Anna J
Lv 5
Anna J asked in TravelAfrica & Middle EastLebanon · 1 decade ago

Should the husband confess to his wife if he cheated on her?

Help me, so,

A very young man and a very young woman came from different countries to study in the Soviet Union, meet each other.

They love each other and lived together for years. They couldn't legally marry because as foreigners in the USSR, they would have to fly back and forth to their own countries, and as students they don't have the money to do that. And the woman's family want her to marry someone from her own country.

Both the man and the woman are very patriotic by the way.

So after a few years together, the very young woman becomes a young woman and decided that there was no future, she could never leave her own country and all her family to live in Mid-East with her boyfriend. So the young woman rejects the young man and flew from the USSR to Mexico and USA to finish university.

(An important point is that they broke up NOT because they didn't love each other anymore.)

After a while the young man thinks she has left for good, finishes his studies, marries a local woman and has a baby daughter. Very soon after this, the young woman still loves the man and came back to see him, not expecting him to be married I think.

The young woman was probably sad, and she asked to carry that man's baby. The MARRIED young man (with a 1-year-old daughter) agreed to the woman's decision and they expect a baby daughter...(so the girl wasn't an accident or anything).

They both stayed in the same city and the father would visit the daughter and the gf 1, 2 times a month...

After a few years, the woman takes the girl and move back to her country and got married. The man also took his family back to his own country.

The daughter grows up with her mom and step-dad never knowing her father. Her step-father became her legal father who basically never even notices the girl. The girl becomes a moody teenager with serious emotional problems. She didn't like the step-father a bit and made problems until the woman/mother contacted the father and ask him to see the girl. The girl meets the man again after 10 years separated and immediately adores him. I think the father loves her too... But if anyone knows about her then the father would have problems for committing adultery obviously.

So the girl will rarely ever see him, and has to stay a secret and can rarely phone him.

The girl wants to think that cause she loves him so much she wouldn't want him to have any problems with his life and family, but deep down she also wants to be known so that she could be/talk with the father always. That is probably a selfish thought...

but what is the RIGHT, MORAL thing for the father and the daughter to do? Because the daughter apparently really wants to be with him, except she doesn't want problems for him either...Is it immoral (for the girl) to secretly want the father to come clean to his family so that she could know her father and her siblings? What is the right thing for the father to do?

Update:

Thanks for even reading this! I tried to make it short already, I cut out tons of details but it still ends up long :( Poor daddy, it wasn't his decision!!!! Aw I miss him :(

Update 2:

oh and did I mention the married man and the married woman still are VERY close...though they shouldn't be.

Update 3:

That's true Kate!!! :( Sometimes I wish things were different.

Update 4:

wow ~ your answers are touching enough for tears! Thanks. I think I will come to a conclusion that ME the girl, only 1 person hurt ... is better than having his HUGE family, (whom I don't know but love) hurt. I will tell him that if I could go to Lebanon :)

Update 5:

Thanks LBebe!!!!! I cannot possibly choose a best answer for this question. But I am printing it out and keeping it, maybe until the day things work out...somehow, when one of us dies or something like that.

Update 6:

I am also VERY very glad that I spent the time to write this.

Update 7:

I forgot to mention. I'm actually supportive of his cheating - cause if he didn't... I'd never exist, at all.

10 Answers

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    I actually know someone who has gone through this and was in this very same situation.

    The man actually revealed to his wife and family back home that he had a child with another woman. He used to come here every few months to visit his daughter. From what I can say, his wife wasnt too happy. But in the end she accepted the daughter and realized its not the fault of the girl. Everything was fine until the father was sent back home and not allowed to come back to the States. The daughter thought for some reason he chose the other family over her, although he maintains contact with her daily and supports and truly loves her. I have seen how much this man loves her and he has broken down in front of me.

    My point is some people have fathers who they live with and these fathers are not affectionate. Some people have fathers who leave them and they start whole new lives and never look at the children they had. You have a father who loves you so much and cares about you and this is better than anything. I am sure he is more torn up than you are, can you imagine having a child that you cannot be with because you fear you will lose everything else? Can you imagine the burden he must be carrying? Do not think he doesnt want to be with you

    No it is not immoral for the girl to want the father to come clean. I think you are being very mature and you want to get to know your siblings this says a lot about you and I admire that.

    As for the father, I am being honest the moral thing is coming clean. But at the same time he is not being immoral with you. He is obviously bonding with you and loving you. Be patient and give him time I am sure in time he will come clean on his own.

    Although the married man and married woman should not be close. This is not fair to their spouses and to their other children. This is like living a double life...Im sorry I do not agree with it. I cannot imagine being married and finding out my husband is continuing some sort of relationship with a past love.

    Your not being selfish at all...but the adults are, there are children caught in the middle of this and other spouses and its not fair.

    edit@ u said: Thanks. I think I will come to a conclusion that ME the girl, only 1 person hurt ... is better than having his HUGE family, (whom I don't know but love) hurt. I will tell him that if I could go to Lebanon :)

    me: Habibte, wrong conclusion you shouldnt look at like its better to hurt you than to hurt a huge family. You are apart of his family, hurting you is hurting family. You shouldnt look at it that way at all.

    This is the conclusion: you should look at it like you are protecting him because you love him and because he loves you. Do not compare the love he has for you to the love he has for the rest of his family you are all family and I am sure he loves you all the same.

    Source(s): LB xoxo
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    No matter what the guy does , people are going to be hurt...both his family & the young girl are the innocent victims of adult decisions made for what seemed like the right reasons...

    You cannot turn the clock back....it would not be fair for him to desert his family ..cause upset & hurt to other innocent parties whatever the motive.

    Sometimes fate deals us a strange hand & we just have to make the best of it & get on with life....I suspect that this is one of those occasions where even the wisdom of Solomon wouldn't solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction..

    Source(s): J...
  • 1 decade ago

    I don't know why the father left his own daughter. I think that the best way was to do what they were doing talk on the phone/online and see each other every while. At least that's better than being hopeless not to see each other again.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    The daughter can't really do much. It's her father's decision. Nice story..She should talk to her father about this. If he refuses to come clean to his wife, i think this would cause problems because a secret like this cannot be kept. He cheated on his wife. She can just understand it and stay with him.

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  • 1 decade ago

    wow I dunno what to say...but I wouldn't make the man say anything to his family unless he was ready to do it...people's lives are more complicated (the proof is in your story)...feelings sometimes get the best of us and then we might regret the consequences to the acts and how it affected our life (here wanting to raise the baby as a family and not being able to) after a while but we never regret the ACT (in this case wanting to have the baby) itself...so I think the man loves his daughter dearly and is torn and frustrated, he can lose everything and become unhappy...or he can have contact with the daughter and still keep his family...I dunno, it's really something HARD to decide

    EDIT:

    sweetie...I know things are not what you want them to be, but I'm sure you can settle for a bit less than what you expect and take baby steps...getting to know you, with time, he will weigh things and take bigger steps. He loves you but he doesn't know you (I think)...get to know him vacations, emails, chatting etc etc

  • Ahh, this happens so much these days, I dont know what to tell you excpet ur such a strong girl for being able to deal with all of this

    keep faith high God knows whats best and inshallah he will unite u and ur father under more favorable conditions soon and everything will be okay

  • LiLi
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    wow what a story

    i think the father should act now! he should be honest about it with his family, wife and children. cause it's not fair to the daughter to see her father rarely. i guess the wife will be understanding and will be aware that it's not the girls fault after all if her husband didn't commit on what he promised for!!! LOYALTY

  • 1 decade ago

    wallaw mich 3am khalis 2reye :P

    bas the question is

    should the man cheat?!

  • G Bone
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    of course!

    and if he had a right reason (i dont think there will be) the wife should forgive, but the truth must be told!

  • Tia
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    It seems so complicated... and you're such a considerate person given your age... I honestly don't know what to tell you

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