靈素 asked in 教育與參考出國留學 · 1 decade ago

英文達人幫我看看我得essay?急! [20點]

可不可以幫我看一下我的essay有那些文法錯誤?謝謝!!!

我的題目是: When you were a child ,what did you want to be when you grew up ? how did your goal changes as you grew up ?why ?

我寫的是 :

When we were child , our dreams were changeable,because our dreams were affected by the environment we live in and the people around us. As we grew-up , we often found the dream we had

as a child silly or unpractical ,so we may change our dream again . (When I was a child , I want to be a flight attendant ; but it changed to a coffee shop keeper.)-thesis.

When I was a child , I want to be a flight attendant . Because ,When I was a child , my mother took me travel a lot . And during the travel , I was really impressed by the kindness and excellent service of flight attendant , they were always very gentile to me , always asking me if I need a juice or snack. In addition, I also found their uniform sharp and pretty .So , I want to become one of them . But as I grew older , I found out it’s not easy to become a flight attendant. To be a flight attendant , you need to be good-looking ,in good shape, and communicates well .You also have to go through a rigorous training before you canbecome a flight attendant . I know I will never have the skill to become a flight attendant , so I gave up this goal.

我還沒寫完!因為字數超過 我要貼到補充部份

Update:

Later on , I want to opened a coffee shop of my own . I enjoy spending time in a café and I enjoy drinking coffee . Most important of all, I want to design my own coffee shop . I want to plan how the

Coffee shop looks and how everything is set up inside the coffee shop.

Update 2:

But I change this goal again . Because my mother burst my bubble by saying it’s risky and requires a lot of money to open a coffee shop . She said many coffee shops go out of business in a short time .

Update 3:

接上面的paragraph -

She insisted me to stop daydreaming and actually thinking about doing something serious ,such as become a nurse.She said it’s more important to get a stable job than doing something else . She said you

Update 4:

want to be able to support yourself in the future than dying out of hunger .

conclusion:

Update 5:

I agreed with her that getting a stable job is important . Sometime you have to make a choice between following your dream or getting a stable job . When you grew up , you want to be able to support yourself , so getting a stable job is the only way to achieve this . So, now I’m still exploring.

Update 6:

我發現這邊真的不適合貼essay..

一篇essay都不能完整的貼上來

3 Answers

Rating
  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    第一句就錯了 When we were CHILDREN, 要放複數 你卻放單數的 CHILD...後面 直接接BECAUSE不用放逗號在前面 而且直接接不通順

    we often found the dream we had as a child silly or unpractical

    你要在 as a child 後面放 is

    When I was a child , I wantED to be a flight attendant

    前面用 WAS 所以後面的want 要加ED 變成過去式

    Later on , I want to opened

    to 的後面 要加動詞原型 所以是把過去式放在 want

    I wanted to open

    She said many coffee shops go out of business in a short time .

    She said 的後面 要加 that

    Sometime you have to make a choice between following your dream or getting a stable job .

    把getting a stable job 改成 facing the reality 會比較好

    要記得英文有複數單數 過去式現代式什麼的

    建議你句子盡量不要連太長 可以斷的就斷

    寫完以後自己念兩遍看通不通順

    希望有幫到你

    Source(s):
  • 1 decade ago

    totally agree eh...

  • RenRen
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    不是不好貼,這裡本來就不是用來問功課的地方 =P~

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