Is the intro to my novel any good? Please help!?

So I'm sorry that I keep posting this, but I've taken some advice and changed a few things in my intro. I was wondering if the changes make it better? Yes, it does have to do with vampires, but I fully believe that it is NOTHING like Twilight so please don't be turned off by it. Also, please... show more So I'm sorry that I keep posting this, but I've taken some advice and changed a few things in my intro. I was wondering if the changes make it better?

Yes, it does have to do with vampires, but I fully believe that it is NOTHING like Twilight so please don't be turned off by it.

Also, please don't tell me not to write about vampires because many already have. If you have this opinion, please just tell me if you like my writing style.

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapte...

Thanks for your time!
Update: I'm 22 and have never taken a creative writing class. Just wanted to answer a few people's questions!
133 answers 133