Will you critique this prose for me?

http://victoriousmoon.deviantart.com/art/The-Trage...

Main character is Joseph Goebbels. The setting (in the beginning) is in the bunker as he is murdering his children, then it moves on to Hell.

I'm asking both for critique and if the mood/tone of the piece seems right. I am an aspiring writer (not novels so much as prose and screenplay) and would love to hear your thoughts! Thank you!

3 Answers

Relevance
  • Kya
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Wow.

    I really like it! The first line really grabs you by the throat and yells 'read me, I'm going to be excellent' and the rest of it makes you glad that you listened. The only bit I can really critique is this:

    And now I am sitting in the darkness, hearing the labored breathing of other souls;

    trapped in this inferno which I myself have been cast into,

    Cold, frigid, stiff and motionless. Much less an inferno than a wasteland.

    As he explicitly calls it an 'inferno', then says that it's not an inferno but a 'wasteland'. Maybe you could use a different word in the first instance? Also, you don't need to say 'I myself'. Just say 'I', as 'I myself' implies a greater emphasis on the character, implying that he wanted to cast someone else into it but he ended up there instead.

    I like how it's cyclical and ends with the same line with which it starts.

    9/10 from me!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like it, you have a very admiral skill.

    well the mood does seem right.

    very good!

    =3

  • 1 decade ago

    It seems quite perfect to me. Very interesting and deep.

    Source(s): college student going through hell in a composition class
Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.