Rose
Lv 4
Rose asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Do you have any advice for this story?

I was asked to write a description of my morning in writing class. I needn't share it with the teacher or the class, but for my own personal benefit, could you give me some feedback? Thank you!

I wake up and keep my eyes closed. I am not in my room, but I am in my house. I touch, and I realize I am on my mohair couch. At least I made it to my house. Someone is coming down the stairs. I keep my eyes closed, because I want to avoid any awkward questions, like "why are you sleeping on the couch", or "why are you sleeping on the couch and looking like a fricking mess and not wearing pants". Oh ****. I'm not wearing pants. I make sure I'm covered by the blanket. My stepfather takes far too long downstairs before he leaves for work. I can't go back to sleep. I sit up and open my eyes, but they hurt and my head spins and my stomach flips. I take a deep breath and dizzily stumble into the kitchen, where I take three Advils and down about 3 cups of water. After that I pee, and then go back to the couch, where I hide my face under the blankets and sleep for another hour.

Mom wakes me up and gives me a kiss goodbye, because I won't see her for the rest of the weekend. I don't think I'll remember this later, I'm still mostly asleep. After she leaves, I collapse back into the scratchy pillows and sleep for two more hours.

When I wake up again, it is finally sunny and the clouds that hovered in the air earlier in the morning have lifted. My brother is in the living room. When he notices that I am awake and watching him,ha chuckles and tells me I'm an idiot. It's not my fault he was the designated driver. We could easily be in opposite positions right now. I smile in spite of myself, remembering the past night's events, and tell him to hump a dead moose. The rest of the day is blurry and nauseous. I smile and joke and laugh, but frequently have to take another dose of Advil or sit down for a while. I never once wonder whether it was worth it.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    not much of a story...but definately could be the start of one. from what i read this can be a great prologue (haha i feel like im giving everyone here on yahoo answers this same advice)

    but if you ARE planning to turn this into a full fledged story, i would recommend not saying that last part about how the rest of the day went in 2 sentences, but maybe make that into the first sentences of your first chapter.

    other than that, by itself it qualifies as an "a+" assignment, but not much else.

    sorry, probably not the feedback you were looking for but really, it doesnt need much more polishing, its fine as it is (except for a few spelling and grammatical errors).

    but again, if you are planning to write a story, i would recommend not writing this detailed and descriptive in EVERY part of the rest of the story.

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