Real quick, novel/book help?

Would this paragraph be okay? Or would I have to start another paragraph before I make the woman talk? Yes.. this is really from the novel.. or book, depends how many pages I end up having, hm? Real easy ten points.. :x

Cassie squealed and started kicking at the woman that had picked her up. The woman looked at Cassie and licked her lips. “Be still. You’ll ruin your blood taste. Young blood is always the best kind,” the woman said, and kissed Cassie’s for head.

Update:

Thank you for the people that have already given me improvements, but currently, this is my rough draft. The added detail will come later(: Please don't send anymore improvements..

Oh.. SHUT UP. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S ANOTHER VAMPIRE STORY. I'd LOVE to see you TRY to write ANY kind of story!

.. Sorry for those who weren't complaining about it(:

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    That's fine. Except it should go like this:

    Cassie squealed and started kicking at the woman that had picked her up. The woman looked at Cassie and licked her lips.

    “Be still. You’ll ruin your blood taste. Young blood is always the best kind,” the woman said, and kissed Cassie’s forehead. <spelling. =]

    It could also be improved if you add a little more detail. But if your writing style is simple, then keep it that way. But you could say:

    Cassie squealed and started kicking at the woman that had picked her up. The woman looked at Cassie with a bloodthirsty look on her face and licked her red lips.

    "Be very still. You'll ruin the taste of your beautiful blood. You know what they say: young blood is always the best kind," the woman said before softly kissing Cassie's forehead.

    That's a little more improved, but I think your's is perfect the way it is. Nice pick on the vampire story btw. I'd love to read the rest of your novel/book. If you want you can email it to me at pinkchic5-random@yahoo.com. Great job.

    Source(s): I'm also writing a novel/book/whatever you'd like to call it. =]
  • 1 decade ago

    Yes, the dialogue should start a new paragraph.

    Suggest revising to:

    Cassie squealed and started kicking at the woman that had picked her up. The woman looked at Cassie and licked her lips.

    “Be still. You’ll ruin the flavor of your blood. Young blood is always the best kind,” the woman said and kissed Cassie’s forehead.

    I hope this helps and good luck with your endeavors.

  • 1 decade ago

    It could be improved.

    Cassie squealed and thrashed as the woman picked her up. The woman met Cassie's gaze and stopped all movement in her little body.. She licked her chops.

    "Hush now," she purred. "We wouldn't want to ruin the taste. Young blood is the finest red wine." The woman brought Cassie towards her own body and softly kissed her forehead.

  • 1 decade ago

    All that I can say to improve it is to start the dialog as a new paragraph but it sounds interesting for a beginning, good luck, also I know its mostly about vampires but if you want to add other fictional beings may I suggest to make new ones, like for my book instead of werewolves (their also in there) I made up these things called werecats (:

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Oh, great. ANOTHER vampire story?

    Source(s): EDIT: I'm sorry. I'm just sick of vampires. Just make it like no one elses. Good luck. : ) P.S. I CAN write. I've written plenty of stories that everyone who read them have loved. I just steer away from writing vampire stories and I have my own opinion.
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