I asked my husband to be more intimate with me?

I am 31 and my husband is 33. We have 2 kids, 5 and 3. I thik he is the greatest dad ever, he works hard and we do have fun together. Just not in a married sort of way. We had problems when we were dating. He doesn't like to have sex very often. Like 2 times a month. He says he enjoys it, but never wants to. He says he is just not that way. He says he is too tired, too busy, he will try harder. blah blah blah. same for the last 9 years - even before kids he said that. I caught him looking on the internet for 'local single girls" when we were living together- with our one year old. He said he was just curious. I was pissed and let it go. Well, stopped talking about it anyways. I would look at every move he made, and hadn't found anything else. He tells me he loves me, only if I or He is away- out of town or something. Thats like twice a year. I dont say it anymore. He has never even looked at me naked in 9 years. I refuse to be just standing naked in front of him, because he wouldnt look anyways. So I feel ashamed. I ask him to take his time when we do have sex, I try to show him how to make me feel good, he is not interested. He doesnt try to follow directions, and then he cums and goes to sleep right away. I have asked him to help me along, after he finishes, he doesn't . I lay there and do it myself. He must be fine with that, he has never said anything. i have left my vibrator in the shower, he sees it, and says nothing. I guess as long as he doesnt have to do it. I sometimes watch porn by myself just to give me a visual. I have tried everything with him. We rented a porn together once,my idea, and he fell asleep when I was giving him a bJ. Well, of course, I had to pleasure myself and go to bed. The next night, he fell asleep during sex. That has only happened a few times, but it is sure a blow to the ego. i am an attractive person. I am not overwieght by any means, actualy have lost weight trying to be sexier. i know he likes big boobs, which I dont have, and I have always wanted a boob job, we just havent spent the money. We even went on a consultation together, and I thought it was going to be great. Well, the economy has changed my income a lot and so I will wait. I went to his dads for the weekend, and he rented a porn about big @#$^ and, then he threw the cable bill in the garbage and I heard him go straight to the trash- I thought the hole thing was strange- so I looked, and sure enough. I didn't act like an asshole, i just was really hurt. I put the bill by the coffeee pot, and he saw it. He just acted like an asshole and wouldnt talk about it. Well, he was off work last night, and we went to a soccer game, my neices, and I was hoping to get some last night. Well, not so much. I cried till 3 in the morning. He did the usual, get in bed, roll over and kiss, me, goodnight, don't let the bed bugs bite. I said - there are No bed bugs! I made a comment about him being the bed bug and maybe Id like it if he would bite. I was ignored and he fell asleep. I felt aweful and cried all night. I have stopped pleasing myself just to try to make it easier for him to do it, but he wont really try so why should I torture myself? I said this morning that I was upset with him, he said why, then proceeded with the same- Im tired, too busy..I said how come you never tell me anything nice> A compliment, grab my butt, look at me, whatever...he siad I do tell you nice things, I tell you good morning everyday. He continued to tell me about anything that didnt pertain to us. Laundry, whatever. anything to not talk about intimacy. I am a very sexual person, always have been. I just can't go on with raising the kids and puttin on a front to myself. I am running out of energy. You name it, ive tried it. Writing, talking, asking, ignoring, initiating. pleasing him only, thats how it always is. Then he says, I'll try. But doesnt. He dont care if I cry. He dont care if I now hate my body. He doesn't care if I masturbate. I think about how it would feel to have sex with another man. I really dont desire that. I just lie in bed at night, and fufill my fantasies through imagination. They are even with him. But I am tired of having sex only in my thoughts. I dream of him trying to get in the shower with me, trying to get a look at me, or feeling my body. I just want him be honest with me. I am GOING INSANE trying to understand him. At dinner last night- the waitress was hot, and even I was turned on by it. I now get anxiety around other hot women, I sweat, tingle in my arms, and can't breath right. I have to just suck it up. His mother would think I was a crazy if I she knew I was having anxiety over the waitress. she was with us. I just have to hide it. But it makes me angry.I feel so inadequate. I never even saw him looking at her, and it made me crazy. I am just dying for some love. It has been 8 years since I felt good about my body. I just want a massage or some kissing. I just want o feel loved, and appreciated, I work har

33 Answers

  • Best Answer

    Oh honey! It was sad reading this and even got me a little upset. I think you don't deserve this. I want to tell you not to loose hope, I don't know what religious beliefs you have but have faith and pray.

    I know you have kids together so I'm sure you want to work on your marriage.

    I don't have this problem so it's hard to put myself in your shoes and try and give you advice.

    You know what I would do? I would get a gym membership and take your kids with you (there is usually child care at the gym). Work hard at your body... it's been way to long (8yrs?!) since you felt good about your body. This is going to drive him crazy! Think about it, the gym should take a good chunk of your time to not think about your sexual frustration, it actually will help release all the built up anxiety! You know how when someone picks up a new hobby (in your case working out) your partner gets more into you (usually) seeing that there is something you are passionate about.

    You can do so much by going to the gym, if you are determined you can transform your body with hard efforts! I did! In 8 months I went from a size 14 to a size 7! Obviously I changed my eating habits too! Suddenly I felt great! Sexy, confident... all eyes on me! You know!

    You're young! Don't lose hope, instead gain motivation! Once your hubby sees you slowly transforming yourself into a Hot Momma! He'll be all over you! If not! Dump him! Don't worry because God will see your struggles and efforts and will prepare a good man for you who will see your beauty and appreciate you!

    Good luck with everything!

  • 4 years ago

    Firstly, to answer your question, he's asking to see you and be with you again either because (a) he still loves you and wants to be with you, or (b) he's just playing both you and the other woman because he can. I suggest that you don't allow this to keep on happening, because the fact is, he's seeing another woman right now and he's technically cheating on her with you. I know that may seem thrilling, but it's a short term happiness that's going to create a lot of long term problems. You should sit down with him so you guys can figure out what you want and whether you're going to call it quits completely or try to work on a relationship again. The longer you wait around in this grey area of being intimate but not officially together, the more likely it will become complicated, messy, and painful.

  • 1 decade ago

    I feel so badly for you. I can kind of relate, I am 32 and my husband is 39. We have been together for over 13 years and we have two son's together 10 and 12. He is an awesome father and a great husband but in the romance department he stinks. He pretty much always wants to make love so that is different than your situation but every other thing you said holds true. He NEVER tries to look at me naked (and I am not fat or ugly). I do however only have a B-cup and my husband has made the statement before that "the bigger the better". Now he says he was just running his mouth and mine are perfect but if that is the case why doesn't he try to look? Why doesn't he ever just climb in the shower with me? And boy could I use a complament from him every now and then. The other thing that drives me nuts (yours pry does it to) is that he is not jealous over me. His friends flirt with me, say how beautiful I am and even grabbed at me and he has done nothing. His ex however, he found a man in her bed after they had broken up and he beat him bloody. So he does have a jealous side, just not when it comes to me. I so know how you feel. You feel very unloved and unworthy of him. You feel as though every other woman is better than you. You start to examine yourself and pick youself apart to the point that no part of you is worth loving. It is awful feeling and an awful thing to put yourself through. When I start feeling that way, I start dressing up, going to the gym, getting my nails done and going out with the girls. This usually opens his eyes, if only for a few months. I think you should try it if you have not tried it yet. Good luck to you!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    *** I can't email you as your profile is set up where you don't allow email ***

    We need to talk or let me say it better, "we should talk". I have a lot to share with you and in a very similiar situation, except for the roles are reversed somewhat. I can offer some help, if not, at least an "ear" to listen. I feel for what you are going through. Email me.

    You are in pain and that's not what your life should be like right now. I'm sure you are wonderful parents to your kids, but Mommy is hurt and things need to change quickly or you will need to make some drastic and uncomfortable changes soon.

    Source(s): experience. 37 (wife- 38), married 14yrs with two children and experiencing similiar issues
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  • 1 decade ago

    well i read it even if the other person didn't lol, wow what a predicament well from what you said he sounds stupid really, i mean your not old by any means only 31 and the age difference isn't a lot. that is weird most guys would kill to have a wife who really actually wanted sex more than than 1 or 2 times a month i really don't know what you can do. he says he loves you so maybe sit him down and discuss how much he is hurting you by his lack of attention and what it really makes you feel like, and if that doesn't work maybe his feelings aren't as strong as he says i mean you did catch him on that website a few years ago but if he really sincerely cares for you he would increase what he does (i know i would do something i didn't really want to if i was hurting the one i love)

    hope i helped and sorry if you've already done this. hope your marriage works out a little better for you

  • 1 decade ago

    2 times a month? Geeze! Ouch! That's hurts! Sorry! I knew a girl like this before. Her name is Marthy. Married for the longest time. Her husband neglects her big time, just to be with his gangster friends all night long. Marthy is a [doormat] very attractive, very beautiful, adorable woman. An awesome woman, overall, but sometimes some husbands just completely ignore or neglect their fine wives home alone all the time, just to hang out with their friends. So sad to be in this situation.

    You need to speak your mind very hard on him!!!! Yell at him!!!! Tear up his clothes and go absolutely crazy on him. No more Mrs. Nice Girl. Be agressive and grab him. Push all of his buttons, until you find his Ultimate favorite spot. Do his ultimate favorite position. GL

  • 1 decade ago

    You REALLY need to get out of there.

    This guy should be a close friend to you and that's all. He's not sensitive to your needs, he doesn't sound particularly interested in having a sexual relationship with you at all, which isn't necessarily anyone's fault. I'm sure it'd be painful to separate but it doesn't sound like there's a lot of point if he doesn't show you affection - and if sex is such an important thing for you (which is absolutely understandable) then you will never be happy with someone who isn't bothered.

    It doesn't sound like a very romantic relationship.

    You deserve to feel fulfilled and happy, so does he, and clearly neither of you are getting what you want/need.

  • Laura
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Kind of scary how many people suggest a F**K buddy...doesn't say much for society today. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm with everyone else, try marriage counseling. But remember you are beautiful and your self worth is not in what your husband or anyone else thinks of you. It's what you think of yourself.

  • 1 decade ago

    At this point I'd say you could give it one last try and then you need to do something really hard, like file for divorce or get a **** buddy. It sounds like he is great in other areas of your marriage, but you need sex and to feel good about yourself, and he doesn't even care!

    Maybe you could do some kind of workout activity together. That would raise endorphins and help you re-bond.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    after reading that LONGGG story (took me about 10 minutes) id say hes cheating on you, i mean theres no way he can go a month!? without sex? are u kidding me? damn u need to be straight with him and tell him what u need and what u want if he doesnt listen LEAVE HIM, move on your still young and even tho u have kids i know youd be able to find the right guy that will give you want u need in and out of bed. and if your not overweight, and have a nice body i dont see why hes not into you. im sorry but is either hes GAY/cheating on you or he has a problem and needs viagra consult a doctor maybe? good luck and hope everything turns out fine but if not... dont wait any longer 8 years was enough. move on like i said your young and you will find someone better :) *cough* like me jk good luck!

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