Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

poem.. please review for school project.. edited version?

Its a very depressing poem yes, but that was the assignment so tell me what you think please:

White linoleum floor,

teenage girl, broken-hearted,

slumped against a wall,

alone.

Gleaming razor blade,

cold against her skin, shaking,

flesh opening in its wake,

blood.

Devirginizing the tile,

draining her of life, slowly,

taking away her pain,

calm.

Deep brown eyes,

thickly rimmed in black, glossed-over,

consciousness barely within reach,

heavy.

Heart shaped locket,

gently dangling around her neck, a gift,

from the girl she once loved,

regret.

Door creaks open,

allowing her to enter, the source,

the reason for the blood,

pain.

Hesitantly stepping forward,

Embracing the girl, knowing,

saying nothing except,

I'm sorry.

Cold and limp,

nothing she can do, too late,

it was all her fault,

dead.

2 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    My goodness, I feel sorry for your teacher. If your class mates are anything like you, she'll be looking at 30 equally unoriginal and generic teenage angst poems! How utterly dreadful for her!

    Ok, here's my constructive criticism, before you get all upset:

    "...teenage girl, broken-hearted..."

    "...Gleaming razor blade..."

    "...draining her of life, slowly, taking away her pain, calm...."

    "...Deep brown eyes..."

    "...Heart shaped locket..."

    "...alone..."

    "...blood..."

    "...pain..."

    "...regret..."

    "...dead..."

    The quotations that I have copied from your "poem" are all things that I feel can only be expected from a depressed and angsty teenage "poet". They are cliché and can get extremely boring. Believe me, honey, I've read a LOT of this type of "poetry" and I just can't stand it.

    You need to try a fresh style, one that hasn't been over used to the point of exhaustion. I mean, people have been writing gothic poetry since the late 17th century! This generation of teenagers has simply modernized it and all together, ruined it!

    I know you were told by your teacher to write a depressing poem, but for goodness sake, a little ambiguity and subtlety wouldn't kill you!

    Source(s): Everything I have said within my answer is my OPINION. It is NOT, nor am I claiming it to be, FACT. You ASKED for my OPINION. I do not feel that I have done anything wrong by answering your question in an, all be it, negative way but OPINIONATED. I am sorry if I have offended you in any way, but it is, as stated above, MY OPINION.
  • 1 decade ago

    i love it, absolutely love it.

    and ha ha i write "emo" poems too, don't worry.

    but yes, FANTASTIC poem! one of the best i've ever read, (of the ones that were written unprofessionally)

    and no, i have no correction accept maybe you should change 'it was all her fault' to 'the fault was hers' nothin too big but i flows nicer : )

    great poem tho!

    please keep writing : )

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