Could our expectations be our real downfall?
I've had a few conversations with some friends of both sexes about dating/marriage, in relation to being single. And many of them have convinced themselves that it's difficult to find someone that doesn't bring some intense degree of insanity into their lives. I personally believed that statements like this being made from both 'sides of the fence' signals that the real issue is a problem that most singles have with comfortability. Meaning finding the courage to step outside of their comfort-zone by letting their guard down and letting someone in.
Many of them went on to state (which lead to a heated debate) that they can't find someone who lives up to their expectations, which when read was an elaborate maze of 'do's and don'ts' for anyone who was thinking about giving them a chance at love. The women stated that they can't find a man to stay faithful, keep a job, and handle their responsibility. Taking care of the needs, wants and desires of their families. and on the flip side of that, the men stated that they can't find a woman who's 'freaky' enough, will stay in the 'perfect shape' the way they like her (regardless of child birth) or a woman who's 'traditional' (as we often argue about here).
No matter what the concerns with demands that where not being met, I couldn't help but ask these single people if the demands they'd placed on a potential mate maybe the reason why many of them where still single?
For me personally, no matter the hard exterior that any man or woman tries to wear to block themselves from being vulnerable to a 'no good man' or 'conniving woman', when our arguments, concerns, and questions have all been addressed, we all 'need love'. I believe that our anatomy, our minds, and hearts have made us this way (regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, social class and/or religion).
With that being said, what do you guys think? Do you think that maybe the 'standards' we place on the men/women we want in life, to spend the rest of our lives with is what leads us to reject anyone who doesn't fit that perfect list of expectations?
- ?Lv 71 decade agoBest Answer
I once heard it said that achieving true happiness is simply a case of setting your standards low enough. The less you need to be happy the easier it is acquire all you need. This is particularly true today with mass media advertising pushing all manner of ridiculous standards and promising that "in just 20 minutes a day in your own home" you can have the face and body of a super model, earn 7 figures in your spare time, and still have the stamina to boff like a bunny rabbit at the end of the day. Who could possibly live up to that?
Take a look at World History and it's readily apparent the life long heterosexual monogamy is not only not the most common form of regulating society, it is actually one of the rarer and least successful, this is clear from the current levels of infidelity and divorce. Originally marriage was created as a legal matter for the regulation of property transfer between generations and had nothing to do with love, that's why arranged marriages were the norm for so long, in many areas they still are. What made marriage work in the past was the fact that legal inequalities prohibited women from any kind of financial independence and marriage, or at least some form of being owned by a man, was a matter of survival. As women have achieved greater independence the "need" has diminished and been replaced by the much less practical and pragmatic "dreams" of what they want. The reverse is true for men, when women couldn't survive without a man men tended to take them for granted and treat them like property. There was a saying in the '60s that every women knew she was a divorce away from welfare, the thing was that men knew that too and used it as an excuse for cheating and abuse. Such a marriage was in no way a relationship between equals, and because of that very few people today give any thought to what a genuine working committed relationship between equals would entail, when both sides go into it thinking only about what they are getting and not considering what they are going to have to give in return the recipe is one for disaster, which is why over half of all American marriages break up in the first 2 - 5 years.
I honestly think that to make a marriage, or any long term committed relationship, work both people need to sit down in advance and open honest and totally frank lines of communication about what they are going to expect, in clear concrete and well defined terms, and are willing to give, after they are married is not the time to find those things out. I do agree with you, however, that we all have an instinctive need for companionship in our lives, humans are a social species after all, and far too often that need leads people to rush into commitments without thinking them through. It's sad, but in our "instant gratification" oriented society people are simply not being raised to think in terms of long term effort, especially in relationships, people today think more in terms of "toss and replace", and that is no less true with a spouse or lover than with a CD or car.
- HeidiLv 44 years ago
work is another word for slavery. If you don't work, then don't eat. It's an archaic concept that should be obsolete by more, we have the resources, technology and intelligence to live in a world where currency doesn't exist, all things are free, people can go to school free to live their passion contributing their gift freely to the world, but people are also too greedy, stubborn, closed minded and prefer the current slave system. Work for money, that's what they say. I think there should be no currency, work your passion, don't have a passion? Live life doing whatever makes you happy. Can't do that with this slave system, everything requires money, it's all useless paper with no real value, the true value is in humanity, but no one sees it.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
it's not bad to have a list of qualities for a partner as long as those qualities are lucid. for instance i would like someone who is intelligent: that could be a guy with a PhD or or an electrician who conducts experiments in his backyard. i'd also like someone with depth, a sense of humor, some form of attractiveness - whether it's an attractive character or body - and a certain level of responsibility.
i don't think this is too much to ask. i'm able to acknowledge people as the fantastic beings that they are and still measure them by my personal set of standards for selecting a potential mate.
- FromafarLv 61 decade ago
As 'Imposter said' no one actually waits until the ideal mate shows up. But once we get a hold of someone, then it might become a clash of egos or a merger of personalities. At least I find that the "he/she should love me for who I am" banner only makes sense for really old folks. Young people are going to change, they want to change, but they can choose to change with someone they wish to love or they can 'love their own image' and change with it.
So I would say that "I love me forever" is the worse standard. The rest you pick up from ideal images that have little to do with the mate you will end up with, who will then only live down to your expectations.
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- Imposter HLv 41 decade ago
Frankly, nobody actually does that. Everybody has an ideal mate in mind then settles for what they can get. If people truly rejected people who didn't fit their ideal standards, we would have far more single people. Instead, we settle for what we can get and project our ideals onto them and get upset when they "don't respect us enough" to conform to our vision of an ideal mate.
The fallacy is in the concept that any two people will be compatible enough to spend "the rest of their lives together" happily. It does happen, but it's the exception not the rule.
Also, I believe that people certainly need companionship...but not necessarily "love." I'd rather go through my life loving a series of women passionately for short periods and ending the relationship when it fades than spend my whole life with one woman grasping desperately to an ever-fading love.Source(s): I teach "pickup" in the Dirty Vegas.
- JazzLv 41 decade ago
We're all human so of course we have our likes and dislikes, but I agree it's totally unrealistic and even somewhat silly to expect to have every demand met on your 'wish list'. One of the things I've learned regrading the dating world is to just make peace with your perceived 'faults' you find in a potential mate. This is not to say that you should put up with someone whom you just cannot stand, but if you genuinely like someone then you shouldn't have a problem facing the fact that he/she is not going to be 100% of what you'd like them to be.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I have always said that I'd rather be single than married to the wrong person. I ended up married to the wrong person and realized just how true that statement was. I'm now divorced and have even stricter standards than I did before my marriage. Never settle for less than what you want in a partner or you will end up disappointed, frustrated, and very unhappy.
- Gentleman PhilLv 41 decade ago
It used to be much simpler. Men were providers, women were homemakers. Nobody really required that much of each other. Those days are over.
Edit- There are far too many expectations on women now.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
I have no list, as long as they are a good person who likes having a laugh then it will be good times, or is that a list already, lmao!! and a chick who likes doing dangerous stuff would be cool too :)
- Rio MadeiraLv 71 decade ago
Yes, some people do have impossible standards, but it can be easy to forget about them when you meet someone with whom you have a genuine connection.