Is the intro to my novel any good? Please help!?

So I'm sorry that I keep posting this, but I've taken some advice and changed a few things in my intro. I was wondering if the changes make it better?

Yes, it does have to do with vampires, but I fully believe that it is NOTHING like Twilight so please don't be turned off by it.

Also, please don't tell me not to write about vampires because many already have. If you have this opinion, please just tell me if you like my writing style.

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap...

Thanks for your time!

Update:

I'm 22 and have never taken a creative writing class. Just wanted to answer a few people's questions!

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I liked it a lot. It reminds me of my own style and I like vampire novels I've written one myself. Good luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Okay. It was really good it patches, but I still feel that it needs more thought. I like the tone that you use, it was interesting, and there were a many lines that were really well structured and just made me smile with the nice description. But, yes, I think that there's still more to be developed.

    Th beginning is good, but then it was almost as if you got too excited and swept the reader too fast. Just slow down and think about the words that you are writing, and really consider it. The vampire thing was way too fast, and swift action scenes like that can be fast in the character's time, but just a pace slower to the reader. Let the reader digest what you are saying; there's an art to stringing your sentences together so that it seems fast but doesn't go over the reader's head. Just be careful.

    Take the hand of your reader ans sweep them away on her journey that promises that you'll never let go.

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  • 1 decade ago

    it's very well written, and I wish there was more to read...but, I've always wondered, do vampires bleed? I also wrote a vampire story, for English, and when it was read aloud in class, the guys made fun of me because of twilight, which it was nothing like, it was even in a whole other era. Anyway, my vampire chick had blood clotted in her hair, and my teacher said vampires don't bleed hmm....I'm gonna look that up on here. Also, you probably will later on, but maybe describe the guy and girl more. But I like your style especially the beginning about the two kit kats haha wow, I'm amused by the randomest things. Good Luck!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hi!

    Good luck on your aspirations. I have just a few things to point out.

    1) Show don't tell, in particular with the old woman on the phone. You automatically told us she was a woman of 90 something, but yet she is on the phone. How did the character know she was a woman of 90? Did she hear it in her voice? Did she see the age pop up on the computer screen?

    2) Remember when you're telling a story through 1st person, you have to let everyone (your readers) know what you learn through that point of view. As first person point of view your aren't privy to knowing or seeing things that aren't physically in front of you or around you to use your five senses. Which brings me to another point- describe with your five senses. Smells, touch, taste... etc. So remember you can't read minds in first person, so always keep that in mind when you are writing. Ask yourself if I were there what would I see; what can't I? What do I know; what wouldn't I know?

    Good luck and I hope this helped!

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  • Thank you for the help with my character, he has been bugging me! I am considering Hadrian - one of your suggestions - and would love to help you too! I read your intro and thought it was brilliant very professional, i actually think we have a very similar writing style, i loved the way that your protagonist doesnt seem like a 'helpless' main role, damsel in distressish type and i thought that the narrative voice was really clear cut, humorous and almost quite sassy, i loved some of your phrasings like 'and after hours of hunching over a desk. my back wasnt faring well either." I like that style, it could almost be described as abrupt. I like it and encourage you to press on, maybe make a whole new vampire image because for some reason the world is kind of vmapire obsessed at the moment(?!) lol. Or maybe revert to the very original type of vampire, garlic, stakes, crosses! I like how your protagonist isnt totally terrified or soppy, i love a main character who has a bit of feist and isnt all 'ohhh savvveeee meee!!!' all the time . . gets old. Good like and if it gets published i want a percentage of the profits lol, im joking!

    Source(s): me! some twilight refrencing (subtle!)
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  • 4 years ago

    I really like it:) I think it's a great start! I don't think it's like twilight besides the whole vampire consept but maybe others will so be careful. Anyways I think it's an awesome intro with a descriptive story:) rock on:) hope to buy it at barns'n'noblees some day!!!

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  • Grace
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    I think it was really good. I've read a lot of vampire books and after a while they get sort of old, but I could tell right that this was going to be different than your average vampire story. I have an issue with SUVs so I didn't really like that part but otherwise it was great!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Yes, I think you write very, very well!! I can see this as an actual book in a store! The only thing I would say you should work in is showing more emotion when she firsts meets the vampire.. it seems like she isn't at all scared. So, if you improve that, the story is phenomenal!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Wow. Basically a ton of other people summed it up. How did you get so many people to respond? I would probably read more chapters, but not buy it.

    Sorry, I can't think of any way to make it better.

    It's pretty good...just add a little more description, but not things like about the color of her nails. Maybe the scenery.

    And maybe the beginning can be more captivating...in a boring way.

    She seems kind of cynical.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think you can write! Except I've noticed you add a lot of side comments in between the dialogue. When reading dialogues, I imagine a straight conversation with lesser comments by the narrator. That way it kind of cuts the conversation.

    But that's just my opinion.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Very good writing style! I would go out and buy the book definitely. Very good! it makes the reader wonder what's going to happen next when in the story you mention the other two vampires, I congratulate you!

    Source(s): Aspiring Author
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