Bad fight with hubby last night. Did I mess up?

My husband and I got into an argument/fight last night. It was over money. I spent money on lingere because we're going through a "dry spell". Right now our finances are really tight but I figured it was for a good cause. That was about a week ago. Well, last night, he was going through our online account and saw how much money I spent ($67) and got upset at me for not telling him in order to balance our account. I didn't tell him because it was supposed to be a surprise and by the the next week, I had forgotten. Anyway, I got mad because he wasn't more understanding on WHY I spent the money. It's not like I was buying new shoes...it was for both of us to enjoy. And I never spend that kind of money without telling him first. It turned into a big blow up fight and I said that "the real problem is that I have to buy lingere in order for you to have sex with me!" I ended up leaving and going to class and by the time I got home he was already in bed (which upset me more). I called him this morning to apologize and hoped he'd apologize back. But he didn't. Instead he said it was my fault and I am mean. When I asked him if he was sorry too, he said no because I make him be mean by the way I act. I know that I have no control over how he chooses to react to me. I think that's a very selfish argument. He's basically saying that it's all my fault that he blows up and says mean things and if I wasn't so negative, he wouldn't treat me that way. Is this really my fault? I realize that I should have told him I spent the money, and I will from now on. But don't both sides need to be sorry for their actions?

Update:

And no, I cannot return the lingere. It's already been worn. Funny how he seemed to like it last week.

22 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago

    okay wow ...

    my bf does the same thing..when he gets mad and starts acting like a jerk, he says its my fault for making him act that way..

    i dont even wanna get into how false the statement is ..but next time hes being mean - - dont LET him..just walk away..mmaybe you could have told him u spent 67 dollars on something which was a surprise...

    i thikn u made a mistake of apologizxing to him..when u apologize it shows him that ur taking full resposibility...and hence it'll human nature for him to milk it out for what its worth..dont worry about it ..and just give it a few days and dont be extra nice or extra mean .,and DONT take the mean things he says seriously ..and im sure he'll come around

    the bigger problem seems like you guys have issues in bed...you need to discuss that

    did he say he was mad you spent money or mad that u didnt tell him as that messes up his balancing ...if hes mad that u spent money on lingerie then you have a right to be a lil insulted, but if hes mad cuz u didnt tell him..well, i dont blame him

    you could have tol him u spent moeny but u wont tell him on what cuz its a surprise

  • A
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    This is a very childish thing to be arguing. The only thing I want to say is I do understand why your husband would be upset if you spent money and didn't tell him because. If you are strapped it probably means you don't have $70 sitting there to spend frivalously. What happens if he sent the power company a check that bounced because you didn't tell him you spent $70 on lingerie? And if you bought lingerie how long were you planning on keeping it before you wore it for him? You hadn't put it on in over a week because you forgot all about buying it (from what you said)

  • 1 decade ago

    I am assuming you spent money you two really didn't have. Your dry spell might be because your husband is stressing over money. It's bad, that you spent the money, but you are right, it was for a good cause.

    Instead of reminding him of how much he liked it however, you blamed him for having to spend the money because he wasn't up to par in bed. That had to hurt.

    When a woman's feelings are hurt, they get sad. When a man's feelings are hurt, (yes, we have feelings.), we get angry. If your husband was really angry, it might be because you really hurt him. He can never tell you that, so I am telling you.

    He will forgive you because he is your husband, and I am sure he is sorry he lost his temper even if he isn't ready to admit it. You might have to be the bigger person this time. Let him show you he is sorry instead of making him say it. Bring the lingerie out again this weekend!

    Source(s): Married 26 years.
  • 1 decade ago

    Well..the part where you spent $67 on lingeries while you're going through a difficult financial phase is really immature. I don't understand your thinking. Your husband is overstressed from lack of money so you decided that 'spending' money would make him feel better.

    Return the lingeries.

    Leave him alone and he'll come around. Men don't like being pressured into talking or apologizing.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You are both wrong. You should never have spent that money without telling him your needed it for a surprise because your a financially distraught. He behaved badly in the way he reacted to your attempt to bring you 2 closer together. Finances are a major deal breaker in marriages. You both need to sit down and budget your money a bit better, set aside money for both of you so you can do as you wish.

  • 1 decade ago

    Why cry over spilled milk. Drop the issue and move on. This is a very common argument between spouses. You are making it worse trying to get apologies, actions speak louder than words. He sounds like a good guy who is just responsible with your finances and you are sexy wife who want to please him. Look at it this way instead of the negative, kiss and makeup. You are drowning in a glass of water.

  • 1 decade ago

    If you work and earn your money then you should have every right and even if you don't you have to have some fun sometimes. He really needs to get over it and he will. If I were you I would be pissed off at him for not getting the reason behind what you bought. He should feel aw-full that he is mad at you because you were only trying to give him some Lovin'.

  • 1 decade ago

    no it's not. i think its more than just money. i think you need to talk about your relationship and where its going. this obviously stemmed from the fact you feel neglected from your husband. the problem is not you spending money and not telling him, or not having sex. but communication.

    you haven't communicated your feelings about sex, and you didn't communicate about money being spent ifyou are on a fixed budget. i know it was all in good intentions, but when it comes to managing a household, all needs to be expressed.

    its not fair for him to blame you for how he feels. you need to express that. if you can't come to conclusion, maybe marriage councelling would help maintain a healthy sex life, and maintain a proper budget.

  • George
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    He didn't do anything wrong to apologize to you, and you knew that you shouldn't have bought that stuff. Now is to late just let it go and don't make that mistake again. Tonight wear that lingere and show him how sorry you are and tell him you'll tell him next time, that should make him forget about it.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    both you guys have a bad attitude

    i can appreciate that you wanted to do something sexy for your man, that's awesome, but why be so defensive? what will that get you? have you ever changed anyone's mind by being argumentative?

    he shouldn't lose his cool though, that is poor behavior on his part

    why aren't you guy having sex though? did you let yourself go compared to how you looked when you guys met?

    there is a deeper issue here, this is just the surface that you described.

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