Can someone tell me if this DRAFT is okay.?

I have alot of stuff swarming around my head, and this is my most recent story. To me, it sounds to familiar, like a common alien horror. I wrote it in under 15 minutes though, and just wanted opinions. I've actually wrote about 3 chapters, but I don't know if I should just move on.

HARVESTER

The year's 2803. In 2015, the world we knew, came to an end. Due to global warming, the Earth has frozen over. What used to be, is no more. At first, people ignored it, and when the storms began, it was too late. Nature, began to take itself back. Sickness spread throughout the land, millions died. Then there was the Flood, and with it more death. Religious fanatics claimed it was the end... Guess they weren't far off.

No one could survive the extreme temperatures. Scientists built an underground city, called Valve, to protect them. For a while, people lived "normal" lives. Peace never lasts though. Pretty soon, people got tired of the government, the laws, the confinement, and as technology grew, leaving began to get easier. So they left. They formed a brotherhood of outlaws, and called themselves Polars. Little did they know, they weren't the only ones living on the outside. Animals had changed...evolved, to adapt to the climate. You know what happens when animals are left without food? They grow savage. Thus the wars began. A group of rebels formed the New Faith. They believed God had selected them to carry out his will. So to prepare, they began to form armies, of both man and beast.

To destroy the Valve, they unleashed the captured untamed creatures into the underground. No one was prepared. People kept them back for a while, but it turned out the creatures liked it better in the warmth. Soon they had no choice, they had to retreat. Over time, the few survivors found that sanctuary was no further than the stars. So, here we are...

My name is Velvet. I'm a crew member aboard the Conquest. Seven days ago, we received a distress call from the Harvester, a mining ship used to gather our natural resources from meteors and dead planets. Their signal shows that they have just left earth's orbit. It's supposed to be a simple mission, check in and get out. Or at least that's what we thought...

Update:

When reading, take into consideration, that I am only 17.

:)

Update 2:

Oh, about the global warming=freezing, I'm going by what happened in The Day After Tomorrow. Plus this is a fictional DRAFT.

Update 3:

I have an edited draft in my journal, and it contains better sentences/puntuation. My later chapters also seem structured better in my opinion.

Update 4:

I wrote this pretty quick, and typed it even quicker. I am curious if the premise sounds ok, not the punctuation.

Thanks.

5 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Put the comma down and slowly back away. Not every clause needs a pause. It really sounds like a kid wrote this.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Just to clear things up: You DO NOT offer a DRAFT for criticism. You offer a final draft, not just a draft.

    I get your world freezing over but kindly do not use any reference to movie as that just erase the whole novelty of the book. Brush up on global warming; its not rocket science.

    Another thing, your usage of commas and periods are mostly off. Learn, I suggest, using semi colons, colons, hyperpen, dash and other punctions; they will help you in phrasing things better.

    The last paragraph is really not fitting with the rest here. There's the sudden rush of point of view changing - I thought there was a narrator entity - though I like your not so much usage of I's

    Lastly, if you offer your work for criticism, do not relate your other writing which might be better because we haven't seen it.

  • 1 decade ago

    1. "Due to global warming, the Earth has frozen over." Haha, what? That makes no sense.

    2. You love commas.

    3. Your sentences are short and choppy. There are more sentences with 10 or fewer words in this short story than there are sentences with greater than 10 words.

  • 4 years ago

    at the beginning - it incredibly is confOrmation (till your horse is Catholic? lol). She is extremely suitable equipped, she has the main staggering neck line and an extremely remarkable front. i like her brief returned too. however she does desire some build up on the returned. What could you be utilising her for?

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  • 1 decade ago

    i like it- if you finish it send it to me!!!

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