Im begging somebody out there please help me..Im begging?
I know its long but please read..
Thanks for reading.
I am home schooled.Have been ever since kindergarten.I only went to preschool.I then joined this YMCA group for home schooled kids for there gym and such. I then got into Swimming because I really loved it.I joined a team when I was I believe 8 years old.I had serious problems with kids picking on me and crap.I had really bad teeth at the time and I was called buck teeth and everything els.And I could careless now.I then got really upset when I was kicked out of my relay (A swimming race of 4 kids in each lane swimming a different stroke) anyway, there was this girl I was friends with who never came to a swim meet nor practice.And I was to every meet and practice in less sick.She then kicked me out of the relay and I asked the coach why.She flat out told me this:
"Because your not good and have no talent."
I then left the team and went to another one.It was great.Until every girl picked on me calling me gay,fat and stupid.I had gained weight because of the 'getting ready to change stage' as my mother calls it.We told the coach and he cared less and he told the girls to stop and it got worse.It was only me they targetted and im serious when I say this.I then left that team and went to another team.And it seemed like they followed me.They all joined that team to.And still continued.I really loved my coach so I didn't quit.She actually worked with me and helped so I just TRIED to ignored the girls which was honestly failure.I was in tears in the lockers 70% of the time.The coach then got pregnet and left and we got a new coach.Who flat ignored me.And I am not even lieing.I was next to a girl I kinda got along with and the coach came up.And I said, "Hey coach!" and she completely ignored me and looked at the other girl, "Hello Melissa how are you today?" Which royally ticked me off.At Christmas I recieved a message on the computer from almost all the girls that hated me and my best friend telling me to have a bad Christmas.And one asked me when I was to die so they could throw a party.So I passed this and my mother sent letters out to the parents worried.This was around the time when the girl hung herself from people on the internet if you even remember.Well I got ignored even more by my coach and I just flat gave up and quit.Over the summer I got a message from the girl that hated me wanting to come back on the team to get me on there relay to go to this thing called champs.Even though they told me I sucked.Makes sense.I just told them no and I haven't swam on a team since.
So my self confendence went to an all time low then.
So I have no friends at all where I live now.I have one who lives in Texas.I met on her on Youtube ALONG time ago.Don't say she's a stalker because I have talked to her on the phone for 2 months.Anyway..
From those peices of crap I never feel good about myself.I always think I should die.I am not the skinniest thing alive..And im not fat.But it hurts because I look in the mirror to see a girl staring back at me ugly.. not pretty.I try and say im pretty and I just can't do it!!
I am constanely teased by my family playfully.. but I just can't take there jokes.It hurts, and I know it shouldn't.
My sister cutts my hair (Because she is a beautition) and she always complained about my bangs and crap so I grew them out to please her.
And then other features she'd tease me about I fixed so she'd leave me alone.My mom finally told her to shut up.But my dad is worse. And its not fair.I tell him he hurts my fealings and I always get the same answer that I need to lighten up.
I feel like I have to change everything about myself.And it hurts.I feel empty.Its not fair.I have nobody to talk to so im kinda pouring my heart out right now.Sorry its long.
I keep this stuff secrets to my only friend so I don't lose her friendship.Im scared of losing friends I get now.Im afraid of getting stabbed in the back again.I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
I don't belong to clicks..I feel alone.I don't even have the feeling to murder myself or anything I just don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Im a dork and so my sister thinks im crazy.I try and be myself and then I feel embarressed for it.What is wrong with me..? .__.
When I talk to my friend im myself totally..Its just..I don't know.
I know I need to let this go..And I just can't! No matter how hard I try..Its still there.
I know thousands of people have this problem..and they just say ignore them.In less you actually went through this, you can't say that.You don't know how this feels. So please don't tell me people have it worse then me.Because I know some do and some don't.
Please..This is not for a sob story.I need help.And nobody will help me.