Should I help my child's father pay his court ordered back child support?
I know it was wrong of me, but when we dated I told him my tubes were tied and I didn't want more kids, because he told me he would not date a woman who wasn't on birth control and I didn't want to get on it.
I had 3 kids and was just divorced, and he had 3 kids and was going through a divorce.
When I told him I was pregnant, he hung up in my face and would not talk to me since. I had the baby and later needed to get on welfare because my baby had a brain tumor and I didn't have insurance.
The welfare agency went after him for child support and are making him pay over $1000 a month. Since we stopped talking he got custody of his baby from his previous marriage, and he had quit his job in order to keep custody because his old job he worked 12 hour days. I find out that he has been out of work for a year and a half and he worked for a bank so it has been hard for him to get a new job.
They gave him child support based on what he made before my baby was born.
I know I was wrong for lying to him. He is a good father to his other kids, and I figured he would be a good father to mine regardless. But, he doesn't want to have anything to do with me or her. He doesn't even want to know her name.
Part of me feels that I was wrong and that I should pay for my lie and that he shouldn't be responsible because I lied to him. I am no longer on welfare so I can call the district attorney and tell them to not collect the back child support owed to me, and I could help him pay the $7000 in back child support.
The single mother part of me thinks that it doesn't matter. If he didn't want kids he should have gotten a vasectomy or worn a condom. Now I have this baby to raise and if he's gonna be a father to his other kids and not mine then he should still have to pay for it.
Out of fairness to him, I should also add that he has custody of his child with his ex-wife. He does not get child support from his ex wife.
He also has two older children and he and the mother never went to court so even though he supports his other kids there is no court order to do so.
Should I think about his other children in my decision?
- pragmatism_rulesLv 71 decade agoFavorite Answer
Whether or not you lied, it takes TWO people to make a baby: a man and a woman. It isn't fair for a man to make the woman take all the responsibility for birth control. If a man doesn't want to have a baby, he can either keep it in his pants or wear a condom. If he doesn't do that, then he has just consented to let the woman do whatever she likes with her sperm (as long as it is in her body). (By the way, doesn't this man realize that women lie for sex just as much as men do (a common male lie is that they had a vasectomy or are infertile)???)
Regardless of whether or not you lied, he chose to have sex with you unprotected (doesn't he know about hiv/aids, herpes, genital warts, Hep C? all of which are incurable) and now he can take the consequences, which for him are financial! This isn't his first "mistake" obviously so he did know the potential consequences of unprotected sex. Now he can pay for his mistake!
As for you helping him out, why? Your child is entitled to certain resources (rent, food, clothing, medical care, an education, toys, etc.) so why would you deprive her of them because you feel guilty? This man is refusing to man up and see her (which will cause her great difficulty in life) all because he is upset you got pregnant. If you got pregnant, that was his fault for him sleeping with you and not using a condom so he has no business depriving the innocent child of a father (IF he had kept it in his pants, we would not be discussing this right now!)! Since he isn't going to be a man and do the father thing, he deserves no financial help. By the way, if he is short of money because he isn't getting child support from his ex-wife, that is HIS problem, not your's. He knows where the court is and he can file any time he likes.
As for thinking of his other children, they are not your responsibility but his. He knew he was fertile and had children...he chose not to wear a condom...so why deprive him of the natural consequences (you getting pregnant) of his actions? The only way he is going to learn to use a condom and stop impregnanting females willy nilly is if there are financial consequences for him. Otherwise, he will continue to reproduce anywhere he can and just walk away (as he tried to do with you). If you let him get away with his irresponsible behavior (yes, I know you were too but you are the one stuck raising the child 24/7/365 for the next 18 years and that is enough punishment), he will continue to bring unwanted children into the world!
The only things I think you should do are a) put the money away for your child's educational future, b) be prepared to provide a counsellor for her when she asks why her daddy doesn't want her, and c) don't push the courts to put him in jail for not paying his child support in a timely way. He is going to have to pay sooner or later (they will catch up with him) but you should not be pushing to put his butt in jail!
In the future...no more lies...and please, no more babies!
- Michael HLv 71 decade ago
Once you go on state assistance, collecting child support from the father is pretty much out of your hands, the reason they are trying to get him to pay is so the state won't have to.
You can agree to a lower amount, as long as both of you agree, but the problem will come in if you remain on state aid. In essence what you are telling the state, is that you want the taxpayers to pay, not the father.
What you did was dishonest, don't try and minimize it by saying he should have gotten a vasectomy, or worn a condom, if he was under the presumption that you were unable to get pregnant, there would have been no need to do either.
How you help him financially, is entirely up to you, perhaps when you get the payment each month, you could turn around and send it in again on his behalf, at least do that until the arrears are paid. let him know what you are doing, merhaps he may be a little more interested in being a part of the childs life.
- EleanorLv 44 years ago
It was wrong for you to lie, but I have heard of women still getting pregnant even though they had their tubes tied You can never be 100%. If he didn't ever want kids he should have gotten a vasectomy. He still is responsible for supporting his child regardless. He is being cruel to his own child don't feel bad for him! He is getting what he deserves for abandoning his responsiblility. That child support is for your daughter and to help support her financially so that she will never go without. That money does not belong to you. Think of your daughter who will grow up without her father, the least he can do is help support her. If you take that money away from her then you are a fool!
- raichasaysLv 71 decade ago
You cannot stop the state from trying to collect the taxpayer's money that was spent to care for your child. The state can go after either one of you to collect it. So, unless you have $7,000 in your pocket right now, they won't talk to you about it.
You and baby daddy are both responsible for this child, even though you showed ridiculously bad judgment (how difficult would it be use a condom?) and bad character to lie about things. Baby daddy could have worn a condom, but he was too eager to get to it and ignored all good sense.
So, let him pay for his half of the mess and you pay for your half. That seems fair to me.
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- 1 decade ago
It is your guilt that is getting in the way of focusing on the most important issue: What is best for the child?
The court has determined the appropriate amount of support for the child. If you are to relinquish any portion of this amount, just to take care of your guilt for lying, you are denying the benefits to your child that the court considered appropriate.
You have made a big mistake. Do not compound your mistake with another big mistake that short changes your child.Source(s): 15 years experience in child support enforcement
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Are you looking for sympathy? Your actions speak for themselves. You lied to the man about your tubes being tied and then say he should of had a vasectomy or worn a condom. He is regretting ever blowing a load in you. Leave the poor guy alone.
- Greg PLv 51 decade ago
So you were perfectly able to have a kid, you lied to him and told him you weren't.
No doctor will preform a vasectomy on anyone younger than 26.
He is wrong for the way he acted, and you are wrong for lying to him. You both should share the blame, and the child support.
- 1 decade ago
it's not your problem he is responsible, it's up to the courts anyway. sounds like this has been going on a while. how does a father get custody when he quits his job. something doesn't sound right