Good 2 Paragraphs? Please Read?

I am 15

The dark hooded man, pulled up beside, a small building, buzzing with sound and light. He jumped of his chariot and stood outside the door. He slowly put his iron fist on the door and pushed the door swayed open as the people looked out. At the sudden sight of the man the laughter and cheer stopped. As he walked in, the candles around his lost their flame. He was now the centre of attention. With all eyes fixed on him he said “I am looking for a man called Abelard, as anyone seen him?” His voice was deep and cold, like the sound of death. No-one answered. Until a small voice at the back of the bar spoke “I saw him, yesterday, he was at the Tan Ranch Inn up in Brallyfort” there was a long pause, all eyes now focused on the old man who spoke.

“You are a traitor to your race old man!” shouted the villain. The man in black raised his hand and the old man yelled in pain. He was slowly being crushed from the inside. A man sitting at the bar stood up and drew his sword, he swung fiercely at the hooded man, but with his free hand he grabbed the swordsman’s head and crushed him like a mere ant. He fell to the ground along with the old man. No-one else dared challenge this demon as he walked out the bar door. He again sat upon his black chariot. He raised a hand to the bar, it went up in flames. There was a sudden banging on the now locked door and he slowly rode down the dirt path towards Brallyfort.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
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    The dark hooded man pulled up outside a small building that was buzzing with sound and light. He jumped of his chariot and stood outside the door. He slowly put his iron fist on the door and pushed. The door swayed open and the people looked out. At the sudden sight of the man the laughter and cheering stopped. As he walked in the candles around him lost their flame. He was now the center of attention. With all eyes fixed on him he spoke.

    “I am looking for a man called Abelard, has anyone seen him?” His voice was deep and cold, like the sound of death. No-one answered. Then a small voice at the back of the bar called out.

    “I saw him, yesterday, he was at the Tan Ranch Inn up in Brallyfort” There was a long pause and all eyes were now focused on the old man who had spoken.

    “You are a traitor to your race old man!” The man in black raised his hand and the old man yelled in pain. He was slowly being crushed from the inside. A man sitting at the bar stood up and drew his sword. He swung fiercely at the hooded man, but with his free hand the hooded figure grabbed the swordsman’s head and crushed him like a mere ant. He fell to the ground along with the old man. No-one else dared challenge this demon as he walked out the bar door. He again sat upon his black chariot. He raised a hand to the bar. It went up in flames. There was a sudden banging on the now locked door and he slowly rode down the dirt path towards Brallyfort.

    Grammatically it is now correct. I'm not quite sure why the man is calling the old man a traiter to his race for telling him where Abelard is. If he was evil and wanted to kill/hurt Abelard he would probably just turn around and be on his way. Unless of course the hooded man was good and was upset that the old man would tell the location of Abelard to a stranger. If the second then I wonder why this Abelard is so important, which means you should continue writing.

    I would like to suggest some word changes.

    The dark hooded man pulled up outside a small building. The thin walls of the structure betrayed the raucous that was going on inside. He jumped of his chariot and approached the door. He pressed his iron fist to the wood and pushed. The door swung open and the people blinked at the sudden intrusion; all noise stopped at the sight of the man in the doorway. He strode into the room and the candles around him sputtered out forcing him to be the center of attention. With all eyes fixed upon him he spoke.

    "I am looking for a man called Abelard. Has anyone seen him?" A chill spread through the room at the sound. The men shuffled closer together, for his voice invoked feelings of torture and pain. It was deep and cold.

    No one answered. Then a small voice at the back of the bar cautiously called out.

    "I saw him; yesterday. He was at the Tan Ranch Inn up in Brallyfort." There was a long pause. All eyes were now focused upon the old man who had spoken.

    Try to make your sentences flow. You dont need to break up descriptions in different sentences and try to choose words that convey the tone of the character or of whats happening.

    he walked in is fine, but maybe he should stride in or force his way in. Add a little spice. It's the same as instead of saying said say growled or piped up or addressed or admitted or defended...

    Instead of "the candles lost their flame." try "the candles sputtered out." It is more visually descriptive and adds to the tone of the passage.

    Instead of saying that his voice was "like the sound of death." Try conveying that thought through the actions of the people around or use different words instead of just coming out and saying it.

    Otherwise it sounds good. I like the idea and I am interested in finding out who the hooded man is and what he wants with Abelard. I also love your name choices. I struggle most with coming up with unique names for places or for people.

  • 1 decade ago

    Too many unneeded or improperly used commas.

    I don't think you should identify him as the bad guy so fast...let the reader discover this through his actions.His powers are impressive use strong language to describe them. I made some suggestions in your text. I hope they are helpful to you. Nice work, interesting character! Good luck!

    A large man in a dark hood pulled up beside a small building that was buzzing with sound and light. He jumped from his chariot and stood for a moment outside the door. Then he pushed his iron fist against the door so that it slowly swayed open as the people looked out. The sudden appearance of the man stopped the laughter and cheer. As he strode into the room, the candles around him lost their flame. He was the centre of all attention. With everyone's eyes fixed on him, he said, “I am looking for a man called Abelard; has anyone seen him?” His voice was as deep and as cold as the sound of death. No-one answered. Finally, a small voice at the back of the bar spoke “I saw him yesterday at the Tan Ranch Inn up in Brallyfort.” There was a long pause as all eyes now focused on the old man who spoke.

    “You are a traitor to your race, old man!” shouted the hooded man. He raised his hand and the old man cried out in pain. He was slowly being crushed from the inside. A man sitting at the bar stood up, drew his sword and swung fiercely at the hooded man, who swiftly reached out to grab the swordsman’s head and crushed him like a mere ant. He fell to the floor alongside the old man. No-one else dared challenge this madman as he walked out of the barroom. He climbed back onto his black chariot and raised a hand to the bar which immediately burst into flame. A terror-stricken banging on the now locked door followed him as he slowly rode down the dirt path towards Brallyfort.

  • 1 decade ago

    its good i like the line “You are a traitor to your race old man!” But you should describe things more vividly so the readers will be more interested, and can picture things in their minds alot better. Like make the villain seem more scarier and more intimidating, and also describe whats happening to his victim a little bit clearer, like describe the look of terror in their eyes as the man grabbed his head, or the fearful screams of the old man as he was being crushed to death. one more thing u might want to describe the setting and the era the story took place, but all in all it was pretty good. Good Luck:)

  • 1 decade ago

    there was one or two grammar issues, nothing major, just a missing comma or two. the biggest issue i see, is with the format. Every time you begin a quote a new paragraph should begin.

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