everyone.....easy 10 points!!!!!!?

hey guys! this is the 3rd chapter of the novel I'm making!!!! for those who have already read the first 2 chapters I'm counting on your comments again this time!!!!!!!

Chapter 3: Faint Memories

“Do you wish to live?” a soft voice said looking down at a young lad hopelessly lying on the ground at a dirty street alley wounded. With such intense carnelian eyes, the lad stared aimlessly back to the air tremblingly answered the voice, “Yes, I… w-ant - to – live… I… do - not – w-ant… to... die.”

The young man dimly staring at the vast sky heard the voice spoke and whispered to his ear, “Very well then. I shall grant your wish in return, never leave my side for all eternity.” His eyes became heavy, his eyelids begun to close, the only thing that makes him feel assured is the fading voice that he heard. The lad closed his eyes and was about to take a rest, it was a nice dream he thought, hearing voices that could mean that his death has come. However, he heard something else, not the voice, no, something dripping. He can still sense and feel something even though his senses are starting to get cold and numb. He can feel something cold and icy that licked and touched his neck until he felt the shivers and something was buried deep on his neck. “I’m going to die. I don’t want to die. Someone, anyone, help me. Save me.”

Allen’s eyes blurted open and as soon as he calmed down he whispered, “A dream?” and he gave a long sigh. He stands up and brushes his messy platinum blonde hair as he walks and steps out of his room. He walked and returned to his study and sat near his desk. He saw Lawrence’s report instantly and cared to review it when someone knocked at the door.

“I knew I’d find you in here Young Master. So, how was your sleep? Would you like to have some snacks? A tea, perhaps?” Lawrence abruptly said as soon as he entered the room.

“Mmmm.” Allen faintly answered.

“Then I shall prepare the tea and cakes.”

As soon as Lawrence left, Allen looked up at the grandfather clock near his bookshelf and saw that it was past six in the evening already. He continued to read the papers on his hand and found a stained piece of card that fell in between of the report that Lawrence left for him to read. Allen picked up the card and his body begun to react strangely. He dropped the report and it scattered across the floor. He felt dizzy and his body is shaking. His heart began to beat fast and he’s catching up with his breath. He immediately recognizes the faint smell on the card. It was blood. The card reeks of the scent of blood. He took his time calming himself and to catch his breath. And as soon as he did, he took quite a deep sigh and finally regained his composure. He picked up the card once again and stashed it somewhere at his desk as he picks the scattered paper on the floor and rearranges it.

Lawrence entered after knocking to his little master’s room bringing the tea and a slice of cake. He saw his master standing by the glass window; the curtain was slightly lifted, as Allen stares at the other side seeing how dreary the street of London is.

“Young Master, here’s your tea.” Lawrence said handing a cup of tea to Allen.

Like always, Allen sniffs the tea first and takes the first sip. “Chamomile?” Allen said.

“Yes, it is chamomile. Amazing how you knew the brand of tea in an instant Young Master.” Lawrence answered enthusiastically.

“The sweet and pleasant scent of tea calms me.” Allen said as he continued to dink the tea till the very last drop. “Then I guess you won’t have enough room for the cake then Young Master.” Handing the empty cup of tea to Lawrence and asking for another batch, completely ignoring the slice of cake that has been prepared.

A few moments later, Allen stood from his seat and asked for his coat walking down the aisles of his house towards the entrance door. “Where are we going Young Master?” Lawrence asked as politely as ever. Allen paused for a second as he wears his coat and smilingly he answered Lawrence, “Fleet Street.”

They arrived at Fleet Street a few minutes after nine. They immediately roam around the alleys of the creepy street in search for one person, the whereabouts of Mr. Naliei Ornello. They’ve stumbled upon Mr. Naliei’s apartment building a few blocks from the main street and let themselves in. Reaching the third floor, a room just about the corner from the stairs, Lawrence knocked at the wooden door quite a few times but nobody answered. Puzzled as they are, Lawrence continued to knock a few more times, still, no one answered the door. Allen reached for the door knob, and to their surprise it was not locked. They opened it, heart thumping, and led them in, sneaking and exploring if there is but at least someone inside.

The room was dimly lit and a little further up from the door they saw a shade of someone near the unsheathed curtain all curled up on the wooden floor. Lawrence found the light switch and clicked it. The room bega

6 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    not bad, some very interesting ideas there...

    you've set the atmosphere/mood up really well, and I like your descriptions too.

    I don't know if this is intentional... but I'd just be careful with your use of tenses, you seem to switch between talking in the present tense and past tense a lot, which can be very confusing at times and stops the story from flowing smoothly.

    one other thing I found a bit weird was that you used 'tremblingly' (first paragraph) and 'smilingly' (third last para.). These are just suggestions, by no means do you have to use them or anything, but perhaps something like "the lad stared aimlessly into the air - then, trembling slightly, answered ..." or "Allen pauses for a second as he puts on his coat and answers Laurence with a small smile ..." just rounds off the phrase a little more nicely.

    I hope I helped ^.^ keep on writing, and I hope to read your other chapters soon =]

  • 1 decade ago

    You shouldnt put your ideas on Yahoo answers someone could easily steal them and if your trying to make money off it then i suggest you take them off. p.syou should consider making this a manga it would mean you would have more chapters in already since mangas are basically long comics.

    Source(s): ME
  • 1 decade ago

    Very intersting chapter :) Very nice use of words. Am waiting for the forth chapter! Keep it up!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Keep it up man!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    your book is good so far :) and i liked this chappy it sets a great mood ^_^

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    easy 2 points you meen...

    dont get me wrong its rly good

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