I'm at my wits end with my teenage daughter?
Hello again, I have posted a question before but I'd like some solid advice.
My daughter does not like anyone touching her, does not like to be bothered and spends all of her time alone even when we have company. It is as if she lives in her own little world. Amongst other things, I've found quite disturbing images on her computer.
Today, I was looking at her calendar on her iPod to check out when her driver's ed appointment was, and I saw written "kill self" as a task for yesterday. Of course she didn't, but I found that a bit odd to place on a calendar.
Last night she, my husband and I were having an argument over dinner. It lasted around two hours, she was in bed the entire time because when my husband started trying to reason with her over dinner, she was already in bed. This was around 10:30. It ended shortly before 1 AM, and my husband and I went to bed around half an hour later. As I passed by her room, I could hear her crying violently (yet not loud enough to be heard except right outside her door) and whispering what sounded like "please kill me," to herself. I don't know how long this went on but I went into her room before I went to work in the morning and she was not crying.
She argues constantly and is constantly belittling me. It really takes a toll on my self-esteem. I am a bit sensitive and she knows that, yet she never stops arguing, she has even said on a few occasions that she hates me. She wakes me up when I'm meant to go to work, claiming that she feels sick but can't talk loud enough for me to hear (I wear earplugs in the morning) explaining it, so when I tell her to speak up she just leaves. She does this multiple times and after a while, I admit I get very angry. I have said things about her being worthless, lazy, trashy, sl*tty and that I hate living with her but it was always after an argument. When I do get physical with her it rarely leaves bruises, if it does they are usually not even very large. I've played mind games with her and manipulated memories she has but the reason I am saying this is because I am a changed person. I am getting help and have been in therapy for two months.
Anyway, I have no idea what to do with my daughter. I've been logging her chats for the past few weeks and she's still talking to the older men, I've even found some disgusting personal pictures of theirs on her Received Files folder. I have no idea if she sends them anything, but I don't know how to stop all of this. Kids need the internet, they need their internet, if not for fun for school.
My daughter is 16 now, almost an adult. Any advice appreciated. If you want more information, here is my older question: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApSRz...
- AndiLv 51 decade agoFavorite Answer
i hope your daughter gets help for the issues she has because of her unstable and abusive home environment. she has gone through physical abuse, and worse, mental and verbal abuse.
she needs to talk to a therapist because even though she jokes around with her suicidal tendencies i bet anything she probably cuts herself and may actually try to kill herself one day either by accident or in a really depressed state.
as a teenager she is going to argue with you but do you think maybe the reason she belittles you in your arguments is because you do it also. out of all people her mother should not be the one calling her names. especially worthless and slutty.
the reason she talks to older men and other people on the computer is because she wants affection. she doesn't get it at home and i'm sure she has social anxiety issues which is why she likes to be in her own world and doesn't even like to be touched. she's starved for affection and attention. the internet is an easy way for somebody with those kind of issues to get the reassurance they need. maybe you could talk to your daughter about the dangers of meeting people on the internet before she ends up getting raped or killed.
good luck with your therapy and i hope everything turns out okay for your daughterSource(s): have seen this happen to families before.
- 1 decade ago
I know its hard being a parent to girls especially. I've had both and boys are easier, however I feel like she's depressed and maybe feels like she has no one to talk to who really cares about her and understands her. Too much hprmones! I understand that sometimes these teen years are just maddening. First of all, you probably need to calm down yourself. You are the adult here and she needs to have respect for you even if you don't always agree and get along. Don't let her push your buttons. She knows what gets you going and sometimes kids crave attention and that's one sure fire way of getting it whether it's positive or negative, it's still attention. Second of all I would have parental controls on my internet. There are ways to control what she sees and what she doesn't. I would say if she lives in my house she will abide by my rules. If not...don't hold her hostage. Sometimes its good for them to see that they cannot make it by themselves. Try not to argue with your husband in front of her or where she can hear you. This just adds more stress. Talk with her....if you don't agree naybe you can agree to disagree. That would be the grown up thing for the two of you since she's 16.
Whenever she tells you she hates you....who owns that problem? It's not you. Try some chrisitan counseling. Does she belong to a youth groupin a church. Is there someone she really trusts who she could talk to comfortably and know that that someone would show confidentiality? I would be so concerned as to call her doctor and explain what's going on. They nay put her on something mild for depression.
I have a ten year old daughter who sometimnes does me that same way only she has Autism(high func) but cries all the time, says she has no friends and when I correfct her she tells me I hate her. I tell her no honey...if I didn't love you I'd just let you go and not correct you. Then what do you think would happen. Think of something you two could do together besides shop and spend money. What about gardening, scrapbooking, talking a walk. You know sometimes you can get more done just by being a great listener. Try not to force her into loving you but make suggestions like....Do you have anything going forr Thuirsday night? I thought we might could grab a sandwich and then I need some advice on how to spruce up this place. Kids usually have good ideas. First of all, PRAY that you will be the parent God wants you to be and then pray that she will be receptive to your ideas and suggestions. Admit you're wrong sometimes. That will go a long way with her to see that you're not perfect either. Kids have a lot of peer pressure these days but just showing her you love her and caring will bring her around. even if the things she does gets under your skin...try to be more positive. I know its hard but it will get better. When she's 20-25 she;ll need and want that advice more than ever before...Believe ME!!! I didSource(s): Personal experiences with counseling. My husband is a pastor. Just let her know that she controls what kinds of things she does and the relationships she gets into. Help her to make great choices. Be that role model. Maybe she craves your attention and you don't know how to give to her without becoming angered. Give her UNCONDITIONAL love. That's the love of our heavenly father. He puts no conditions on us. If he did...I'd never make it. Best Wishes
- 1 decade ago
You're not going to get any real help here because the average person here is a teen or early 20s at best. But I would honestly say that, while some of that sounds like typical teenager stuff, other things make me think the whole family needs counseling. Seriously, I think you should look for a family counselor and schedule an appointment, and if you have to lie to your daughter to get her there then do so. But (no offense) you have made some serious mistakes in parenting, which I can tell just from some of the things you've written here--calling her names, touching her physically in ways that aren't positive, etc--so I'm sure you've done worse that you've omitted and those things more than likely contribute to why your daughter is like she is.
She also sounds extremely unhappy with herself and with her life, and at best she has friends to talk to while at worse she might have no one to talk to...and this manifests itself in the way she behaves. Regardless, she's not going to come out and tell you how she feels/what she thinks because you're one of her enemies, in her mind (which is normal for teens, but also given the way you two communicate/interact with each other, of course she doesn't feel she can or should talk to you about her unhappiness). But like I said, she doesn't sound like the only one who needs help, and you have played a role in how she is. You might be getting help now, but for her the damage really is done as far as your actions have already affected her and you can't take that back.
- KHLv 41 decade ago
Maybe YOU are the reason she wants to kill herself, have you ever thought about that?
Your daugther is a TEENAGER! Times are tough for her, plus I bet she has a hard time fitting in! Do you even know anything about her life at school? You should be supporting her, but obviously you are not doing that! Some people have a harder time fitting in with others, and maybe your daughter is one of those people! Or maybe she wants to but she doesn't know how!!! Do you even know her talents, maybe she's really bright, hmm?!
Maybe she's doing this because she wants to feel accepted by Somebody, obviously her FAMILY (maybe even some friends, don't accept her!!!
Do you even have a f ing idea how hard it is to hear that from a parent?!?!? You're abusing her! Oh, and if the mental abbusion wasn't enough, you decide to f***ing hit her!!! Oh, and that's not all, you play mind games with her, that's unbearable for her! Do you think that she doesn't feel anything, that she's someone who doesn't have You're a child abuser! CHILD ABUSER!!!!!!!!
You are the problem. You are the reason. What you've done is despicable! You've let your daughter down. You've punished her for being herself! And abused her!!!!! Your malign ways are the cause of all of this! FIX IT!!!!!!!!!
I mean, I'm sorry for being so wound up and being kind of mean, but you have no idea how much pain and damage you've done.Source(s): Been in you daugther's situation http://www.athealth.com/Consumer/disorders/self-es... http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/... http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=do... http://www.esteemdream.com/issues.htm http://www.self-confidence.co.uk/self/esteem/tips....
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- 1 decade ago
okay my first question is (and i am serious) has she even been sexually assualted that you know or is it possible, but you do not know. this may explain the attitude and "suicidal" thoughts.
please keep in mind i am still young i was like this as a teen (a little not to bad)
do you have someone that she does trust or talk to, like a cousin, friend, aunt, ect. this may help her open to someone, parents are not always there for you like the parent thinks, they see on side not the other often sorry but that is the truth.
have you ever tried therapy, group or personal, just her, you not be there at all. also arguing will make the situation worse, try to sit her down, with out yellig, and see how it goes, let her talk, and do not chime in, let her talk and see what she will say.
as for the internet, but a control on it or put it in a public place, this won't help much because of friends, and ecerything. if she did not want you to know she would delete things so you can not find it. and i notice in the question you said your husband, I assume that would be her step dad, which may cause issues, i was raised with step parents both mom and dad, I know that there are issues there.
I would say your best bet would to get her someone to talk to, that she can talk to with out feeling like she is bad or horriable or that she cant talk to them because they will tell you everything. but the fact that you always check on her make me think that there is in issue there. why do you feel the need.?Source(s): I was a teen.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
This sounds familiar to my situation a few years ago, except i was on the other side of it. This was happening a lot with me and my parents (not including the older men on the internet) basically it sounds like your daughter may be depressed. after a lot of arguments systematically ending up with me in my room moping my parents took me to a psychiatrist and getting diagnosed with depression. a lot of this sounds like cry's for attention and help. don't reward the bad behaviour with attention, of any kind, if she is looking for an argument just agree with everything she says, it will annoy her and she will give up (after a few heated words maybe), but after a while of using this technique she should learn. Always try and praise her for what she does right, even the little things matter, just don't smother her. Maybe sit down and chat with her and see how she feels at the moment with life, school is stress full, not just the learning, its hard to fit in with teenagers, they can be fickle and stubborn. Its good to hear your getting help, but maybe it sounds like your not the only one who needs it, speak to your doctor about some help with your daughter, he will be able to give u specialised advice. Finally try not to use your daughter as a sparring partner, none of you will get anything out of it, except tears and separation.
I hope this helps =]
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Im also 16 years old....i know taking advice from another 16 year old may not seem like the best thing to do...but keep in mind..
obviously we go through alot of stuff especially around these ages....by you calling her names such as trashy and sluttyy and worthless is horrible to say even if you are in an argument, your a parent those are things a parent should NEVER say to their child in my opinion....going through her stuff is totally wrong too...why even go through her stuff if your looking for something you dont approve of in the first place? its just going to start conflict....
do you and your husband fight alot? because that could make her feel like she is in a "broken" home....and feels depressed....
but it seems like to me she could be going through a stage too...
it seems like shes not the only one that has a problem here....this just seems like typial teenage stages...shes not going to kill herself...becuase if she did she would of done it already...
anyway my advice is just to just give her some space.....keep your arguments with your husband away from her...be nice and loyal to her...let her know she can confide in you and trust you....what ever you do dont send her to therapy thats probably the worst mistake you could make , your her mother....you should be strong enough to work through these problems and not seem like the enemy to her and more of a trustworthy friend with what ever problems she is going through,...and if she doesnt want to talk about them..dont force her ...just let her know your their....like a real parent should.....this just blows my mind....seriously thats all she probably wants....
my mother is always there for me, i could tell her practicaly anything and not worry about her being pissed off at me....and let me tell you thats the greatest feeling for me not to be affraid of her reactions...no matter how big the problem is...i know she will always be there for me...i couldnt ask for any better....thats how you need to be twords her...
anyway...i didnt mean to offend you in anyway..i just think that some people need to see the different sides of things and think about the problem as a whole...
- Anonymous1 decade ago
kids do NOT need the internet. there is a library full of books that are based on a diverse range of subjects.
You said you had manipulated memories and played mind games. do you know what affect that has on a child? after all that is what she is.
and calling her names like worthless trash or slutty really helps her self esteem
You need to seek professional help, as you stated on the other question you sobering up, but the bottling up of her feelings has led her to be depressed and emotionally troubled. you need to get someone who is trained in child psychology as a childs mind is very fragile and cannot adapt to adult problems!
- 1 decade ago
umm computers can block things you dont want with parental controls.
this allows you to control when she goes on the computer what she does on the computer and you will know what she does on the computer.
- 1 decade ago
I would seek prof. advice