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Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

How is my story so far?

it's about four teenagers that have supernatural abilities and how they are trying to live as normally as possible with some danger. tell me how it sounds =) thxx

I awoke at midnight, gasping for air. The nightmare was so real and frightening; I had dug my head into my pillow. I keep seeing them in many of my dreams, chasing me, trying to get revenge. I tried to tell myself that it’s just a dream, yet the sweat rolled off my forehead. My cell phone rang from under the pillow. It was Selene. I picked it up.

“Hello?” I whispered into the phone.

“Hey Cathy, can I come over? My dad’s asleep and I’m not sleepy. I’ll bring Jake and Brandon if you want; they can’t sleep either.”

“Sure, why not. Margarett and Charles are out, and I don’t think I can go back to sleep after my nightmare.” I shuddered. It would be nice to have them over. It always is.

“Okay. I’ll be there in about 2 minutes. I’ll call Jake and Brandon.”

I heard her hang up. It was a 10 minute walk from her house to mine, but the streets were empty and it was safe for her to run. I took a quick look at Jake’s future, and saw him grab 4 candy bars from his counter and walk out the door. I grinned. Next, I saw that Selene was at the door in 14 seconds, so I jumped off my bed to greet her. 4,3,2… knock. I jerked the door open, and saw Selene with snowflakes in her hair.

Selene was much prettier than I was; her short blond hair, her perfect nose, her green eyes, her heart shaped face and her 5”4 figure obviously didn’t boost up my self esteem. I was 5”2, with medium wavy brunette hair, pitch black eyes, an almost translucent, pale face, a pinched nose, and a slim figure, but obviously not a cheerleader or an athlete.

“How much longer until Jake and Brandon arrive?” Selene asked.

“About 7 minutes. They’re riding their bikes.” I told her. She stood up and started to run around the house at a blinding speed. She was cold, no doubt, so I offered her one of my biggest sweaters.

“Thanks,” she muttered. I nodded.

I joined their “group”, about a year ago, because I was like them and they were like me. We aren’t like other people; we have abilities that they don’t. Jake can control other’s minds, Brandon can make objects move with his mind, Selene can run at a very fast speed, and I can foresee the future. That makes four of us.

I first saw them when I got adopted. I was eleven, and I had a memory loss because of an unknown accident. Since then, I could see what was going to happen before it actually did. No one knows my history. My life “officially” started two years ago.

It was Margarett and Charles who adopted me, and I do consider myself very lucky; they are such good parents. But I haven’t told them about my ability- I wanted it to be a secret. They sent me to a local Junior High and High School, and that’s when I met Selene, Brandon and Jake.

They were sitting by themselves during lunch, quietly. I observed them for a couple days, and saw that they didn’t fit in so easily. They weren’t losers- but something was definitely different about them. I soon learned that their names were Selene Johnson, Brandon Summers, and Jake Richardson from the gossips.

Jake was the first one to talk to me- he was very polite, and used words that normal teen boys wouldn’t, yet I found myself talking with him easily. His golden eyes were very tranquil and his voice was soothing. I met him again at a diner, and he offered to pay my bill. It seemed like he knew that I was different too, and carefully asked- I answered as honestly as I could. The next morning he introduced me to his friends, Selene and Brandon, who also had abilities. We soon became friends, and our friendship kept us together like a family.

Jake and Brandon entered my room and tossed Selene and I a Snickers bar. I laughed and bit into the chocolaty surface. Brandon pulled Selene into a bear hug while Jake put his arms around my shoulders as he sat down on my bed, pulling me with him.

“You look like a giant stepped on you.” Brandon commented. I grimaced.

“I had a nightmare, in case you don’t know. I really think it has something to do with my past, the past I don’t know about. There are these people- they have abilities, too- and they want revenge. On me. I don’t know who there are, or what they want.”

“It’s probably just a dream, Cathy. And besides, if those people were to really get you, then we would help.” Jake said, in a calm but stern voice. I sighed. Apple pie. Smell of grass and sunshine. Hobos.

“Jake, stop it! I appreciate the sunshine and grass and apple pie, but no hobos!” I giggled. His lip pulled into a smile.

Brandon and Selene were staring, so I cleared my throat and sat up. I decided to go back to bed at 2, and they decided to leave when I fell asleep. Brandon and Selene were playing chess now- Brandon moved his pieces without touching them. I skimmed through tomorrow while Jake got into my mind and saw it with me.

That’s how the time went by, and I must have falle

Update:

That’s how the time went by, and I must have fallen asleep, because Selene, Jake and Brandon had left when I woke. The night was pleasant; no nightmare this time.

I fixed myself breakfast, got ready for school, and ran out to see Jake at the threshold. He was wearing a dark navy blue pants, a white shirt, and a grey blazer.

“I didn’t see you coming…”

“I turned invisible.” He said sarcastically. I smiled. He was so unexpected; that’s why I tried hard not to see his future; I liked surprises.

that's how it is so far =)

15 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Lol. I love how the first answer could not spell positively or genius properly.

    Anyway, I think this has potential, though the language needs to be more descriptive in my opinion. It seems a little bit like you're just recounting events. Secondly, there are some common grammar errors within the extract.

    But I do like it! I think it's a great start, and as you've just begun, I think you're doing really well.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's definitely interesting! There's no problem with pulling in the reader and i honestly think it has the potential of being a really good story. I would just say that certain aspects are too much like twilight, such as the golden eyes, mind reading, and Jake being able to see the future with Cathy. I would also develop the tone more and use better vocabulary to help set the scene and add to the mood.

    Good Luck! =]

    I really hope it ends up being published so I can read it.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Its not a bad original idea... but the actual writing is far from a level at which it could be made into a book or short story. You give too much all at once. Spend at least page or two describing the experience that she has with the dream. Consider more of her emotions and past experiences when writing and that will give you something to work off for description. You need to paint a picture of the setting and of your character in the reader's mind. In order to do that you need to have a clear and detailed setting in your head and you need to know exactly who your character is and where they come from. Because if you don't have that picture for yourself your reader won't be engaged or able to relate. Don't give the reader the entire story all at once. I can tell you are eager to get the entire story on paper. Take more time to give your story layers and depth. Make sure you stay in the same tense. Try not to repeat words. Keep trying you've got a good idea! Just take your time and don't rush it.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Good! But the superpowers remind me off the twilights powers how about powers like controlling the weather or can change in a jiff second. But it was great a few spelling errors but it's good

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think you should start your story by introducing how you met the characters first at school. It seems also that your story is going to concentrate more on your relationship between the main character and Jake, so maybe you could focus your characters attention more on his being and why It compels the main character to pay more attention to his daily routine's.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's good, but there are quite a bit of spelling and grammar issues, along with punctuation. instaed of using numbers (i.e. 2) use the words themselves (i.e. two)

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  • 1 decade ago

    Its good... Cant see teenage boys leaving a girls house because shes asleep tho lol

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    look like a 2 year old wrote it

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That's a great story.

    I love the plot.

    There is no need for improvement.

    Keep writing :D

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  • 1 decade ago

    I've never really liked ghosty stories like that; but its not bad. =)

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