Please help! Is the intro of my novel any good?

I have put the link to the intro of my novel below and would appreciate if you would read it and let me know what you think of it. I would love to get some constructive criticism as well! It's a bit long, but I believe it is worth it.

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap...

Also, I'm not a teenager trying to write a book like Twilight. I would much rather be seen as writing a novel comparable to Laurell K. Hamilton or Karen Chance. I know it will go through many more editing sessions, but I would like to know what people think so far. I'm 22 if you want to know.

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  • 1 decade ago
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    You have a good writing style, and it read smoothly. I liked your voice at first, it comes through strong. After reading a little though, she comes off as a bit of a brat. Work sucks, almost everyone 16 and older knows that, but we all have to suck it up, and that's what I wanted to tell your protagonist.

    I get being impatient with the old woman on the phone, but her comments betrayed her age. In fact, reading that, I'd have thought you were younger, still in high school even (no offense). This might not hurt the book much if Ariel is forced to grow up in it, it could lead to a very powerful moment where she's face to face with that realization.

    I want more context. On the setting-Nashville (unique, that's good), and that particular spot (safe area? bad area? touristy? business district?), and where her apartment is (my guess is not great). Also, on how vampires fit into that world. You don't need to give much away, but enough so I know what you're going for. Are they commonly accepted in the world, or something that she and few others know about?

    And, if you ever want this published, you need a more distinctive hook. Vampires are done to death, agent and publishing house have full lists, they need something really impressive to accept it. Try brainstorming for just the craziest circumstances you can, and then pick a couple and make them realistic.

    In the Anita Blake books, Laurel K. Hamilton had the Circus of the Damned, the vampires had nightclubs, and relied on good publicity, which was interesting, and had Anita is not just human, but an animator, and later necromancer. It's distinctive and fascinating. That's what you want to try for.

    That being said, you do write well, and I hope you continue working on this.

    Source(s): Experience and a lot of how-to-write books and articles.
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  • 4 years ago

    Okay. It was really good it patches, but I still feel that it needs more thought. I like the tone that you use, it was interesting, and there were a many lines that were really well structured and just made me smile with the nice description. But, yes, I think that there's still more to be developed. Th beginning is good, but then it was almost as if you got too excited and swept the reader too fast. Just slow down and think about the words that you are writing, and really consider it. The vampire thing was way too fast, and swift action scenes like that can be fast in the character's time, but just a pace slower to the reader. Let the reader digest what you are saying; there's an art to stringing your sentences together so that it seems fast but doesn't go over the reader's head. Just be careful. Take the hand of your reader ans sweep them away on her journey that promises that you'll never let go.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I loved the start I think its really good, the only problem I would have tho is with where you just go straight into "I knew he was a vampire" I think you should tease it out a bit explain how she knows he is a vampire, also I think you should consider the features of the vampire, all of yours seem based around twilight and I you could come up with new features to vampires it could be brilliant

    Source(s): Remember tho its hard to follow in the footsteps of twilight because it was such a hit, yours needs to be different and more excithing because otherwise it could be seen as a copy cat, I still love the start post another question to let us know when you have more written
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  • 1 decade ago

    Overall, I would give this 4 stars. It was mildly interesting, but the whole vampire thing has been used so many times it's scary. After reading Twilight, anything about a vampire has to be really good for me to love. I like your writing style, but I hope to see you amp it up a little.

    Please keep posting chapters!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I really liked the beginning i think the vampire thing isn't what you should do because thats stephanie meyers thing and by the way your story started going you took things like the glowing (glistening) skin the fast speed, pale skin no evident scratches. I think you should do something else new and better be creative i mean the beginning was really good! IDK you know you just do what you feel like doing!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Best intro I have read all day! The way you describe everything makes it sound like it actually happened! It was the best read all day!

    Source(s): Aspiring Author
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  • 1 decade ago

    I like it! I'm really intrigued and can't wait til you write more! You're really talented.

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  • 1 decade ago

    That was very interesting, please keep writing the story. I wonder what happens to her?

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