Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Hey can you read the first chapter of my book?

Max came in rolling down to his lunch table. I couldn’t help but stare at him. A lot of people would stare at Max, but I would actually look at him. Noticing his blue green eyes, and seeing his smile when his friends would tell a joke. Max isn’t normal, its true. But most people say that he isn’t normal because he is in a wheelchair, well I feel that he is not normal because of his personality and how handsome he is.

When I told my friend I liked Max, she laughed in my face, now this was almost a year ago but I still remember the summer night, cool, but the lightening bugs were just coming out. I was with my friend, Jesse. She had a red ice pop, and her lips were slightly turning color. Our first day of middle school would be in just a mere 3 days. It was the last summer sleep over. We went inside and we were playing hottie or nottie. We started off with some hot boys in our grade, then we went to the grade above us. She said common people that everyone knows, like Austin and Zach. Then she said Max. I said “hottie” with an ashamed look on my face.

“BAHHAHAHAHAHAA GOOD ONE EM!” Jesse said to me. But then she realized how my cheeks were bright red, that I wasn’t joking at all. “ Emily, your not joking, are you?” I told her no and that I really like him a lot and she just looked at me. She knew I was weird like that, always liking the boy everyone hates.

So back in the lunch room, I glance over to max lik I usually do, but today, Max is looking right at me, with a little smile on his face, and a quick wave of his hand which was in a black glove. I see him, and his friend, Frankie, walking and rolling, to my table. He found out I liked him, I just knew it. I saw my neighbor, who I told, who is friends with max, a few days ago, I guess I knew what was coming next.

suggestions, comments?

11 Answers

  • Peach
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer


    "Max came in rolling down"

    is he a bowling ball? This makes no coherent sense.

    You babble on like an overexcited middle school pre-teen, and I just can't take interest in this drivel, sorry. It's boring and features poor grammar, writing technique, and spelling errors.

  • 1 decade ago

    It needs a lot of work. But I think its a good start.

    Here is some advice to make your first chapter better.

    First, you have a few unnecessary things. For example 'Max is looking right at me, with a little smile on his face and a quick wave of his hand which was in a black glove.' You really don't need to say that his hand was in a black glove.

    The sentence 'But then she realized how my cheeks were bright red, that I wasn't joking at all' doesn't really make sense.

    Maybe you could say 'But then she realized my cheeks were bright and instantly knew that I wasn't joking.

    You also have several run-on sentences. You should break them up.

    Other than those few mistakes (that I noticed) your first chapter is pretty good.(:

  • Erika
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    confident actually needs extra description. How approximately--As Mr. McAlister first wakes up groggy and perplexed he can see and experience the wires tangled and chilly for the time of his physique. As his eyes look previous the mess of colour he can experience the complicated metallic restraining his wrist from moving. It reminds him the time he replaced into first arrested as a youthful guy. the sensation of chilly metallic crushing down on your wrist making you experience uncomfortable and vulnerable. He somewhat is conscious what's occurring, yet like countless first circumstances you by no skill forget, he's time-honored with he's trapped. ok, so it somewhat is an occasion. yet you will see it has somewhat extra feeling to it. Substance, i think of, is the be conscious. It facilitates to advance the character and scene. See the main important concern alongside with your get right of entry to is I have no concept what area of the e book this financial ruin comes from. If it somewhat is the 1st financial ruin, i like how the action starts off up spectacular away, yet you will somewhat need to advance McAlister immediately. If it somewhat is further alongside, which i think of it somewhat is, and you have already developed McAlister then the long communique works, yet you nevertheless would desire to describe the scene, and constantly McAlsiter's thoughts and thoughts. i be attentive to if that we are me sitting in that chair i may be freaking out, yet it somewhat is me and that i think of McAlister's demeanor is little calmer. sturdy success, i think of this e book form has been written one trillion circumstances so which you're able to desire to stand out alongside with your character. remember this, comparable scene distinctive character. WWMD--what might McAlister do!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I agree with Nicki, you need to break it into paragraphs.

    When you start a new idea, you start a new paragraph.

    So, here, you would separate the scene where Emily is staring at Max from the scene where she and Jesse are playing the game into noticeable paragraphs.. right now it looks like one huge paragraph.

    Like everyone else mentioned, there looks to be no editing whatsoever. You need to look into grammar and structure, hun.

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  • 1 decade ago

    ♥ I really like it. Great start. Try describing the story more. If you were Emily, what would you see. Describe it, don't just tell it. Paint a picture. You need to edit some of your sentences, and put paragraphs. I also think you should use just a sentence to describe how to play hottie or nottie, even though you get it after reading into it. Great start, Keep Going!! ♥

  • 1 decade ago

    I like it!

    It's got a great plot and sounds really sweet! But I would try to add a little more detail to everything, unless you want that raw-sharp kind of feel. But if you're trying to make it sound a little more thorough, you should make each part last a little longer; add more details to each section of the chapter, and you should be good.

    And maybe you could build on Em's character more? It would bring her to life a lot!

    Also, I got you some sites on writing books, so they should be helpful.

    -Lauren :]

  • 12638
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    To be honest, I didn't read it. What you need to do is seperate the sections in to paragraphs so that it is easier for your audience to read. Looking at a big block of words like that can put some people off. I'm one of them.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    There are a lot of run-on sentences. You're telling the story, not showing it.

  • Kitty
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    It needs a little work, it gets choppy in places but it was actually a really good start. It grabbed my attention. I really liked it. (:

  • 1 decade ago

    Great story! I really like it. Keep writing! The pictures I created in my head was very clear. I want to know what happens next!

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