HOW do I break the pattern of chronic singlehood. I am 38! I need advice from mature people.?
I am 38 and a female. Everything in my life has always gone great EXCEPT my love life. The longest relationship I've had is 3 months...if you can call that a relationship.
Some background about me: I had a messed up childhood and was mentally/emotionally abused. Both parents had multiple marriages and neglected me. blah blah blah. I had an effed up view of relationships and as a result never really had one. I developed defense mechanisms and never let anyone love me or get close to me.
I always seem to lose the guy after one month. Never had I had a relationship over 3 months.
I don't know what I do...they just seem to lose interest in me. I am not high drama or needy. I am independent and self efficient. I am goal oriented and attractive (not gorgeous or stunning...just a nice looking girl next door).
However, I am 38 and want to have a family and marriage. I am sure not on the path to that at this rate. I've had so many short term relationshps that it is ridiculous. I am sad, lonely, frustrated, and fed up.
What do I do to have a relationship? How do relationships begin? How do you sustain it?
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hi there. I'd suggest you go to therapy or counseling, so you can address the issues you are carrying from your past. We all have past traumas and hurts; and we carry the scars - if not the wounds- with us.
The article I'm sending may be of help later on, when you feel stronger to date again. But I do ask you to consider getting professional help ASAP. That is why therapists exist...Because sometimes, no matter how smart or successful or kind we may be, we are not perfect, and we cannot see things we need to improve or to overcome.
Good luck! Ask God to guide you and heal you as well.
Stop Dating Jerks!
Advice to Avoid Heartache and Time Lost With Unworthy Partners
How can you tell if the person you are dating (male or female) is a jerk before you get serious with them?
If you are prone to this pattern in your dating life, then this simple check list below might be just what you need to turn that trend around.
People often will show you who they are right from the start IF YOU PAY ATTENTION.
If you are on "jerk-alert" watch for these behaviors these characters are famous for. The minute you start seeing any of these items, RUN to avoid the heartache and headache these people cause.
1. Watch for consistency in what s/he says and does. For example. does the person follow through on what s/he says? You can even look for consistency between conversations. Liars often trip themselves up by being inconsistent with their stories.
2. If they talk about their ex a lot - that's a red flag waving - stay away! That person is not ready for relationship, regardless of what s/he says.
3. If they talk about sex right away - that's what they're most interested in.
4. If they talk about themselves and don't ask about you - you know his/her favorite topic - themselves!
5. If they profess strong feelings quickly, don't believe a word of it. No one falls that fast, so don't get taken in by this sweet-talk that usually leads to a broken heart.
6. If they email plenty, but don't want to talk on the phone or meet - move on! There are lots of people looking for racy pen pals, not real relationships. Spare yourself the disappointment.
Here's the strongest telltale sign. If you find yourself making excuses for the person - red flag! Don't make excuses for people at the beginning of the relationship. S/he is who s/he is, so don't justify rudeness, lateness, getting stood up or any other unacceptable behavior because of the person's life situation or career issues.
People are on their very best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. That means you're already seeing the best of the best. If you don't like what you see - do yourself a favor and face the facts that it's not going to get any better.
If you want to be treated well, start by treating yourself well.
Do not put up with disrespectful behavior for any reason.
Regardless of how cute, sexy, or rich the person is, or how lonely you are, ill-mannered people don't get nicer with more time. The more you respect yourself, the more others will too.
Sometimes clients ask me - "If I've already started dating a jerk, is there any way to get him/her to be less of a jerk?" Sorry, but I have to say, "no."
A jerk is a jerk. The sooner you catch on, the sooner you can free yourself and save heartache and time. You can't change anybody, so don't even get started. That's a game at which you will surely lose.
This is a great time to be dating with nearly half of all American adults being single. Never before has the single population been this big! With so many to choose from, why settle for the crumbs a jerk will throw you? Move on to connect with a person who adds to your life and shows you the respect you deserve.
- 1 decade ago
Here are the most important ways to start and maintain a relationship in my humble opinion:
1. Have friends and be a good friend.
2. Fill your life with things you enjoy.
3. Learn to FLIRT- this takes practice, but I love to do it and it still works much of the time.
4. Smile and radiate confidence even if you have to fake it.
5. Strike up a friendship first and build on it.
6. Have a sense of humor! Laugh with someone. Kid around. Be fun!
7. Act like you know you don't need anyone- you are a "catch", be busy with lots of stuff. Don't be too available after you have a first date. Be an interesting person.
8. It is ok to join dating websites- at least you know that the people on it are actually looking for a relationship.
9. Don't share your personal stuff too soon.
10. Always behave in a way that the person will look back on you in a nice way. Again, being friendly, confident and interesting. I always want to keep them wishing they hadn't messed it up!
I am not married. I did not want to get married. I am in a long-term relationship with an excellent guy who is sweet, smart and funny. We have been together for 10 years. Before that I had a five year relationship and several that went a couple of years each. And of course, lots of one date or two date things. Keep the faith!
- 1 decade ago
This may not be the answer you're looking for, but in my personal experience the best thing to do is get out. Go somewhere and don't be afraid to approach people. It's a lot easier said than done but most definitely worth it. I'm only turning 17 this year. But I've gone through more than someone my age should have to go through. Or someone at ANY age for that matter. My mother had a messed up childhood and I guess as she grew she tried reliving it, and in return messed my life up too. I have serious abandonment issues. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and it's not easy for me. I can be so clingy! I'm so scared of being left. I used to think, if my own mother doesn't want me how the hell can anyone else? I don't know what you've been through, but you mentioned you've been emotionally abused. I know what that's like in so many ways. But I won't write a book about it. I just know how it feels and talking about it does help some, therapy helps even. Just get out there and show the world what a great person you are, you will meet someone. Give it time. There's someone out there for everyone. I promise you that. Best of luck!
- AnnabellaLv 71 decade ago
You're really never going to break the cyle until your open to love & compromise & life not always being perfect. I was pretty much the same as you until I met my husband a month before my 35th bday. And honestly the 1st year of that relationship was very touch & go because of me. I simply found someone willing to deal with me until things settled. I did go to therapy 3 separate times in my life during my 20's and then again in my early 30's. It really helped me to understand myself & understand how much I was bringing my past into my present. You should seriously consider talking to someone who can break down some of those walls.
You being independent is fine so don't let comments about that get to you. I am too, I'm fully self supporting, great job, own money, own car, my own everything. I don't technically NEED anyone but I wanted more for my life. I wanted smiles, and BBQ's, and laughter. And you can't have that when you go into every relationship thinking it's going to be sh!t before it even gets started. At the very least you need to kick back & give a guy the benefit of the doubt. At best you could find a therapist that can guide you in the key points you need to change your thinking on. And from there, you just get out. Go on facebook & myspace if that's your thing & meet people. I met my husband on myspace LOL! Or go out for drinks with girlfriends & chat with people, have BBQ's and tell friends to invite single guys, talk to people at the grocery store (my married friends met in line :-)
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- ScSpecLv 71 decade ago
With such a small amount of information it is hard to tell you what or what not to do. It does sound as if you may have issues that keep you from being successful in relationships. Since you seem financially secure, why not seek counseling before it is too late? You may uncover the reasons with professional help and be able to make positive changes in how you treat a relationship. I can certainly understand your feelings as I have been single for much longer than you. Some times I seem to be my own worst enemy, intellectually I know what I need to do and how to act, but in an emotional situation it all evaporates and I sabotage the relationship. Maybe you are doing the same thing.
- JulietLv 44 years ago
As you said, she's very stressed. Plus a little distance makes things so much harder, especially when there are car problems involved. As far as breaking up in order to mature, it could work. Sometimes people need to experience other people in order to realize what an amazing person they had in each other. I know the break up is hard on you, but focus on other things, like your business you are trying to open, maybe work out a bit and when she finally does see you, she will be so amazed with the transformation you have been through and realize that you really do love her and are willing to do anything for her.
- 1 decade ago
I think one the biggest things is figuring out where to meet the type of guy you want. First, I think you should figure out what kind of guy you're looking for. Is he a professional? If so, join a young professionals group or go to college alumni association get-togethers.
Relationships are difficult, but part of keeping them going (especially in the early stages) is to make sure you don't latch on too quickly. I know you said you're not needy or insecure, but when you date a guy, do you give in too easily (as in, once you start dating someone, is it pretty clear to him that he no longer has to chase you?)? Another good option would be to read the book, "The Rules." I know it sounds ridiculous, but there are some great pointers in there.
If that doesn't help, you could try going to a therapist for advice. Best of luck to you!
- LAgirlLv 51 decade ago
Relationships begin with the relationship with yourself. How you feel about you is how people feel about you. It is the law of attraction. Hate yourself - others will loathe you. Love yourself and others will love you. I can guarantee it.
You sound like a smart woman. You know how to pick good men. A good relationship is really a friendship with benefits. I'm guessing that men lose interest because you don't let them into your life - they think or feel that you are not into them!
Also, when you say "defense mechanism" , deep in your heart you may feel that men are the enemy! There is a big fear factor in play here.
At 38, your fears are quite serious. I suggest short term counseling to cleanse you of your negative thoughts and feelings before you start dating again.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Find someone that you have same interests. Someone that you like to talk too. I think staying together starts with people not being selfish. Been married 20 years here and my husband and I are not selfish people. Above all take care of you find joy in your life and a meaning for you. If you do that you won't need someone. Also someone will just come along when you yourself are complete as a person. Best wishes to you. I pray that you do find that special someone that will compliment you!
- tony_le12Lv 51 decade ago
May be you have not find the right person yet. Find the right person is the key but how and where to find that person. please let me know when you find out how.
In relationship is hard. We have to learn to adjust a lot.
we can not always be agreeable, but have to learn not to pick a fight over it. Patient is the key in the relationship also. be a husband, wife, dad, or mom is required lot of patient. (forget and forgive is something we can not doing too well sometime)