My wife allowing her child and family of origin to destory marriage?

my wife has an only child when i met her. we discussed the fact that her child was very spoiled and he needed discipline. also the fact that her family has before i met her made the little prince the center of everyone's attention. i told her children need boundaries and the marriage has to be put first and the child would be much better off learning a good marriage and how to put others first sometimes and learn patience rather than be dotted on. i've been married for a few years in in that time we've had next to zero time together because her child screams if he doesn't get all the attention. also her father has died and her mother constantly tries to control her and tell her how to raise the child and cause problems. also her family of origin takes all her time. she says it's her obligatioin now to take care of her mother now that her father is gone and she refuses to put the marriage first at any time over her child. i've tried and tried to get through to her but at my wits end. she doesn't listen so what is the next step? i hate doing something drastic but i told her, i'm not ever again coming in last place and she has to put the marriage first. she can't. so what should i do when i've communcated to her the problem but nothing changes?

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    That's why these issues should have been discussed first.

    LIVING IN STEP-FAMILIES: PRE-MARITAL EXPECTATIONS

    Before any couple "ties the knot" they should talk about what they expect from each other and from their marriage. When the marriage will create a step-family, this is especially important.

    People considering marriage often have different ideas of what they expect from each other. Discussing expectations prior to taking that big step will help a couple set realistic goals and make realistic commitments to each other. This guide, designed specifically for prospective step-families, will aid you and your children in discussing ideas and making plans for a satisfying family life.

    Creating a successful step-family environment can have many rewards for its members, but it requires more than love and good intentions. Flexibility, commitment and realistic expectations will all contribute to a successful step-family.

    Developing realistic expectations involves understanding and accepting the ways a stepfamily structure differs from that of a first-time family. An understanding of these differences will help create a satisfying marital relationship and family life.

    A remarriage occurs only after a marriage ends, either through death or divorce, and dreams of marrying and living "happily ever after" have been shattered. Because of this, parents and children often must deal with feelings of sadness, anger, hurt and disillusionment. These feelings must be overcome before children and adults can trust and have faith in new relationships. Also, because the parent-child bond originated before the new couple's relationship, stepparents join a family that already has loyalties, traditions, and roles established. Stepparents sometimes feel like outsiders.

    Children in step-families have had to cope with the partial or complete loss of a parental relationship. There is a biological parent, in memory or in actuality, who is still important to the child, and who will have an influence on the new step-family. Children remember "how my mom did it when she was alive," or that "Dad always lets me stay up late at his house."

    Because children may spend time in two different households with different rules and expectations, they need to learn how to make smooth transitions. They may experience loyalty conflicts not realizing you can love two people (e.g., father and stepfather) in the same role. They may need to learn how to deal with the differences in values and lifestyles between the two homes.

    Another structural difference must be considered before forming a step-family. A newly married couple usually has time to get to know one another gradually and make marital adjustments before adding a child with the accompanying new roles and responsibilities of parenthood. With remarriage, one is a new spouse and a parent or step-parent from the start. Because of this added complexity, it is especially important to discuss expectations and make plans for the transitions involved. Such planning has the potential of reducing stress for the couple and their children.

    Despite the complexities, (and sometimes because of them), a healthy step-family can provide many rewards and satisfactions for step-family members. For adults, remarriage can provide a new opportunity to develop a satisfying intimate relationship. For children who have witnessed the failure of their biological parents' relationship through divorce or have experienced the pain of a parent's death, witnessing their parent's satisfying remarried relationship can renew their faith in close interpersonal relationships.

    PRE-MARITAL DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

    Personal Goals and Expectations

    Jobs

    Household Arrangements

    Financial Matters

    Children

    Relationships With Others

    Communication

    Sexual Expectations

    UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANSWERS

    Personal Goals and Expectations

    Jobs

    Household Arrangements

    Financial Matters

    Children

    Relationships With Others

    Communication

    Sexual Expectations

    THE CHILDREN

    References

    Currier, Cecile (1982). Learning to Step Together : A Course for Step- family Adults, Step-family Association of America, Inc., 28 Allegheny Ave., Suite 1307, Baltimore, MD 21204

    Coleman, M. and Ganong, L. (1987). An evaluation of the step-family self-help literature for children and adolescents. Family Relations, 36 (1), 64-65.

    Mills, David M . (1984). A mode l for step-family development. Family Relations, 33, 365-372

    Visher, Emily & Visher, John (198 2). How to Win as a Step-family, new York: December Books

    Email George_McCasland@yahoo.com to receive the full document.

  • 1 decade ago

    It's a difficult situation. The truth is that the love she feels for her son is different than the love she feels for you. I understand when you say "put the marriage first and the child will benefit from it". I have to say that you are right. It will create a balance in the child's life and also, have this child respect you later on in life when he becomes a rebel teenager like we all do. If your wife isn't 'getting it', you should clearly express it once again and for the sake of your happiness, set a date to give up. Whatever time makes you feel comfortable... a year or two, six months... I don't know. Tell her if things don't change for the benefit of the family that you are the head of, then you will leave and find somebody else that listens to you, as a husband and father, and build your own family.

  • 1 decade ago

    This is a really tough situation. Is it possible for you to re-locate for a job and perhaps get away from the family influence and give you and your wife a chance to trust and depend on each other?

    Disciplining step-children is never easy and must be done with extreme care and cooperation of both parent and step-parent in order for the child to learn to treat you with respect and honor.

    I'm sorry, but sometimes the family is the problem instead of the solution. Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    She is caught in the middle! Blended families are never easy because the kids dont always accept a new "daddy figure". Maybe if you can try and bond with this child (not easy at first) like doing father/son things away from the family he will accept you and make things easier when you want to spend time with his mom.

    As far as the mother she needs to get a life! I would ask the mother if she wants to see her daughter single again.

    Source(s): I was a single mom with my daughter and had trouble dating for years because she would feel threatened and cause problems. She is 20 now so I dont have those issues -- now I can bring grief on her boyfriends. lol
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  • 1 decade ago

    I had to laugh a while at this one. I am sorry but it was funny the way you called the boy "the little prince". Oh are you in trouble. Other than start packing I don't know what else to say to you. Don't hurt this child. Just promise that one. It's not his fault. I have two grandsons one 13 and one 10 and they are little princes to me, ha ha. If a man other than my son moved in and started trying to discipline them I really don't know how I would feel. I guess it would depend on the new husband. I would hope that I could be reasonable about it.

  • 5 years ago

    The word "abuse" can mean a lot of different things to people. Some people think if you swat your kid's butt for acting up, you're abusing them. I'd like to know exactly what's going on in terms of "abuse" regarding the question you linked to. Assuming the kid is being smacked around by the step-parent, the biological parent has the responsibility and the duty to put an immediate end to it. Whether that means parenting classes or divorce, that's for them to decide, but some action must be taken.

  • 1 decade ago

    Have you thought about inventing some kind of family schedule?

    I think it may help if all of you pledged to have one fixed time slot in each week where you and your wife go out - just the two of you (regardless whether the kid screams or not), where she spends time with her family (with/without you) and time alone with her kid, and where the three of you do something together...

    couseling might be helpful, too.

  • 1 decade ago

    You already know that this marriage is over. Divorce her and find someone who puts you at least in the top 3.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Single Mom = Single For A Reason

    Some times one mans trash isn't another mans treasure...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Leave and tell her you have zero tolerance for someone that can't handle their demon child and doesn't have the back bone to tell an interferring relative to f--k off!

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