Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Is this just another cliched love poem ? Opinions wanted?

I love to write poetry but am really embarrassed to share it with people I know so before I do could I get some comments on this poem. I wrote it about a year ago and think it was of my least better ones.

If love makes the world go round

Then has my world just stopped?

Or maybe it is like a ferris wheel,

Just has stopped until somebody gets on.

If love is like a ferris wheel

What happens if it doesn't stop ?

So maybe love is like a roller coaster,

Always going but just filled with ups and down.

If love is like a ferris wheel

or a roller coaster,

Then life is the amusement park,

but what is the fee?

Is this fee our hearts ?

our souls ?

our minds?

Or just the risk we take

by falling in love.

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    The poem's not bad...here's a suggested edit:

    If love makes the world go round

    Then why's my world just stopped?

    Maybe it's like a Ferris wheel,

    Stopped until someone gets on.

    If love is like a Ferris wheel

    What happens if it doesn't stop?

    Maybe love's like a roller coaster,

    Just filled with ups and down.

    If love is like a Ferris wheel

    or like a roller coaster,

    Then life's the amusement park,

    but what then is the fee?

    Is the fee our hearts...

    our souls...our minds?

    Or just the risk we take

    by choosing to fall in love.

    hope this helps

    Source(s): Editor, New Poets Press
  • 1 decade ago

    Each verse made me want it to end.....sorry.

    The transition from love to ferris wheels? To Roller coasters? To amusement parks? To the fees?

    I mean, i get the idea behind it, in theory i guess it could be made good, but as it is now, i don't like it. Keep working on it.

  • 3 years ago

    The excellent factor to do may also be to opt for a variety to put in writing in. Writing a love poem may also be very daunting, and often the excellent factor you'll do is to seem to the alleviation of formatted poetry. It can constrain your writing in order that you do not get too stuck up and end up to corny or wordy. The conventional love poem formatting, of direction, is the sonnet. And for well purpose. The rhyme scheme and the inflexible rhythm do not assist you to get too over excited, however are unfastened sufficient to assist you to categorical your self. Plus, they are brief, and in love poems shortness is usually a blessing.

  • 1 decade ago

    I preferred love to be an amusement park

    and we are the comedians in it

    We laugh

    we cry

    we act

    we entertain

    with a fee

    to make all happy.

    The risk we take

    if any if we do not have a mindful heart.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    this wasn't really a poem at all. it was so messy it didn' t really make since. sorry i don't like to be rude but i'm stating facts. if you want to you should probably put a little bit or way better poem on yahoo. it would probably get better reviews.

  • 1 decade ago

    Yes, very. I just don't care for the syntax, vocabulary, and trite phrasing. Sorry, but you asked.

  • 1 decade ago

    Really fantastic

  • 1 decade ago

    the price is actually.... the experience with poetry

    peace and love

    tiffany fiske

  • 1 decade ago

    its cute. i've never heard a style such as yours but i get where your coming from

    xoxo♥

    blair

  • 1 decade ago

    you shouldnt be afraid to show off your work its great

    you should publish it

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