Complex problem dealing with death, dating, and parents! What can I do?

What Say do kids have in their Parents relationships?

My mom died extremely suddenly when i was a sophomore in high school. A week later my dad was dating, a married woman 'going through a divorce.' It took them 16 months to get divorced. So i suspect she filed only after my mom died. But i Could be wrong,

She has a little bit of a problem controlling how much wine she drinks, she has very bad self-esteem problems, and her and my dad often times fight.

Last time they broke up she mailed his stuff to him (she lives down the street), and he admitted that she was crazy... he jokingly asked me if it was ticking (referring to it as a bomb she would send him). Last time they had a fight she refused to leave the house. my dad nearly had to call the cops because after he finally got her to leave because she stood on the doorstep for 45 mins ringing the doorbell.

She dated my dad for 18 months before telling her daughters (one's a year younger than me, and the other is the same age as my older sister, 22) That's how they met, my sister and her daughter used to be best friends in middle school. She said it was "to give them time to adjust to the divorce" yet a week after my mom died is enough time for me and my sister to adjust.

I'm about to leave for college and my sister has already moved out leaving my dad to be home alone and lonely. I know that he likes the company and at times she can be very affectionate towards him.

But i fear that she is not good for him. Her personality is drama ridden, and flawed at best. The other side to things, is that we live in a very expensive area.

Our houses (being in the same neighborhood) are both worth about $1mil. She's a librarian at a local elementary school, my dad retired and has a second income. He's making over $250k/year. I don't think that she can afford her house next year when her youngest daughter turns 18, and child support stops.

I think she might be trying to use him for his money, and is going to try and move in once he youngest goes to college.

Naturally, i want my dad to be happy, and he claims (when they are together) that she makes him happy. And when they break up he claims she's crazy and he hates the drama. But at the same time, i can not stand this woman. I've made this perfectly clear to my dad and he's done a great job of accommodating my request to not see or hear about her. But if she moves in with him i fear that i will lose my last living parent. I can't imagine coming home for christmas/summer and having to live with this woman and her daughter!

With me leaving i'm afraid of him being lonely and having much more free time to spend with her, increasing the likely hood they will move-in together.

My dad said it will never happen, but on my mom's death bed he also promised my sister he would wait a year to date again, and he told me several lies (ie. i have to work, going to the gym, staying at _____(a friend's) house) when i know he was with her. He also told me he was ending it several times before, and yet they are still together.

As a kid, i'm curious what i can do and what i should do!? I wonder if i hate her because she dating him, or the timing, or her personality, or how unhappy she can make my dad and my fear of her using him. Is this truly me looking out for him, or me being angry about my moms death and her taking her place.

What can i do? how do i handle the situation? ANY advice would be helpful!!!! Thank you.

40 minutes ago - 1 week left to answer.

Additional Details

My mom died of a cerebral hemorrhage. No foul play suspected. However, he was alone with her when it happened, and there was "too much bleeding and damage" to do an autopsy to see if it was a burst aneurysm. She actually stayed alive, paralyzed, and in a coma, on life support for 9 days before the plug was pulled and her organs were donated.

Another thing i can recall him saying several times was talking about what a great life she had, how me and my sister were the highlight of her life and "I never cheated on her."

It could be me just reading in to things though, it was just strange that's what i remember him saying several times during those 9 days, of which i don't remember a whole lot.

29 minutes ago

I flat out asked him of he loved her. he said, "I care about her an awful lot... but, no i don't think i love her. No one can replace your mom."

27 minutes ago

I flat out asked him of he loved her. he said, "I care about her an awful lot... but, no i don't think i love her. No one can replace your mom."

4 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    You have no say in whom your father chooses to date. You can only offer advice and opinion, which you clearly have already done. When it comes to choosing suitable partners, adults your father's age are no better at it than people your age. For me, I don't like the sound of her but, hey, I'm not dating her ... and neither are you. Let your father figure out her suitability for himself and keep your fingers crossed he eventually sees her for the manipulative drama queen she surely is.

  • 4 years ago

    Okay some of these Answers are down right ridiculous. People need to remember that Anna Nicole Smith was a person and she is dead, and maybe you could show a little respect, just because they both lived similar lives doesn't mean she was trying to imitate anyone. How would you feel after your son died? and although her life was in display for all eyes (horny, evil, jealous, bitchy eyes all around the world). You don't know what was going on with her or what challenge she faced. What's happened with the world today? Where people feel so free that they can go so low as to disrespect the dead? And please spare me the Jackassery. But anyway Anna Nicole Smith didn't become a major icon like Marilyn because I personally think she was born in the wrong time period. Marilyn brought something new to the 20th Century and Anna Nicole was born into today's world which is far more advanced and far more harsher than life was back then. I think if Marilyn was born in this time she would be labeled just as negative people labeled Anna Nicole (a hoar, trash, deserving to die, etc.). If Anna Nicole was born in Marilyn Monroe's time I guarantee she would have been the legend. It's all about Time Periods when comparing these too.

  • 1 decade ago

    Sorry to hear about your Mother. Theres not much you can do here with your Father as hes responsible for his own actions and you are becoming old enough to take care of yourself. It sounds like he jumed to her to get over your Moms death and trying to hide his pain. Hes definitely not thinking about what hes doing so hes like on automatic drive and probably wont listen to anyone til he figures this out himself. All you can do is to be there for him when he comes out of his "hiding" and deals with reality. Dont expect him to make much sense til he comes back to life and then he will realize that this lady is not the answer to his problems, so be patient and things will slowly change around. Good luck

    Source(s): Florida Paralegal with a BS degree in Social-Pyschology
  • 1 decade ago

    Well you can only give your opinion. You know how your father will react to that. Other then that you can just hope he makes the right choice.

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