Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Hey could u read a chapter or 2 of this?

okay well im writing a book and yes there are grammer problems along the way but just tell me wat u think...oh and u dont have to read it all just at leat the Prolouge please!!! THNX!!!

Prolouge

The moonless night brought forth no comfert to the demon king Zulu as he sat on a Throne made of the finest wood found in the underworld. He had been waiting for so long for his goal he could almost taste it. He needed just four more of the Seen items of despair and he could rule the whole land of Aegene. He reached down and gripped the goblet his drink was in and slurped it down with a viscoius growl. His tail moving back and forth out of the impatiantniess of the wait his molton body growing redder from the frustration as his eyes narrowed on the deserts terrian to see his messanger imp finally. With in five minutes the imp made it to his master and kneeled. "My master i bring news of the next target" it gasped slightly trembling in it's masters pressence."Tell me !" roared the mighty demon his maul opening up with a blazing inferno ready to be unleashed behind it. The imp whimpered "Its moving to a tiny town next to the city Galahad, the tiny town is just south of there." The mighty demons maul turned into a sinister smile excellent my servent now send the spies to retreive it so we may continue this quest and soon rule all of Aegene. The mighty demon chuckeled into the cool night air ready for his prize that awaited him. Looking out over the hills of sand he could see a storm brewing in the direction of the Despair item.

Chapter One

The boom from the thunder woke him up as the storm began to hit. All the lights in the little one-roomed house were out leaving the only source of light possible, the lightning. with each flash he could see the outline of each peice of shotty furnature he owned. He layed there in his twin sized bed with no shirt on and a light pair of shorts. During his slumber he had taken his blanket off of him and kicked it on the floor , for it was one of the most humid nights of his life. As another flash of lighting hit followed by a boom from the thunder he took his rough ragid hands and placed them on his face running them up his dark mess of sweaty brown hair.

The rain began to poor even harder as he could hear the constant beat of each heavy drop. As he was close to falling back asleep there was a loud and perfuse whine of a horse somewhere outside , followed by a light rapping on the door. "Great who would be out in a storm like this" he grumbled under his breath as he sat up his sculpted muscles showing his hard life of work and labor. He got to his feet and put on a pair of black trousers with suspenders on them as he slid them up to his shoulders the rapping countinued to get louder. "One moment please" he said loud enough so that whoever was on the other side of the door could clearly hear him, and maybe even hear in his voice the hint of irretation they was bringing him for making him get out of his little but comfratble enough bed.

He reached the door with another flash of lighting as he stood in the door way a nice height of six foot two, he was stunned at what was at what was on the other side of the door. A completly drenched woman beautiful in all stature was leaning heavily against the door, her cloths she was wearing obviously weighing her weakend body which was clearly a unatural sight for who might lay eyes on the woman. She had dark red hair which fell to her lower back even in the rain. Her breathing was heavy and short as she struggled to say anything to the man " I am Elane Swan sir and i humbley request that i may stay here at least until the storm is over." each word she said was like heaven to his ears as he stared in awe at her. "Yes yes, please come in" he said in a hurry as he moved out of the way for her to step inside.

Elane steped through the door as quick as possible thankful to be out of the storm as she slid her boots off at the door way so she didn't track mud in his house. "oh my where are my manners" the man said nervous that such a woman had entered his home "My name is Chirstopher Templer." She smiled at him as she was able to see somewhat clearer , her eyes going from top to bottom of the man that saved her from the storm. Christopher hurried to the carosine lattern lighting it so she may see his shotty yet humble little home. "You may make yourself at home Mrs. Swan i will tend to your horse and put it with mine in my stables." "Thank you so much for your hospitality , it's so nice to know that there is still some hero's in this land no matter how big or small the heroic deed is." Chirstopher could only smile at Elane " no thanks is necessary miss, now you get yourself situated to your likeing and ill return as soon as i can."

Christopher steped out side in the freezing cold rain the wind whipping through the fields and into his face making it all the colder. He approched the horse each step a sloshing sound made from his boots. "Come on

3 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    In terms of technicalities, there are many grammar and spelling errors, but those can be easily fixed. Also keep in mind that with dialogue, you have to begin a new paragraph each time a different character speaks. That would also help to clean up the layout of your writing.

    Your writing style shows potential, but I notice that it's drowning in cliches such as "each word she said was like heaven to his ears as he stared in awe at her." Something else that would really help is varied sentence starters; in the prologue, several of the sentences begin with "he..." or "the..."

    These are just rudimentary tips, but hopefully they'll help a bit. :)

  • 1 decade ago

    yeah,pretty good.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    ...........................................................................................................ah......................................................................................................................................that....wa.....was goood? im not trying ti be rude or any thing but it needs some work :)

    Source(s): me! :D
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