Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 decade ago

i think my fiance is a closet alcoholic?

he never seems to want to get up if there was liquor in the house the night before(i dont mean like a party, i mean like there was some anywhere in the house he had access to while his grandma, mom, dad, our son and i were sleeping). i keep finding beer cans in odd places(& i dont drink beer, or even really at all for that matter) like behind the curtains upstairs, in and behind the entertainment center upstairs, in the garage in various places. my son is only 11 mos. old, so i know it isnt him, his grandmother is like 92, so probably not her, & his mom & dad work all day, then go to bed at like 9 or 10 in their rooms and stay there until the next morning. i had a bottle of jaeger that i was saving in the freezer and i checked it this morning b/c the bottle of whiskey that was out had a lot more of the bottle missing than it had when we had gone to bed, & the vodka had a tall shots worth or more out it than it had previously, & it was completely gone. i dont know how long it had been gone though, i know i nor anyone else in the house excluding fh drank it(his parents dont drink liquor except baileys & all grandma drinks ever is maybe a bit of gin here & there).

we live w/ his parents at the moment b/c he will put an application in & not check on it, then say he cant get a job(the last job he had was before i knew him, & i have known him for about 6 years). living here was supposed to be a VERY temporary thing, but it has now dragged into 4 going on 5 years. we were supposed to move when i was pregnant, then it turned into after the baby was born, then it was before we got married. the baby is now almost a year, and the wedding is 13 weeks away. his mother from what i can tell wants me to leave & leave my son & my fh there so she can have them & not have me around. i dont work any more b/c i cant afford day care & i take care of my son all day. i have no family of my own really other than my son. before i had my son, i worked 2 part time jobs, one of which would give me close to full-time hours. i was working close to 60 hours a week between the 2, 12-14 hour days 5-6 times a week(i would work an 8 or 9 hr shift @ 1 job then work 4-6 hours at another job). fh used this as an excuse as to why he couldnt get a job(he would have to drive me like 2 miles down the road to my other job- if i really had to, i could have probably walked). the 1 day i had off every week he was off w/ his friends. i did this until i physically couldnt anymore(i had complications w/ my son when i was about 5 or 6 mos. pregnant that continued through until his birth- i was so big @ 5 mos. people thought i was having twins, & i am very small in stature, so it was very hard for me to stand for 3-5 hrs @ a time. i had to quit both my jobs when i was 7 1/2 mos. as they thought i might go into labor on the job & there was a likelihood of a delivery complication). i had money saved of my own & bought most of my sons things(all but a few of his clothes, toys, diapers, wipes, etc.; i breastfed b/c it was better for him & so i didnt really have to buy formula), paid off my delivery(money that i later got back & used to pay off my son's circumsion & for other things for me & my son, including food; i had to go on medicaid b/c my insurace terminated when i had to quit), etc.

he gets money from his mom all the time. she enables him w/ his smoking too(when our son was 2 months old, he told everyone he was trying to quit smoking- his mother came back from up north with a box of cigarette filter tubes, tobacco, and a rolling machine for him b/c she saw fh's cousins's wife doing it & "thought it was neat").

i just dont know what i should do, if i should do anything. it really bothers me, but no one else seems to care or see a problem. i just dont want my son to see his behavior & think it is ok. what should i do?


this is also not the first time i have found amounts of liquor missing. he routinely steals my liquor on the rare occasion that i might buy an airplane bottle or 2 for myself, not to mention he goes to the store up the road EVERY DAY at night, or at least thats where he says he is going. when i open his door in the morning(he sleeps in a different room b/c he snores & it wakes our son), it smells like beer bum in there 9 times out of 10, but it is a small room too, so i dont know if that plays in as well.

Update 2:

dina there is part of me that has thought about that, but i would need to go on welfare if i did, and his mother has been waiting in the wings to be able to take my son from me, which if i left and had no place to live and was on welfare, his name is still on the birth certificate, and so she could do it under the guise of doing it for her son. these people have the money to turn my life into legal hell if they wanted and i have no way of being able to fight back. i mentioned before that i have no family other than my son. all of my friends have their own kids and jobs, so there is no one if i were on my own to watch my son. if i dont work then they can say that i cant provide a safe environment for my son and take him. if i do work, then im neglecting him as no one is there to watch him. i am not trying to bite your head off for answering truthfully, i just dont want to end up losing my son to fh's mom b/c of this.

Update 3:

goji, he sleeps in a different room as he wakes both me and the baby up with his chainsaw like snoring.

4 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Pretend that your fiance isn't even an alcoholic for just a moment. Why on Earth would you want to marry someone who doesn't even love you enough to get a job and support his family? Your fiance has lied to you about your living conditions and I can completely understand why you would be ticked off about having to stay with his family. No one would want that. So already, this sounds like a losing situation, unless you never want a secure home life, house, or retirement plan.

    Now let's throw the booze into the mix. It does sound like he has a drinking problem at the very least. Hiding bottles and cans are one of the most telling signs, along with mysteriously disappearing alcohol. He doesn't even sound like a functioning alcoholic, which is bad enough; he sleeps all day. If you married this guy and somehow were able to afford to live somewhere else, he could very well bankrupt you by spending money on booze. You sound like a hard worker, devoted parent and a good person. Therefore, you deserve someone a lot more like you and a lot less like him. It's better to be healthy and alone than to be sick with someone else.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It does sound like he is an alcoholic. And the other answerer is right, why would you want to stay with him even if alcohol wasn't involved. I know you have a son with him. I know leaving is scary. You ask "How can I ever do this on my own?". You can do it and believe it or not it will actually be easier in the long run. Just think of all the time you spend thinking about him and what he is or isn't doing. It will be better for your son, too. Right now he may not be able to tell you what is going on inside his head. But one day he will, in just 6 months or a year. Being raised in a household with an alcoholic is not a good childhood. And I betcha if your son had a choice he would choose to live alone with you rather than stay in a house with a drunk no good father. I hope you find the strength to do what is right for your family. You never know, if you leave and take your son it may be the "wake up call" your fiance is needing. By the way, marriage is not carved in stone until after you sign those paper, so at the very least consider postponing the wedding.

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  • 1 decade ago

    First of all you need to get yourself to an Al Anon meeting in your area.

    There are people there that have experienced just what you are going through. Believe when I say that these people will guide you and give you the resources that you need if you are truly tired of this situation. God Bless!

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  • 1 decade ago

    regardless whether he's an alcoholic or not this guy is a loser. he can't get a job and you live with his parents? that's embarrassing. and how does he just get up in the middle of the night without you noticing? talk to him about it. if you don't, you're only digging a bigger hole and further perpetuating a series of lies in your life.

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