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What can I do to make this paragraph better and/or smaller?

On this history trip, you will see many important sights that were in the history of the Civil Rights Movement. You will get to see the Brown v. Board of Education National Historic Site which commemorates the landmark Supreme Court decision aimed at ending segregation in public schools, Little Rock Central High School, which is the school where federal troops had to escort nine children who were refused admittance because the school was an all-white school, and much more! You will also be taken from Selma, Alabama to Montgomery, Alabama, which is where the Selma to Montgomery Peace March occurred. It is important for you to see these sights because they all played a huge part in the Civil Rights Movement. From Greensboro, North Carolina, we will go to Washington D.C, which is where Martin Luther King Jr. made his famous “I Have A Dream” speech. Then from Washington D.C, we will head to Detroit, Michigan, which is where blacks rioted in response to social, economic, and political equality. From Detroit, we will go to Chicago, which is a very important city to go to since it is where Cicero locals assaulted Martin Luther King Jr. and other participants at the peace rally to address northern poverty and segregated housing. From Chicago, we will go to Topeka, Kansas, then to Little Rock, Arkansas, and then to Oxford, Mississippi. In Oxford, Mississippi, James Meredith was the first black person to integrate at University of Mississippi, and due to this integration, violent protest followed. From Oxford, Mississippi, we will go to Selma, Alabama, and from Selma we will go to Montgomery, Alabama. From Montgomery, we will go to Birmingham, Alabama, which is where George Wallace, who was the governor of Alabama in 1963, personally blocked students from integrating the University of Alabama by standing in its doorway. Finally, from Birmingham, we will end our trip in Memphis, Tennessee, which is where Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated. Due to Martin Luther King’s assassination, riots of protests broke out in over 100 cities. I chose to visit these historic cities in this order because it was geographically easier and was chronological in the sense of the Martin Luther King era. By seeing all of these historic sites and visiting these important cities, you will learn about the Civil Rights Movement in a way that you never have before. Hopefully you can visit me of this great journey of history!

My teacher says that I am supposed to write a "short paragraph", is a paragraphwith 413 words "short"? If not, how can I make it shorter but still keep the point? Also, are there any revisions I can make? Is there anything that I could say to make this better? Please help me! I will gladly appreciate it!!!

2 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I will not re-write your essay for you, but I will try and guide you.

    Try to replace long word strings with shorter vocab. For example:

    "On this history trip, you will see many important sights that were in the history of the Civil Rights Movement."

    Could be simply stated as

    "On this trip were many exhibits from the Civil Rights Movement."

    You make a very extensive listing of various sights, which can be shortened- cut out a few, and combined a few into a single sentence. And more importantly, rather than a long list, teachers prefer when you provide personal insight. Good Luck!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    that is so not short

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