I am too scared to even ask for help...?...sorry it's a bit long.?

well here goes...Over the last while I have become aware that as "fun" as I am to be out with or as amusing as I am told I am, that nobody takes me seriously. My closer friends and flatmate know there is more to me but kinda encourage it..and I know many people trhough them. My flat mate recently had a... show more well here goes...Over the last while I have become aware that as "fun" as I am to be out with or as amusing as I am told I am, that nobody takes me seriously. My closer friends and flatmate know there is more to me but kinda encourage it..and I know many people trhough them. My flat mate recently had a baby and everyone who is anyone at the phone or the door is for her..which is fine and understqndable..but the place is not really mine anymore..i feel like just the funny flatmate , or one to take the joke out of, and i think some think I am a bit thick. But I just know different stuff to them and go along with things and jokes..because as opposed to a comeback I can't think of iys easier than bursting intos tears. The thing is I am struggling to work the hours I do as a nursery nurse, come home to a baby and many visitors..some who I know and some who I do not.my flatmate always had all the friends in the world even before she knew she was pregnant..been cutting her slack this whole time, and now she is a new mother..still cutting her slack. she always has been centre stage..this baby gave he every more reason to be that. she even said, you will be going out less now because i always give everyone a bg laugh and a good night..she had so many frrends before and after the birth..most of whom she has met while drunk most probably..it does not matter to anyone she did a one night stand, does not know who the father is..they sing her praises as a mother from the rooftops as she does her own..but threy do not live with her. I am not discrediting her, nor am i wanting the attention myself..but it's pretty much become her place now, an next month returns with her little brother and sister for a month..who are kids...!!




People may joke about me..and if i ahve had a tiring day at work don't escape from getting the adam's family theme tune sung to me..my motto is now to be told if i am tired that.."i look like a corpse". But i have become aware of these things about myself since about january that I am so feeling now, not at home, hard working, yet isolated and all the while that I am more stupid or less educated than I realised?..or pretty much dumb. One of my good friends who is not like that with me loves doing pub quizzes and she is very smart, but i have alomst said i wana stop going..but i can't think of an excuse to refuse now..it is like our regular thing..maybe in time it will teach me new things!

If i had the time or money to become really smart I would..it has always taken me a bit of time to learn new things..so if i dnt get the time i guess i have had it..problem is now though, i feel so depressed, worthless and now suicidal...but I can't just listen to what I should do tgo get help..my doctor won't even give me meds..just told to go back and check in every now and then..and a list of numbers or centres not even on the health service..she wil not even refer me!! It makes me feel like i sometimesd already question..am i even worthy of help? am i simply just a joke...i really just feel I can't open up to anyone because it's not fair and end of the day if i was to save myself what do I have to offer the world? I am just a joke.

sorry if this does not flow too well, just hard trying to put it together..i can phrase things properly!
Update: I feel need to add that , I never knew she was pr that she only had pregnant, nor did she when we signed the lease..she found out a month later that she only had 3 mths to go. I had to sta good friend y and had to support her. what good friend wouldn't right?
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