared, I can't breathe.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. It's good to hear that there are others like me out there. I just wish I could figure out what to do. I've got to make a decision soon. I just want to do what's best for all involved. I don't want to ruin anyone's life but I don't know what to do. Both options seem right to me. and I'm riddled with the agony of making this decision on my own.
- unknown friendLv 71 decade agoBest Answer
There is no short answer for this dilemma, but in reading it I can't help notice that you are approaching it from the wrong place. You need to sit down and figure out what you want.
Not your bf, your parents, his parents or anyone else. If your financially stable then you have the ability to be a single parent. Millions of woman do it all the time. Yes it will be hard but you will be fine and so will your child if you choose to keep it.
Your dad will get over it, he loves you, but until you know what you want to do don't let him know, I'm sure if you asked him he would say keep it and learn to accept it. He had probably given up on having grand children from you a long time ago and will most likely be happy about it once the shock wears off.
Regarding your bf he is showing his immaturity and selfishness right now, hopefully it's temporary but if not then your best without him. He helped make the baby and if it was not in his life plans he should have taken precautions. He knew that he was capable of fathering a child. Although you should have also taken precautions, I do understand why you may have thought it not possible due to your age.
Either way, it has happened so now it needs to be dealt with. Stop thinking about everyone else and how they will react and think about you and your baby, what do you want to do? Once you have that answered all the rest of the issues will fall into place.
Abortion is an option but can you live with it? Some can and others can't that's something only you can answer.
No matter which path you choose, I wish you luck and happiness.
- 1 decade ago
sounds like he has other reason besides his 10 year plan...move on and forget him, he was a playtoy and you should have been more careful, As far as ruining his life, he's of legal age and he could have put a coat on it, or kept it zipped. He's the one with a 10 year plan he should have had some 10 protection going on.
But...since the buns in the oven-- so to speak..the question is...are you old enough and grown enough to raise a baby on your own (do not expect any help from him, don't think with your heart, think with your head) Alot of women raise a baby with out the father's help. Plus if he is this set against it, he is not father material. You want someone who will love you and the baby...and it doesn't have to be the real father. (look for an older guy with no children, I realize at 42 this is not an easy task)
If you really want a baby, keep it, don't expect it to change him, it won't. And later down the road he'll either step up to the plate or be gone for good, but those are his choices
And for your parents...a little lie never hurt. Buy a cheap wedding basnd and tell them he's over seas in the war...that way he's easy to get rid of should the right guy come along
- LovemygreatlifeLv 71 decade ago
Oh honey you are not stupid. I was scared out of my mind when I got pregnant at 33 and I was married. It can be a scary situation. I've had friends that had abortions and even 10 years plus later they have still not gotten over it. It has scared them for life. They both admit that is was a purely selfish decision. And really when you think about it is selfish. Because you don't want your life as it is to change. You want to kill a baby because it ruins your 10 year plan. That guy is a toad and you should let him leave and never come back. If he didn't want a baby then I guess he shouldn't have had sex and left it in you. Only fools *** inside a women even with a condom on. Don't be afraid to tell your dad anything. This baby was meant to come into your life for a reason. It sure taught you just how much this guy cares about you. It shows you his moral character too. He doesn't have one. God has given you a gift. Accept it however it was given to you. If you have the abortion you are not even giving the child a chance at anything. If you want you can tell him to give up all rights and you will never ask for child support. I had a friend get pregnant from a one night stand at a business conference. Her daughter is now 9 years old and wonderful. The father lives in another state and has nothing to do with her. He just pays child support.
Feel free to email me privately through my profile anytime you want to talk.
- SATLv 41 decade ago
Tell him to go f#@* himself and do what you want with this baby. Have it or not have it. You are old enough to know what you want. You don't need him to take care of you or the baby. Tell to have a nice life in Florida.
However, before he goes, I would let him know that he WILL be responsible financially for the baby whether it's in his plan or not. He made it, he can pay for it. Wait until after you are sure that you will not naturally abort the baby and then contact a family law attorney. Have him sign something, anything but don't let him get away from you without you first knowing where he is going in Florida, where he will be working etc. . .
And so what if you got pregnant while "fooling around" Who cares how it happened or when. That child is not gonna think badly of you. Don't start now being ashamed of the baby or it may just carry over after it is born. Then and only then would your child think badly of you.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
First, I understand why you are confused.
But remember this, you know that baby is alive, has feelings, and will love you unconditionally. No matter what your crimes are in life, anything is better than killing an innocent baby.
I'm the father of 5 children, trust me, babies are alive in the womb.
As far as the guy goes, you did give him walking papers. Perhaps he would feel less pressured if you signed some walking papers for him. "I release you free & clear of all responsibilities both financial & parental so long as you give me full custody of this baby at all times". Bot sign it, have it notarized.
Next, give him free choice to be part of the baby's life. Perhaps he'll come around.
27 is not too young to be a father at all FYI. When I was 27, I already had 3 kids.
As for your family, like you said they are strict, but strict is as strict does. All you can do is say "I'm pregnant, it's my baby, accept it or don't". You are 42 years old and it sounds more like a tragic teenage pregnant thing. IF your family does not like it, they can deal with it or not. If not, they can stomp their foot until the ground splits open.... IT should not matter. Your life belongs to this baby now.
By the way, parenting is the toughest BUT MOST REWARDING THING you'll ever do in your life.
- IAgirlBAMLv 71 decade ago
I feel for you! Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. What a miracle that given a 2% chance of getting pregnant, you are? This is a scary situation, I know. Motherhood is NOT for sissies! Give it a thought though: everything happens for a reason. Even if he bails out...you met him so that you could have this baby (or not...I won't get into my feelings about abortion as a form of birth control) and given this opportunity. It WILL be hard..you WILL question yourself if this is the right decision no matter which way you decide to go...there WILL be times you wished you had made the other decision...there WILL be times when you are glad you made the decision that is right for YOU. A child is the best gift you can give yourself. If he bails, make sure that you have all the support you need: financially, spiritually, socially, etc., and get on with it! You just have to put one foot in front of the other and MOVE FORWARD. First, forgive yourself, then eventually forgive him, and do what you have to do. Good luck.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Your baby is a miracle,maybe him leaving is a great big blessing too..no dad is better then a selfish mature dad anyway .Sounds like you got two blessings. You can do this and you would never like your self if you got the abortion,even if you kept him you would realize the baby was the better of the deal..I think he doesn't want to pay child support..
doesn't want people to know you are together..using you for a bootie call girl.At 42 of course your parents will expect you have a sex life so and wouldn't they be more disappointed if you got an abortion ? Are they Catholic ? Just because he is not ready to be a daddy doesn't mean you are not ready to be an excellent mom...ps ..google some images of aborted babies before you decide,that will help you make a firmer decision.
- 1 decade ago
Do what you think is best for YOU. Forget what the father thinks. It sounds like you want to have this baby. If so, then you will be able to raise it. You do not have to be married; my advice would be to get rid of the loser regardless!
You will have friends and family to help raise the child. You also might find a nice man to marry someday too.
Don't worry about what people will say, especially people at work. You don't even need to tell them about the pregnancy right away. Don't feel that you have to reveal any details about how you became pregnant. That is personal. It is none of their business. If they continue to pry or spread rumors, then take them up to HR. That would be considered harassment.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I agree with your supportive friends, because it is a miracle! You don't need him...in fact he is a POS imo. I have friends who used a sperm bank at your age (being single). Don't choose abortion. This is probably the last chance you'll have to be a mom. Being a mom is the BEST thing that ever happened to me. If you kill your fetus you will never know who that fetus will be...and what their already destiny is. Don't play God. Be grateful and tell the POS guy to go to Hell!
And don't even name him on the birth certificate...then you will never have to share your child with a POS like that. Tell him/her that you went to the sperm bank and rise to the occasion financially.
BTW if your parents are so old fashioned then they wouldn't want to see you kill their grandbaby! They will come around. I'm sure they already know that their 42 year old daughter has sex. You'll be fine and happy you made the right choice!!
- 1 decade ago
Trust me if your 42 your parents will be more happy than sad, they probably wants a grandchild anyway. Might as well tell, I mean what they gonna do- ground you lol. The only thing that is bothering you is not being the perfect child your parents think you are but my gosh your 42. And if you don't believe in abortion by no means get one. This guy is just telling you that to make it easier on himself, screw him and if you feel like you can raise your baby do it.