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Anonymous asked in Society & CultureEtiquette · 1 decade ago

Family Feud since Christmas.....Who was right?

So my brothers and sisters and I always get together a few days after Christmas since we are all married with our own families and in-laws and stuff, and it is a really nice time every year - we have a "Dirty Santa" gift exchange (the kids love it and its fun for the adults too), a nice meal and really just our one time of year to see each other and have a good time - we all live all over the country so it is really the only time we have for ALL of us to be together each year.

Anyway - this last Christmas - some of our relatives called my Mom about a week in advance and asked if they could see us over the holidays and so my Mom invited them to our annual get together.... problem being, it was at my sister's house and Mom didn't consult with my sister and there were six more relatives to accommodate.... and my sister was furious but she compromised by saying the relatives could come over later for dessert after we finished the meal and gift exchange. Mostly my sister and my brothers just wanted this time for ourselves and resented the intrusion, although we love our relatives too.

So at any rate - only two of the six relatives came over later for dessert, the other four were too pissed off at being excluded and still are to this day and now it is causing a big hassle in my extended family.

Just out of curiosity, who do you think was right in this scenario?

17 Answers

  • Demi
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I think as soon as everyone quits trying to figure out (or insist) who was right and who was wrong things can start to be mended. Placing blame is not part of the peace making process.

    I'm pretty sure you know your mother shouldn't have invited a lot of people without consulting the hostess first, but this being a big family thing for you all, I can see why she'd do it. You all also "resented the intrusion", which also strikes me as a bit on the "not cool" end of things. When you rarely see family members, one would hope they would not find your presence intrusive when you do see them. And as someone with a very large family who also likes to invite people without telling me (the cook), I can tell you six "extra" people isn't a lot to add to a menu. A bit annoying sometimes, but nothing to be furious about. But to get a week's notice in advance and be upset? Nothing to be upset about. A week is plenty of time to pick up an extra roast or salmon or goose or whatever and add one more side dish to the menu.

    I don't think anyone handled it well. Maybe this summer you should all have a nice family get-together and try to reconnect. Put the holidays behind you and all. I'm sure your relatives were deeply hurt at being excluded and you ALL need to make a bit of an effort to let them know they are still valued. Taking the higher road sometimes means sucking it up and swallow your pride (and sense of indignation) and that's what it sounds like it's going to take to make peace in your family.

    Source(s): JMO and years of dealing with family stretched all the way from Norway to Brazil (who like to just show up on my doorstep, unannounced)
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  • BigSis
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I think what must have happened was that your mum just got a bit carried away by the festive time of year and forgot that some people get quite stressed when they've got lots of things to prepare, and I'm sure your sister didn't really need six extra mouths to feed at the last minute when she was already catering for a fairly large group.

    So I think your mum should act as peace ambassador in this situation, as it was her who was too hasty in the first place - perhaps she could organise a family picnic now it is summer and everyone gets invited and you can all talk to the upset family members and get it sorted out then.

    We do family picnics - even those who live a few hours drive away will come along and everyone brings a different dish and we just enjoy the day together. As it is summer, we choose an outdoor location (hope for good weather!) and nobody is stressed as it isn't in anyones house.

    So that's what I think you could do to get them all together again.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I would say that your Mom overstepped a little too far in inviting so many extra relatives without giving a proper heads up to the hostess of the get-together. Usually one can accommodate one or maybe two unexpected guests - but if there's a meal being served and the hostess isn't consulted with ahead of time about SIX extra people - that's a little much. Also, since this is your yearly tradition with your siblings, that should have been explained to the relatives. Basically it sounds like your Mom made a big etiquette mistake - but hey, parents aren't always perfect - they make mistakes too.

    Your sister did the right thing in trying to offer a compromise to fit everyone in by joining you for a visit and desert later. Your pissed off relatives should understand that there was a breakdown in the communication here, and that a week's advance notice to include them on all the activities wasn't much - considering it was right during the holiday when everyone was rushing around shopping, wrapping, cooking, and doing the family thing with their spouses, kids, in-laws and all. To include the unexpected relatives would have meant more shopping for gifts and food, and really, who has any extra time during the holidays when you're trying to get to everything and still keep up with your regular daily lives?

    The offer was still made to get together for a visit, so I don't understand why they're still upset at not crashing the whole party so to speak. I think everyone needs to realize that lack of communication or miscommunication happens sometimes and especially during such a busy time of year it should be better understood - it wasn't meant to happen and it wasn't meant to be personally insulting to anyone. It should be a lesson learned for all for next time, but it's not worth a huge family feud, IMHO.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Your all wrong! ever heard of the word COMMUNICATION!

    First off communication is the key!

    Yes your mother should have consulted but its Christmas, Family gatherings is a must, so she did what was right in her heart! and personally I think shows how much love she has

    Now your Sister is a ***** with a dumb and selfish compromise like that!

    All she and your mum had to do was figure out a way to accomodate some of the family which I'm sure someone of your callibre would be able to help with and figure out.

    Ever heard MUM knows best or Respect your Elders?

    Yes I understand youse just wanted it to be a Christmas sibling thing, but its not like you cant another time. and sometimes life throws what you "planned" some challenges. Its what you do that shows if you got enough backbone to face it.

    Your sister has just started the biggest rift in you family over something so small "accomadation" HA ha ha, damn funny.

    Put yourselves in your relatives shoes, how would you feel hearing

    "You cant stay for the christmas roast/dinner, you cant stay for the exchange in christmas gifts, In fact you cant share christmas with us at all, but you can come for Ice cream then leave"

    ha ha ha If I was your relation I'd tell your sister to stick the Desert where the sun dont shine and not turn up (sarcastically) "Youve been so Hospitable" Lol

    Next time round be prepared for the unexpected, In fact talk about your plans, that way people will know whats happening. BTW tell your sister to grow some backbone!


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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I don't see why your mum needs to ask her children's permission to invite people to family things? If it was your sisters house and not the mum's I suppose that was fairly rude.

    No-one was right. It just was what it was.

    You spend every single christmas together and one time you can't let others join in? You should have just made it clear , if it wasn't already, that the siblings all want Christmas to be immediate family only. By that I mean your mum should have already known your views on this, or you should have accepted this year would be different and make it clear that in future you don't want others being invited along.

    I am not sure what you are trying to say, are you trying to say that once your sister found out, the relatives were rejected and told they may not join in? but they make wander over later when all the fun is over with? In that case, you, the siblings, are EXTREMELY rude and I am not surprised at all that they were ps off.

    It was handled really really badly, and you made yourselves out to be the selfish family rejecting people you are. So I don't know why you are complaining when someone, funnily enough, now gives you the cold shoulder.

    Because of your impolitness, you now have a huge family feud with people you claim to like/love ?

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Since the whole family had the annual get together, but some were

    to be excluded from the meal and gift exchange once they had traveled

    so far to be there and only being six, I don't see the reasoning for

    them being excluded, the two that did show up must be very forgiving people.

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  • Hi
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Your sister was WRONG in not including six extra people, who had been invited by your mother. The four who didn't come, had good reason to not show up; however, they are being foolish, silly, childish and a few other things about not burying the hacket now.

    I suppose you'd like a way to fix this, but that won't be easy unless sister apologizes, and I don't get the feeling she's really willing to do that. Mama is probably also hurt over this, and that isn't good. Perhaps that could induce sister to apologize and mama won't always be there, and do it just for her sake.

    NO ONE should have supported your sister's refusal to have those six extra guests over, so there's plenty of blame for everyone in this little deal.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I can see it from both sides. Obviously your mother created the problem. I think it might have been okay to have them over this one time. Then tell mom and sis that next year you want your alone time. Since it is already past I recommend you try and make it up to the rels in some other fashion. You don't want this to hang over your heads forever.

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  • Power
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    I thought this was going to be impossible but as I read the info. it is an easy one. Your sister is right. I am getting chills as I am writting this. Your immediate family needs to be together at some time & only once is year is all you have....I lost my 20 year old son 9 years ago & everything I see is different now. The relatives who are pissed should understand this is in no way disrespecting them. This is respecting the sacredness of this one family & still giving them an opportunity to join in. I am 100% on your sisters side. You all only have a limited amount of time together & it must not be diluted.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Your mother was in the wrong for not checking with your sister, you sister was gracious by accommodating the relatives by extending them an invite of dessert and a chance to visit, and the four clods who are pouting are definitely in the wrong, and are asses to boot!

    Life is too short to walk around being pissed over such trivial stuff. I have lost six people whom I love since December 14...and another one is in the final stages of a terminal illness and will soon pass on.

    I value the life of my friends and family above whether I get to eat with them or visit after a meal--just as long as we get to see each other and spend precious time together.

    The ones who are mad and pouting would do well to remember that life is precious and far too short to spend time being mad over small stuff!

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