This is the start of my book. How does it sound?

I don't know how the thing spaced everything when I pasted it but I hope it turned out good. This is just the very brief beginning but hey, can't help to get some constructive crittisium. I learned to dive right into it (Punch THEN take names..) so it starts out with her in the GYN ultrasound room... enjoy!

“Pregnant!” Kiwi screamed at the top to her lungs. “I can’t possibly be pregnant! Run the test again!” She ordered Doctor Dolland. But she was at least one hundred prevent sure he was right. She felt woozy and light head. Not to mention that she felt like her stomach was going to burst, like she’d eaten a whole Thanks Giving dinner on her own. But the thing was, she felt that way twenty-four/seven. And another thing, what Flu lasts for four whole months?

1) Gaining weight, check

2) Flu-like symptoms excluding a high fever, check

3) Mood swings that have your family wanting to kill you slowly and painfully, double check

Yep. She was. There was no doubt in her mind.

But that didn’t stop her from wanting the doctor from checking again.

“Well, Ms. Greene, it looks like you are about six months pregnant.” The Doctor informed her. “I’d say you started actually feeling pregnant when you were two months along. Congratulations!” He threw his hands up like this was some holy chant. But she was feeling anything but holy. This was definitely the work of Satan.

“But… but this doesn’t make sense.” Kiwi stared at the wall, but she really wasn’t staring at anything. She was thinking. Okay, so she threw up a few times and she was getting fat and she was... Oh god! She really was pregnant!

She was going to lose her lunch. Oh, well, that’s normal. But she did feel like she was going to pass out or run away or kill someone, maybe all three.

Then she blurted out “I need a Scotch!” before she even thought. “Oh man! I can’t even drink anymore can I?!?” She crossed her eyes and dipped her head back in frustration.

“Uh, I wouldn’t advise you have any alcoholic beverages… But excessive alcohol use during pregnancy is a leading cause of mental retardation. Some babies may also develop fetal alcohol syndrome. It is not clear how much, if any, alcohol is safe during pregnancy, therefore it is wise for pregnant women to avoid drinking any alcohol.”

“Thank you Doctor Genius.” She said sarcastically “You know, you could of just said no.”

Hey ONLY constructive crittisim.<---I have no clue how to spell that so... you know, tell me if I spelled it right.

THANKS!

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    ~The plot is interesting. From the start, I got hooked, but lost attention after "this was definitely the work of satan."

    Also, I wouldn't like "screamed at the top of her lungs" with "ordered" right after. Choose one.

    ~Why is she so depressed when Kiwi found out she had a baby? Underage? Not enough money? I'm confused!

    ~Rae is right. This is what she wrote:

    I HATE it when reading a list like that in the middle of a novel/paragraph, when you explain the pregnancy symptoms. You could word it like, "It was obvious she had been gaining weight, and her mood swings certainly wasn't helping the argument. The morning sickness only intensified the truth." That really caught my attention. The whole 1) _____, check 2) ______, check and 3) _______, check kind of made me go "Why is it formatted in such a way? Why not just put it in a sentence or two?"

    ~"But that didn’t stop her from wanting the doctor from checking again." should be "But that didn't stop her from wanting the doctor to check again." and maybe even add in something about a pregnancy test or Kiwi being pregnant just to add more description.

    ~"She felt woozy and light head" should be "She felt woozy and light headed."

    ~Perhaps "Yep. She was." could be changed to "Yep. She was pregnant alright."

    ~Kiwi sounds like a unique name, but if her last name is Greene, it sounds like you tried to pair up the name with two things that matched. In this case, a kiwi is green on the inside, so she's Kiwi Greene. Did you do that on purpose? Perhaps you should change "Kiwi"...

    ~"But she was at least one hundred PREVENT sure he was right." It should be "But she was at least one hundred PERCENT sure he was right."

    ~Okay, this woman just found out she had a baby. It makes me start to hate the character when she wants an alcoholic beverage when there's a six-month old baby inside of her.

    ~I would try to use bigger vocabulary, and perhaps make the story more interesting. I stopped reading, as I said before.

    You used "..." a lot, and also Doctor Genius? That's a no-no in my book. Actually, the last paragraph just sounds misplaced and annoying to me. Kiwi was sad. Why is she so snappy and sarcastic all of a sudden?

    ~The writing is a little mediocre, but that's what makes it interesting, I guess. I mean, I don't like books that adults read, but I don't want it to sound like some 2nd grader wrote it, either.

    ~Try fixing it. It's okay, but not good enough to get published. But it depends. Maybe you could post another when you're done with more of the book.

    ~C-O-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I-V-E

    ~C-R-I-T-I-C-S-M

    Source(s): A person who likes reading :)
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Lol, it's 'criticism'. :-) But don't feel bad, it's an easy mistake.

    Wow! Nice idea. I like the drama in this, and I love how you've managed to encorporate a bit of humor into it as well. Though it's not really explaining why Kiwi really doesn't want to be pregnant.

    Is she worried she'll get kicked out of home? Does she have no money? Is she too young for a baby?

    So yeah, I'd edit it and try to put that in there.

    And where you've written:

    'But that didn’t stop her from wanting the doctor from checking again.'

    It should be:

    'But that didn't stop her from wanting the doctor to check again. '

    But to make it more descriptive, you could change it to:

    'But that didn't stop her from wanting the doctor to redo the pregnancy test.'

    And where you've got:

    'She felt woozy and light head.'

    It should be:

    'She felt woozy and light headED.'

    So there's just a few typos that can be easily fixed (I make them all the time and usually don't realize it until it's too late, lol), but apart from that, excellent! Bravo. I really like it! I'd definitely buy this if it were in a bookstore!

    :]

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    lol, okay, here's my constructive "criticism". ;) [you were close.]

    It's not bad. It sounds pretty good, actually.

    Some things I didn't like, though ...

    1. I HATE it when reading a list like that in the middle of a novel/paragraph, when you explain the pregnancy symptoms. You could word it like, "It was obvious she had been gaining weight, and her mood swings certainly wasn't helping the argument. The morning sickness only intensified the truth."

    2. There was some grammar errors, but I'm sure you could fix it with some editing. *Also: in the first paragraph, you said, "one hundred PREVENT" .. it should be "percent", I think it was just a typo. ;)

    3. Personally, I like "Dr. Dolland" rather than "Doctor Dolland" better, but that's just me.

    Otherwise, I quite enjoyed it. I thought it was funny in some parts, too, lol. Quote, "She was going to lose her lunch. Oh, well, that's normal."

    Nice work, good luck! :)

    Source(s): My own experience, past books I've read, and English classes.
  • 5 years ago

    F...- to the NO, if thats what i'm reading to pick the book up

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  • 1 decade ago

    i like

    but am a little confused

    but in a good way

    keep writin' :D

    Source(s): me lol
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