Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Education & ReferenceQuotations · 1 decade ago

What are some funny quotes?

what are some funny quotes, who said them(if you know), and you can make them up your self

Thanks

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    A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

    A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Attributed to Arthur McBride Bloch

    Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

    Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

    An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

    Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown

    Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown

    A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

    Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown

    Have a nice day! :)

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  • 1 decade ago

    He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

    LIQUIDITY -- Definition: when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

    I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    Patience is a virtue, but it takes too long

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

    The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

    Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

    The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

    A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    Funny ... I don't remember being absent-minded.

    I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

    I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Fobidden fruit creates many jams.

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  • 1 decade ago

    Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

    ~ by George Burns

    On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

    ~ by Woody Allen

    Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.

    ~ by Gallagher

    Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

    ~ by Groucho Marx

    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

    ~ by Henny Youngman

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    go to iMDB and look at the quotes pages for your favourite movies and TV shows. My personal fave quote pages:

    The Office

    Anchorman

    Step Brothers

    Pineapple Express

    Superbad

    Rushmore

    There's endless choices ;)

    and you can check out www.holliesquotes.com

    there's tons of quotes compiled from tv shows, movies, and everything in between. There's also a HUGE database of Friends quotes which are always good for a chuckle ;)

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  • 1 decade ago

    * Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

    * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    * There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

    * If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    * I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

    * Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

    *

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I could eat alphabet soup and crap out a better argument than u

    Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night......set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

    Source(s): www.poems-and-quotes.com
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  • 1 decade ago

    there is 70 ways to keep a woman happy

    One is to take her shopping

    The rest is 69.. ^_~

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  • .G.
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    " It's a dog eat dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear!"

    " Norm " from Cheers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Monday one day, Tuesday two day, Wednesday huh what day?! Thursday!!

    Source(s): Joey!! :D
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