Please read the intro to my novel and tell me what you think?

I have put the link to the intro of my novel below and would appreciate if you would read it and let me know what you think of it. It's long, but I believe it is worth it. I'd like to know if it is detailed well, or if it doesn't have enough. I appreciate your time.

http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/chapter.asp?chap...

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The first couple of lines have to grab the reader by the throat. Yours do not.

    You change tense a couple of times in the first paragraph, which makes me question your grasp of mechanics.

    Work on your pages. It's up to you to know if it is detailed properly, too detailed, etc. As a writer, that's your job: to understand what works and what does not, to understand the difference between what drives the story and what makes readers respond with "ho hum."

    Keep at it.

    Source(s): Writer/Editor
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  • 1 decade ago

    There are a few grammatical errors, and the first few paragraphs seem a little bit awkward and didn't really pull me in right away. I'm also not altogether sure I like the main character, she's kind of a whiner.

    However,the rest of the writing was pretty good and I would definitely stick with this story, as a reader, to fnd out what happens next and why the vampire wants her.

    One question I had was that the character talked a couple times about being the only one there to close, and nobody around to talk to etc. However, the supervisor was there and remained after closing time. Does the supe sleep at this workplace or what?

    Good luck, I think you have a good start overall.

    Source(s): Avid reader & writer
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  • 1 decade ago

    it was worth reading. quite enjoyable. but i would like to point out the following:

    1. there is a balance missing in your approach. on the one hand, you start off with too much detail about the narrator. the part about why she has never had any reason to be nice to people may be an important point but the way you have put it makes it sound like a digression.

    on the other hand, the vamp appears suddenly and the girl is whisked away. are you trying to speed up the pace of the book? if so, then that is what makes the narrative a little unbalanced. always let your plot develop gradually.

    2. i agree with john in the sense that you are making the narrator a very transparent character. all that details about what she likes and what she does not, all in the first chapter, is a little cliche. let the character unravel gradually. expose her strengths and weakness according to the situation she faces.

    i do like your storyline though. i want to read the next chapter.

    Source(s): me, o'cors.
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  • 4 years ago

    Hi first paragraph needs work some nice prose but ideas are a bit contradicting, your life described here is either in chaos or is banal which is it ? start at the beginning again do not be afraid to rewrite I have thrown away entire essays before now. all the best Ian

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I liked it. Pretty good. A couple of grammatical errors to fix, and watch your tenses, but nice. I don't usually like Vampire stories, but it drew me in. I also like how the Vampire literally came out of nowhere...I never expected that.

    But, I agree with other posters. Try to lose some of the details so early, also I think you should give her name earlier. I like the mystery and all, but I tend to relate to characters, and if I don't know her name, I can't relate.

    Everyone else...read mine:

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AnZXV...

    Source(s): P.S. Thanks for reading mine.
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  • 1 decade ago

    I really like it lmao the most exciting thing that happened was when I got 2 kit kat bars instead of the one I paid 4 lmfao

    Source(s): Yo cool ass story
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  • 1 decade ago

    is worth reading but try to spice it up a bit dont talk too much about the main character likes and dislikes.

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  • 1 decade ago

    its cool but i didn't expect a vampire i was like huh what lol its goo d i liked it you should maybe not talk about dislikes so much you might lose people there but i did like it you should add a bit more detail nearer to the bottom though i ant more lol put the next part in please

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  • 1 decade ago

    It was pretty straightforward.if john had actually read he'd see the likes and dislikes were necessary character building.worth the read good job

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
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