"Ironic" doesn't even BEGIN to describe this sorry episode, Tim!
That I, 'The Rt Hon' Lady Leftfoot; Professor of Fine Art & Lovely Priceless Things', should be bundled off in handcuffs by six burly gendarmes - accused of maliciously hurling a gobful of scalding hot tea into the face of The Mona Lisa, no less! - well, it simply defies all reason. The truth is that, far from wishing to deface this great work of art, I was actually studying it with a view to perfecting her enigmatic expression for myself. However, as I stood there, sipping my complimentary cup of English tea and practising that famous "Giaconda smile", a passing Frenchman spotted my facial gymnastics and assumed I was attempting to attract his attention - tantalising his gaelic passions with a 'come hither' smirk. Well, duly fuelled with desire as any lustful Frenchy would be, the saucy rogue then doubled back on himself and snuck up behind me - launching an unexpected assault to the rear which caused me to shriek out in surprise and blindly hurtle my English tea into the air.
And the rest, as they say, constituted this morning's headlines - scurrilously distorted by 'les nooz-peppas Francaise' into to a rendition of events I do not recognise and shall refute most adamantly at my upcoming trial.
Now you know the facts, I trust you will join my campaign;
"Free La Mona Lefta!"