I'm writing a story, tell me if it sounds good so far?
First I'd like to say that it's a love story. I'm still thinking about the title, but for now it's Locket. I also don't know what the main characters name should be. I want it to sound cute with her lovers name (who also is not named yet) Any suggestions for names? Alright here it goes:
When I was little, I used to think that if everyone in the world -that owned a car- turned on the AC or Heater, and opened all their car doors, we could change the weather. Like if it was Winter, and everyone turned on the heater in their cars and opened all the doors, it would soon become Summer. But I guess I was wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things. Strike one.
I once thought that the United States was the World. No China, or Africa, or even England. The entire world was the United States of America. Strike two.
At the age of seven, I stopped believing in cooties. Leading to a crush. Only later to find that it was my "crush" that put that worm in my sandwich that afternoon. And to think that I ever liked him. Strike three and you're out!
* * * *
The warm air kissed my neck, tingling as it did so. I waited outside of Starbucks for Aimee to deliver my Iced Mocha with extra whip cream. She finally came out. One cup in each hand. She handed me my Iced Mocha. The sides covered with falling droplets, as if the cup were crying. I sip it while I close my eyes. Sighing just as my lips parted from the cherry red straw.
Aimee walked to the nearest bench, and sat down. Her coffee rocking itself towards the edge. I followed her like a lost puppy.
"I'm so glad school is over," she chirps excitedly.
Nodding, I take another sip. "For once, I might actually become bored," I laugh.
"No way (main character's name)," Aimee scolds, "All we will do is par-tay!" Smirking, she chugs the foam the melted whip cream created. Leaving a foam mustache on her upper lip. I just shrug. I didn't really want to go to any parties. I'd probably just embaress myself.
Aimee's short auburn hair bobs up and down as she finishes her drink. I guess it was from the effort of chugging that all down. I check my watch and look back at Aimee. "I gotta go," I say slowly. Trying not to hurt her feelings.
"Oh. That's fine, I was supposed to go meet up with Alyssa and a few other people later anyways," she stands up.
"Alright. Well we should hang out tomorrow. This time we can actually do something," I giggle.
Aimee nods. " I agree. Not the most fun we've ever had, but this is not even close to all the stuff we're going to do for the rest of Summer! So prepare yourself for all the parties. I wasn't joking about them!" Aimee grins.
I force a smile. "Well I'll call you later. Have fun with Alyssa." I abruptly get up, making my way towards the parking lot. If 'fun' were the definition of a party, than people would never be able to say that I was a 'fun' person. Or that they had a 'fun' time hanging out with me. I hated parties. I didn't understand them. Unfortunately Aimee would drag me to all of those parties this Summer. I slam the car door.
So that's the end of chapter 1! Please help me with the names and tell me if it's good so far.Anything that doesn't make sense or doesn't sound right or whatever please tell me. And please excuse any spelling errors I was kind of in a rush. Thanks so much! (:
- 1 decade agoBest Answer
Well, you've got good grammer and structure, but im not sure where this is going... theres not enough information here to really critique your story, but as for the writing, it seems pretty good...
the only mistakes i saw were that you changed tenses a few times, switching from past to present and back again.
"She handed me my Iced Mocha. The sides covered with falling droplets, as if the cup were crying."
"I sip it while I close my eyes"
You should have written,
Sipping it, I closed my eyes.
So make sure you keep your tenses in check.
Also, the dialogue seems a bit... unrealistic. The two girls sound like someone wrote what they were supposed to say, not like two teenagers having a conversation outside of starbucks... So try to make it sound more natural.
If you want anymore help dont hesitate to message me =)
I'd love to help w/ your story!
- 1 decade ago
Hi! That's pretty good!
*Well first of all i kind of was confused when the main character said she didn't want to hurt the other persons feelings. I didn't get it?
*Im confused why is that first part their???
*Well you can name the main character anything! But since you asked i guess i would name her Taylor or Rachel.
*I loved the last paragraph!
* In the beginning you described things beautifully! The warm air kissed my neck...
*Instead of saying AS IF the cup were crying i would do LIKE the cup was crying. Or actually i would do:The sides covered with falling droplets, crying from the heat. I think that sounds better.
Your doing a good job so far! Keep it up
Good luck with your book :)
& Have an awesome day!Source(s): Me,myself and I !!!
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I think the very first part, (the "strike out" part) , shouldn't be at the beginning. You should put it somewhere later in the first chapter,(to do this you need to make your 1st chapter wayyyy longer!), or in the second chapter, where it makes sense. You mixed up the tenses a little too, and the girls don't really talk like real people. Other than that I thought it was pretty good.
- JessicaLv 41 decade ago
It's really quite boring and the girls sound quite young - too young for parties. Summer doesn't need a capital S unless it's at the the start of a sentence. And you're switching tenses a lot. Are you writing in past or present tense? Pick one, and stick to it. And where did the car come from? Chapter One is VERY short. You need to make it longer.
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- ?Lv 51 decade ago
I like it so far. Think you should realize that the "crush" who wormed your sandwich, really LIKED you but he still believed in cooties and didn't know how else to get your attention. You might want to reflect this.
In the 1st chapter, I would take the opportunity to foreshadow something of what is going to happen between you & your "love" later in the story. This will help you later & help the reader to develop an interest in your story.Source(s): Not yelling-just emphasizing!
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I think its good so far, you seem to understand your characters personality despite the absence of a name & that's good.
Some names could be:
Delilah & Daniel
Adam & Eve (lol)
Or maybe something simple like Jane because your character seems to be on the "low key" side. But it is always better to have a unique name & something that is completely your own.
Whatever decision you make, good luck!
- Anonymous1 decade ago
it was entertaining and i liked it!
just fix the tenses...they keep changing.
make a few tweaks here and there and definitely make it longer!
the beginning with the "Strikes" is very awkward..and is irrelevant to the rest..so put that up somewhere else because i liked it!
good luck :)
- LivelikethatLv 41 decade ago
I didn't read it all because, I know its pathetic of me, but I got a little offended by you saying 'England'. England is not a country on its own, it with Scotland, Ireland and Wales makes up the Britain/UK
- Nikki☮Lv 41 decade ago
Sounds good to me :D
For the girl and guy, maybe:
Alexa (Lexie) and Lukas (Luke)
Izadora (Izzy) and Eugene (Gene) <--- Sounds nerdy, but works well for hot, smart guys :D
Delaney (Laney) and Cooper (Coop)
Storm (Stormy) and Aren
Nicole (Nikki) and Clayton (Clay)
- 1 decade ago
I liked it and it could be a good story, just needs a bit of tweeking here an there, good luck.