So, I wrote this. It's only a beginning and I personally don't like it.... tell me what you think..?

Basically, I haven't thought it over much. It's basically about a teenage girl who gets thrown into a futuristic situation. I'm basically writing as i go which may not be the best strategy. I wanna hear your honest take on it so far. Be sure to include any way you think i could make it better

thanks

I used to sneak out at night. I used to examine the stars and nobody knew. And I often ran past my limits. I wanted to feel my limbs ache and the blood pulse through my veins. I needed to be reminded that I was still human. My very species had been purged of its understanding of the universe. There was very little we were told of the outside anymore.

I pushed myself past my limits. What were limits really? For so long I had been idolized. Melanie Heart of Earth had no limits. She could do everything. At least, that’s what they had told me. Yet, they searched me constantly. I was constantly monitored. For flaws. So, I was imperfect. I had limits.

I ran so far from the base that I reached the Outskirts. Homes stood proudly, despite the names they had been deemed. They lived happily despite their reputations. Being able to do such a thing was a foreign concept. Some had lights on and some were dark. Some had few windows and some had many. Some stood 2 or 3 stories whereas some looked to be 2 room houses. So different. All had a personality it seemed.

A V-58 Drone flew somewhere above me. I was so used to its sound. The annoying whirring that I recognized from my years as an Apprentice. They had me working on V-58 engines in need of repair, everyday I had to ear the whirring. I ran faster into the night, challenging the Drone to follow me, to race me. It didn’t see me. I was too well trained. A master in the art of stealth and deceit.

Good Melanie and Bad Melanie fought in my head. Good Melanie shouldn’t be out this late. The curfew must be obeyed. Imagine the trouble if the Night Watchmen took a round through the barracks! No Melanie asleep soundly in her cot.

Bad Melanie debated. I’m tired of being the star pupil. Let them find that I’m gone. Let them come looking for me. Let me get written a Court Marshall for sneaking out. It’d be the first.

I slipped through the gates the same way I had come. Sweat drenched my sleepwear. All was silent. All asleep. All well-behaved. Except for me. The Guardhouse stood tall and dark on the far side of the gates. It didn’t hold the same dominance over me as it had when they first brought me here. I kicked at the gravel below me, boldly sending it whizzing forward. The Building of Re-Correction stood on the left of the Academy entrance. “The place where the naughty little boys and girls are punished”, they had smiled and told us when my pod first arrived here.

I hurried past the Garage, the schoolhouse, the Command Center, the Training facility, and the Armory. All places of great memories and great lies. The night was still and I moved through it silently and easily. The moon guided my path through the dark halls of the barracks until I made it to my room. I looked upon the heads of all my fellow pupils tucked soundly in their cots. Not one head stirred. Not one tossed and turned with the nightmares like I did every night. I had not one friend among those fifty cots. They all resented me for achieving so much when they had achieved so little. I tip toed among those beds and to mine. I climbed into my retreat of covers and dreamed of the times before this world had been brought upon me.

“She has potential that much is certain. The only question remaining is The Rule.”

“I’m sure we can pull some strings.”

“Well, let’s hope so.”

Their voices echoed down the hallways. They assumed I couldn’t hear them. They assumed I was too naïve to understand any of this. All I wanted was to be home. The room was cold and I had wires hooked up to me that stung when I moved. I heard footsteps down the hall. The man who had stuck these wires to me appeared in the doorway. He looked to be in his mid twenties and was clean shaven and had blonde shiny hair. He wore shiny spectacles that were perfectly circular. He looked way too young to already have reached the rank of Captain. It took at least 10 years just to finish apprenticeship. He must be quite smart. “Well, Melanie, you may leave now. Your results were quite superior.” he said with a smile. “What exactly did I do well?” I asked. I was very confused. A daze had come over me and my memory of the past few minutes was completely blurry. “The vaccine must still be in effect. That’s rather odd.” He scrunched his nose and pulled a notepad out of his pocket. He scribbled something down vigorously before turning back to me. “You completed a training simulation, and did it rather well.” That didn’t seem so extraordinary to me. I had completed many training simulations back at the School for the Young. He removed the wires

Update:

wow.. i just realized that yahoo answers has a "character limit" and like half of what i wrote didn't even fit.

sorry for the abrupt ending

that's not really how i stopped

i'm 14 by the way

11 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Personally in my opinion,

    this is coming from a 13 yr old here, but...

    i thought it was long. confusing and i think its good but you could addd more pazaz! you know pazaz! more fun to it. while subtracting sum other junk. its good but when you add pazaazzz! and suubtract some junky sentences it will be even better!

    keep writing it dont give up!

    :)

    Source(s): my source is my brain, all respect goes to my brain and its knowledge of reading comp. heheh :)
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    hey that was soo good! i absolutely loved it and don't normally like this genre so it does say a lot! three things though, 1) as someone said the sentences are a bit short and "stabby" which works at the beginning however, as we go further along some simi-colons could be used for varied punctuation. 2) maybe the use of a more varied and intrepid vocabulary could just give just a pinch more to the story and finally the Captain sounds a bit like carlisle of twilight but that's probably a big coincidence :D thats from a 14 year old set 2 english just finished year 9 girl :D

  • 1 decade ago

    wow that was really good! I like the futuristic feel! All I really have to say is that I think that the good melanie and the bed melanie, when they "talk" they should have quotation marks between what they say.

    The other comments left about how you should change the beginning and stuff are stupid. the beginning is very good.. i really liked it.

  • It's rather confusing. But you are leading up to the details and explanation detail by detail, right?

    And it sounds like a mash up of several different movies and books I have read and seen before.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Why Post Material You Don't Like? xD

    Its Not Bad.

    Source(s): www.soundclick.com/exileownzall
  • 1 decade ago

    I didnt feel like reading alot.

    Make the beggining inviting and intresting.Also the

    sentances are to short and stabby.

    Awnserr??

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Arbdd...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I want to read more so bad! It's way better than you think it is. I really got into it quick. It was great.

  • 1 decade ago

    I liked it! I can totally see this getting published.

    Answer mine?

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlrXy...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Looked good as a scrolled past it.

  • 1 decade ago

    Wow! That Was good!!!

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