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What do you think of the beginning of my story?

I've already posted this a couple times. But I have added to it.


Run. Hide. Be safe. She had striven on those four words for as longs as she could remember. But this time is was different. This time she wasn't looking for a place to hide, or something to eat. She was being chased. Hunted. The heavy footsteps behind her got closer and she got faster. She didn't know if the person hunting her was friend or foe, but in this case weren't they the same? As she sped up so did the hunter. She tripped, on a stick? a loose tree root? He jumped on her pinning her down. She fumbled in her pocket for the little knife and plunged it into her heart.

Chapter One.

He watched her sleep. And had to admire her bravery. She had done something to save herself from the traitors. Of course, he wasn't a traitor, but how was she to know that. He watched her stir in her sleep and marveled. It was a miracle that she was still alive. She had missed her target by inches. She sighed. He immediately was at her side. Holding a water bottle to her lips. She lapped it up eagerly, eyes still closed.

"What is your name?" He asked her. It would help her to recover, if he could give her reassurance.

"Gwynth," She whispered, before falling back into unconsciousness. Interesting name, he thought to himself. He looked at her more closely, taking in her features. She wasn't very pretty, or maybe she was but he couldn't tell. She had seen maybe 15 summers, at the most. He couldn't tell her hair color. It was too dirty. Her eyes were the only attractive thing about her, but he only saw those as she stabbed herself, they were violet, streaked with blue. Her watched her. His interest was not in her looks, but with the fact she was still alive. The fact that she was so young, and had survived this long, possibly alone, was remarkable. She moaned again.

"Gwynth," He said. She moaned and her eyes fluttered, and opened. The violet was streaked with worry.

"Who are you?" She asked. And he knew she didn't want to know his name.

"Do not worry Gwynth. I am a patriot." She didn't believe him. He could see it in her face.

"How should I know that?"

"You don't. But you are just going to have to trust me." She looked like she was about to fall asleep again.

"What is you're name?" She asked.

"Jason." He answered, as her eyes closed.

2 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    It sounds like you've got something going here. I encourage you to keep writing.

    A piece of advice: Make sure you that you concentrate more on the story than on word choice. Your first draft doesn't have to be beautifully written.

    You may already know this, but I'm saying this because you have shown us the beginning portion of the story rather than a plot summary. That suggests to me that you value the way it is written more than the story itself. I could definitely be wrong. Again, I have no idea how much you've developed your story. I can only go by what I see here.

    Anyway, I hope you continue if you are serious about writing. It seems like you're doing a good job so far.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It's pretty good, but you can add commas instead of having really short sentences.

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