Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Why do women hate sex?

My wife and I have been together for 12 years. For the last 9 of those years she has hated sex. Not only does she hate sex, but her willingness to engage in sex has steadily declined over those 9 years. Here is the list of things I have tried and/or just do in general:

1. Counseling, 2 different counselors over a period of about 3 years (sometimes weekly, sometimes every other week). We still attend.

2. Being romantic over an extended period of time without ever asking for sex (i.e. buying her scented candles she likes, making her favorite meals, asking her out on dates like when we were just dating).

3. Being productive around the house without asking for anything and without being asked (cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, etc.)

4. Being the primary parent to our children (I work days, she works nights. During the school year she comes home after the kids are off to school and leaves around dinnertime). I help the kids with their homework, I cook for them, I pick up after them. I get them ready for bed. All on a routine basis regardless of the situation between her and I.

5. I take care of my two teenage stepchildren from her previous marriage.

6. I try (although I am not the best at it) to repair things around the house as needed.

7. I do not go out with my friends. Period. I work and come home.

8. Previously she has claimed that she won't have sex with me because I won't cuddle with her to get her in the mood. I now cuddle with her when we sleep in bed together on Saturday and Sundays. Once she starts snoring I roll over and go to sleep.

Now, when we do have sex she treats it as it is something dirty and some sort of job she must undertake. She expects me to ejaculate in a towel so that she will not have to take a shower afterward. Sometimes it is so uneventful for me that I will not finish, and she does not feel obligated to help me finish. We do not engage in any foreplay by her choice. More recently she tells me she is in the mood and then after I get in the mood she decides she is no longer in the mood.

-Example- 3 weeks ago we ALMOST had sex. We went to our counselor, I said I had to go to work for a couple hours afterward because I had to finish some things up. She said that she then would go to work, but she would be home before I got home. I got home at 10pm. She got home at 2am. I was asleep as I have to get up for work at 7am.She woke me up by touching me. She then said I needed to listen to the voicemails she left me. As I listened to her 10 minutes of voicemails telling me how much she wants me when she gets home, she fixed herself something to eat and began watching a movie. When I got done listening she told me that I needed to cuddle with her to get her in the mood. Once she started snoring I said quietly "goodnight" then rolled over. She woke up and said she didn"t want to make me mad so she wanted to fool around. Then she hugged me and started crying about some problem my stepdaughter is having. As I comforted her she decided she needed a shower. When she got out she said goodnite and we went to sleep.

She consistently tells me how much she loves me and how wonderful I am. But she gets angry when I complain about our lack of alone time together and our lack of sex.

I have never cheated on her, but today I told her that I was going to seek out emotional support elsewhere. I have many female friends and they have all told me she is a waste of my time. But I still love her. I do not want to have an affair, and I don't want to leave her, but I fear I have no other options at this point. Any advice?


I have gained some weight. I was about 175 pounds (5'11") when we met, I am about 200 now. The first 2 years of our relationship were filled with sex. For the entire first year I think we did it every day at least once unless it was that time of the month. I was never as attentive to her then as I am now. Unfortunately, I have been blunt with her. I've told her straight out that the lack of sex is killing me. She often times will come back with "you won't be happy unless I am on my back all the time".

It's been 6 weeks since we've had sex, she considers that "all the time" and I don't. She wins.

Update 2:

To Answer some more of the questions:

1. After 9 years of rarely having sex do you honestly believe I stuck it out because I DON'T love her?

2. I've asked her why she doesn't like sex. She thinks we're having it plenty, she doesn't believe she has a problem, she believes I have a problem.

3. I won't cheat on her prior to telling her about it. Period. I will straight up tell her I am about to cheat on her if that's what I decide to do.

3. She kicked me out of the house once because I got so depressed about our lack of intimacy that I started drinking too much. When I found out she was leaving the kids home alone I moved back in uninvited.

Update 3:

Additional Info: Our current counselor has told us that I am playing the role of the wife in the relationship. She has also told me privately that I am an extremely patient man and we have explored some things that have happened in my past to make me that patient. My wife will not see a counselor individually. Even after our counselor recommended it to her, she failed to show for the appointment. By all indications, she does not believe she has a problem. She sees me as the one with the problem.

48 Answers

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    1. She is controlling you. You are letting her.

    2. She is irresponsible. You are the parent.

    3. You are partly responsible for how things are going in your relationship.

    4. Couples counselling is useless at this point.

    You made reference to your past which leads me to think your are behaving in ways that maybe perhaps are ways of reconciling the past.

    First of all I will say it's extremely difficult to look forward if you are looking back.

    Second I don't think you need the counsellor you have as this one is dragging you through the past. Why? It's over. All you have is here and now and do you really want to spend the time you have left in misery?

    Stop taking care of her. Take care of yourself and the children. Show them how to be happy no matter what life throws at them.

    It sounds as if perhaps your wife is wallowing in her past.

    You have only 1 life and you can either let it get the best of you or take the best from it.

    Stay strong.

    • Lv 4
      6 years agoReport

      Yes, she is controlling the relationship -- most women do, they fear letting a man be a man will cause the female to loose power. It's a game to see how much stress she can put you under and she enjoys doing it, because your stress makes her feel powerful, when she is in reality nothing but...

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  • 4 years ago


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  • tebar
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    My Wife Hates Sex

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  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    This Site Might Help You.


    Why do women hate sex?

    My wife and I have been together for 12 years. For the last 9 of those years she has hated sex. Not only does she hate sex, but her willingness to engage in sex has steadily declined over those 9 years. Here is the list of things I have tried and/or just do in general:

    1. Counseling, 2 different...

    Source(s): women hate sex:
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  • 4 years ago

    I hate having sex with my husband too because most of the time when we have sex, I don't feel the love anymore, it feels like he's fiddling with my privates and I feel dirty. Sometimes it feels like he's using sex to take out his pressure and anger from work and he could be pretty rough. As a wife and after doing some research, I can understand that for some men, they just can't live without sex. I told my husband honestly that I have no need for sex but since he has the need, how about we do it once a week. He got so offended he started bickering, threatening and accusing me of all kinds of things. Why do men do that or is it just him? He made me hate sex even more. I'm not turning him away completely and I'm being honest to him. Is it normal for him to behave like that?

    • Bob4 years agoReport

      This comes from being a fake *** ***** and marrying someone for their money.. OOO and not having passion for anything but money as well which is a common feminine trait. The fact that you have no need for sex as you said is pretty ******* inhumane as well. It is normal for him to behave like that!

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  • Anonymous
    6 years ago

    Want some of the best advice you've ever had ? Get a divorce. When the kids are 18 and have moved out get a divorce. The judge will ask why and you can say you've done your business, but she hasn't lived up to her end of the bargain. There are PLENTY of divorced females out there you can find who are caring, but beware the woman who's been divorced more than once...she's trouble and is vindictive at heart no matter how loving she may be at first.

    Don't EVER let a woman control you. This isn't to say you should be a tyrant, certainly not. Most men aren't. But, don't be a doormat. They won't respect you for it. If they try to walk over you, push back and stand your ground, but again you don't have to be an asshole about it, just make your feelings known. There's no marriage rule that says you can't.

    Bottom line -- basically, sex is the relationship. Honestly. If you aren't getting it, you're NOT in a relationship, you're a slave. A lot of women use sex to get what they want and then basically dump the guy after her vows are said and done. Don't fall for someone like that. If you're smart you'll let the kids move out and split things down the middle WITHOUT fighting. That is the key...make the divorce pleasurable, amicable, and go your own way. With the way she's fighting you about having sex, she'll probably be fighting others over it sooner or later. Let her have her herself.

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    • Kevin
      Lv 6
      5 years agoReport

      Thank you for your honesty , much appreciated ! This is why I'm staying permanently single post divorce . " A lot of women use sex to get what they want and then basically dump the guy after her vows are said " Brilliantly put & the vast majority of women do this ,leveraging the disparity in libido

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  • Noell
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    women hate sex

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  • 1 decade ago

    I am going through the same thing, at what point do you give up. Well I won't until my kids are 18 and gone. Including my step children. I work nights and come straight home I do everything you do. Just hoping she would take notice, I make a point to tell her how much I want to be with her. I get turned down everyday, and I let her no I won't keep begging.

    She always told me it was her she did not like her body, We have talked and I let her know how I feel. I told her to love me all the way a wife should love her husband or don't love me at all.

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  • 6 years ago

    I think it is nature. Men like sex for what it is, and generally want more of it the longer they are with someone. Women use sex to get what they want. Notice how every stage of increasing stability seems to come with less intimacy? A woman generally wants a stable partner, fiancé, house, car, kids, etc. She uses sex to get those things, then slows it all down once she has them. It makes sense when you view it this way. I think your situation would improve if you made more friends, talk to people, go on guy trips, etc. Don't have an affair or get a divorce, just get a life that doesn't revolve around having or not having sex with your wife. She may find you more interesting and also see you more for who you probably were when she met you. I feel for you man. Been there.

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  • 1 decade ago

    you are not the problem possibly,but I may have the answers you want.The first thing is she is probably nearing menapause and our bodies and minds change and we don't even know it's happening.The forst thing she needs to do is speak to her Gynochologist for a hormone checkup.She could be low and this makes our desires completely off whack.You could take her to the moon and back but you will never hit the point of entry.There are thing they can give her for this and she will return to her old self.If you have compound pharmacist by you then call them , make an appt with them and they can prescribe the right natural products and it works.I'm surprised the counselor did'nt bring this up.but if it's a man I can see why.Also having teens around is'nt romantic,that make it difficult when they're in the next room. But really try the doc first,maybe ask the counselor to bring it up.We love when we are back to ourselves

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  • 6 years ago

    Ask her to take some Tongkat Ali. While this is usually seen as a thing for men, I have given it to girlfriends in the past which often makes them very excited about having sex. And surprisingly, it was the cause for them to easily experience their first orgasm. It will really boost her interest in it, if she is willing to take it. She may not even be able to sleep without being intimate with you. :)

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