Why do Christians keep insisting that their Bible is anything more than hearsay and thirdhand accounts?

Let's face a couple of facts, shall we? #1.) Jesus didn't write the New Testament. In fact, so far as we can tell, the man (if he ever existed in the first place) never put pen to parchment in his life -- we don't even have copies of copies of lost manuscripts. #2.) The disciples didn't write... show more Let's face a couple of facts, shall we?

#1.) Jesus didn't write the New Testament.
In fact, so far as we can tell, the man (if he ever existed in the first place) never put pen to parchment in his life -- we don't even have copies of copies of lost manuscripts.

#2.) The disciples didn't write the New Testament, either.
Go stare at the beginning of each of the gospels for a few minutes. I'll wait for you here.

Notice anything?

It says right there at the top: "The Gospel AS TOLD BY MATTHEW" (emphasis mine).
Not "The Gospel of Matthew".
The fact is, we have no idea who actually penned these books; and based on the ages of the earliest manuscripts, it's almost certain that whoever DID write them couldn't possibly have known Jesus personally.

In terms of credibility, the Bible is half a step behind some urban legend that starts with "My cousin's friend's sister knew this girl who was babysitting..."

If this were a legal case, the judge would summarily kick the Bible out of court, once he finally stopped laughing.

So why do Christians continue to talk like the Bible is some missive handed directly to humanity by God himself before the ink had even finished drying?
Update: @Kimberly -- Way to assume the answer, there!

Have you EVER cracked open a science textbook in your life?
Update 2: I also observe that you didn't actually answer my question -- but then again, that's generally par for the course with you and your brethren.
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