do you think this short story is good?

for my original writing coursework in english i have written this story about domestic abuse, would you please be honest and tell me if you think it is any good

Hearing his key being thrust into the door, I held my breath not daring to breathe. I lay in my bed my knees tucked tightly into my chest, rocking back and forth, back and forth. The keys crunched and grinded in the lock, then I heard the click and the door swung open, indenting the side of the wall.

His boots echoed throughout the narrow hallway and I watched his shadow advance up the wall with every step he took towards me. His eyes circled the room, and then fixated on me. My heart plummeted deep down into my body and pounded in my lower chest. He was in one of those moods. I was afraid to stay, scared to leave. I remained shivering on the bed.

The room enclosed around me each wall turned darker, each object grew smaller, except he survived as tall. He swung his fist towards me and it collided with my cheek bone, another bruise to try and hide. The vibrations thundered through my head, whilst receiving another blow to the stomach. My body caved as I arched my back in agony. Black eyes, busted lips and a bruised body, he was slowly killing me.

“Follow me” he bellowed. I looked down.

“Why” I murmured. I had angered him his blood was boiling, turning his face crimson red.

He marched from the room, I heard draws opening and banging before he returned clenching a fork in his hand, like an angry athlete ready to launch his javelin. Hurtling his hand towards me, the fork stabbed me in the cheek. I let out a squeal; however this just determined him to wound me more. Leaping from the bed I tried to dodge his stabs, he followed me, grasping a glass, he chucked it at me. My body buckled and I plunged to the floor. I lay lifeless on the ground blood streaming from my face a shard of glass, protruding from below my eye.

He wound my long hair round his wrist and gripped the root, dragging me across the carpet, I prayed he would kill me; I couldn’t take this any longer. He halted in the hallway, my back burned

“Wait there”

He returned, with a blindfold... I’d never been more terrified in my entire life. He wrapped it harshly round my eyes, not taking care to avoid the glass. Pulling me to my feet by my hair, he shoved me out the front door, it made its familiar click and I knew we were both outside.

I stumbled blind down the path, tripping on flags and uneven ground. He opened a car door, and forced me head first into it. My nose hit the seat, the stench of cigarettes over powered my mind as the pain escalated all over my body.

He got in the driver seat, and we sped off, away from my home. The car bounced along the roads prolonging the suffering. The window was open and the wind swept through, as an invisible earache. I have no sense of where we were, though I knew we were travelling too fast.

This journey continued for several minutes, until there was a sudden change in direction and the car swerved, rocking onto two wheels. The tyres screeched flipping the car, I fell down into the roof of the vehicle and I slowly felt the mangled car start to crumple beneath me. I was only 15, why was my Dad doing this to me. I saw black.

I later woke up and saw through blurred vision, doctors and nurses surrounding me. An array of tubes and wires covered my face.

“Lie still you’ve been involved in a very serious accident” the nurse spoke “You are seriously ill.”

.” A tear rolled down my cheek. In a tearful voice, I replied

“Before I die, will you do one thing for me? Make sure you get my mum out of her relationship it is too dangerous.” She just stared at me. The machines surrounding me started to beep constantly, I felt sleepy, doctors rushed in with instruments. I shut my eyes.

I rose out my body and hung above, I saw myself lying there pale, tattooed in bruises, skin stained red with blood. The doctor spoke to the nurse.

“Why didn’t you say you would make sure her mum got help” he enquired. The nurse looked upset, and then she replied in a broken voice.

“Her mum was in the car when it crashed”

I turned to my right; my mum was holding my hand.

Update:

i am from england in year ten which is 4th year of high school my target grade is an A

7 Answers

Relevance
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    It was, indeed, great, but here is my edit/suggestions. I'm 13, by the way. Therefore, in since I'm so young, you obviously musn't feel obliged to take my edit.

    I heard the keys slide into the lock and my breath was immediatly stuck in the back of my throat, hard and dry. I lay in my bed with my knees brought to my chest, my arms securly around them, as if this would actually keep me safe. I rocked backwards, released a long, shaky breath, leaned forwards, in hailed sharply. Repeat. The keys crunched and grinded in the lock, when I suddenly heard the click and the door swung open, indenting the side of the wall.

    His boots echoed throughout the narrow hallway and I watched his shadow advance up the wall with every step he took towards me. His eyes circled the room, and then fixated on me. My heart plummeted rapidly and I gulped. He was in one of those moods. I was afraid to stay yet scared to leave. I remained shivering on the bed.

    The room enclosed around me and it felt as if each wall had turned darker, each object grew smaller, except he survived as tall. He swung his fist towards me and it collided with my cheek bone, another bruise to try and hide. The vibrations thundered through my head, while receiving another blow to the stomach. My body caved as I arched my back in agony. Black eyes, busted lips and a bruised body; he was slowly killing me.

    “Follow me!” he bellowed. I looked down.

    “Why?” I murmured. I had angered him, and his tone showed far more than anger; his blood was boiling, and his cheeks were consumed with crimson, his nostrils flarring, his fists clenched, knuckles sheet white.

    He marched from the room, while I heard draws opening and banging before he returned clenching a fork in his hand, like an angry athlete ready to launch his javelin. Hurtling his hand towards me, the fork stabbed me in the cheek. I let out a squeal; however this just gave him all the more motivation to do me harm. Leaping from the bed I tried to dodge his stabs, but he followed me, grasping a glass. The man chucked it at me with dark eyes. My body buckled and I plunged to the floor. I lay lifeless on the ground, blood streaming from my face with a shard of glass, protruding from below my eye.

    He wound my long hair round his wrist and gripped the root, dragging me across the carpet, I prayed he would kill me; I couldn’t take this any longer. He was, suddenly, dead still as we entered the hallway, my back burning.

    “Wait there.”

    He returned, with a blindfold... I’d never been more terrified in my entire life. He wrapped it harshly round my eyes, not taking care to avoid the glass. Pulling me to my feet by my hair, he shoved me out the front door. It made its familiar click and I knew we were both outside.

    I stumbled, blind of course, down the path, tripping on flags and uneven ground. He opened a car door, and forced me head first into it. My nose hit the seat, the stench of cigarettes entered my nostrils and I used my upmost power to not cough, draw attention. The pain had finally escalated to every inch of my body.

    He got in the driver seat, and we sped off, away from my home. The car bounced along the roads prolonging the suffering. The window was open and the wind swept through, as an invisible earache. I have no sense of where we were, though I knew we were travelling too fast.

    This journey continued for several minutes, until there was a sudden change in direction and the car swerved, rocking onto two wheels. The tires screeched flipping the car, I fell down into the roof of the vehicle and I slowly felt the mangled car start to crumple beneath me. I was only 15, why was my Dad doing this to me?

    Then, I saw black.

    I later woke up and saw through blurred vision, doctors and nurses surrounding me. An array of tubes and wires covered my face.

    “Lie still you’ve been involved in a very serious accident.” the nurse spoke “You are seriously ill.”

    A tear rolled down my cheek. In a tearful voice, I replied

    “Before I die, will you do one thing for me? Make sure you get my mum out of her relationship, it is too dangerous.” She just stared at me as the machines surrounding me started to beep constantly, I felt sleepy, doctors rushed in with instruments. I shut my eyes.

    I rose out my body and hung above, I saw myself lying there pale, tattooed in bruises, skin stained red with blood. The doctor spoke to the nurse.

    “Why didn’t you say you would make sure her mum got help?” he enquired. The nurse looked helpless, and then she replied in a broken voice.

    “Her mum was in the car when it crashed”

    I turned to my right; my mum was holding my hand.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's really good. There's a lot of suspense, which is what you want when writing a story about domestic abuse.

    Which grade are you in? High school?

  • 1 decade ago

    that is a very well written piece of work you should be so proud! the ending was a great twist and i enjoyed all the describing words and this " tattooed in bruises" was genius!

    Source(s): i work in infants school but Literacy was my top subject
  • Kip
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Its not bad just keep writing.

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  • 1 decade ago

    ohhhh geeeeezz write more this is amazing just breath taking!!!

  • MilSo
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    yeah yeah its good.

    now stop putting irrelevant answers on every ones questions telling them to answer! its friggin annoying and your answer is usually stupid and inaccurate.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    wow wow wow!!! amazing! this was great!!! :)

    Source(s): my opinion
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