OneLemon asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

What do you think of my poem?

i randomly thought of this poem and thought i should better write it down. What do you guys think of it? We all have a dark side in the end... lol

Darkness Poem -

As she walked down the steps,

Her heart beating fast,

It gathered around her,

A chill meant to last.

She ran for the gate,

Yet it was a fate not to be,

For it touched her, felt her,

Her dark new destiny.

It swirled around inside her,

Filling her head with thoughts,

Of the murders and violence,

That her life had caused.

She fell to the floor,

And with one last ‘thud’

Her heart finally gave away,

To the darkness in her blood.

I know it is kind of short but im not really good at this poetry stuff anyway. =D

4 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    As she walked down the steps,

    Her heart beating fast,

    It gathered around her,

    A chill meant to last. - this is confirming the girl is afraid of something, urging the readers to read on to discover what exactly is frightening her.

    She ran for the gate,

    Yet it was a fate not to be,

    For it touched her, felt her,

    Her dark new destiny. - a wonderful use of words and leading on the story of how something is happening to the girl.

    It swirled around inside her,

    Filling her head with thoughts,

    Of the murders and violence,

    That her life had caused. - a lot of emotional turmoil and well use of rhyming words.

    She fell to the floor,

    And with one last ‘thud’

    Her heart finally gave away,

    To the darkness in her blood. - an interesting ending, beautifiul and clever use of rhyming.

    You have used a very well balanced out and sweet lay out, and chosen your words emotionally.

    Anyway keep up the awesome work, you are brilliant and I am sure that some of your poems could become Famous if you decide to keep writing beautiful poems like this. ^_^

    Wonderful work - I love it <3

    Source(s): hope i helped :)
  • No
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    Stfu, Aleta. Stupid bots.

    Anyway, it's great! It flows really nicely and the rhyme pattern is almost always consistent (in the third stanza you've got a half rhyme). I can really feel the emotions of the girl you are writing about in the first stanza - she seems pretty anxious. I like this poem because it can be interpreted in different ways- is she scared because of previous things or things to come?

    Anyhow, keep writing! You should enter this into a teen poetry competition, or a school one!

  • 1 decade ago

    i like it

    its very good but i feel

    She ran for the gate,

    Yet it was a fate not to be,

    For it touched her, felt her,

    Her dark new destiny.

    needs something more i mean just this one line

    Yet it was a fate not to be

    does not goo

    sorry

  • 1 decade ago

    Damn girl!!!

    thats pretty ******* good!

    i am also a writer myself.

    :)

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