What do you think of my story? (not a teen yet)?

Hey. I was wondering what you thought of my story. I really wanna be an Author when I grow up and everyone I've showed this to said it was fantastic. I was wondering what you guys thought... by the way I just turned 11.

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What do you think of my story? (not a teen yet)?

Hey. What do you think of my story? I wrote it today. I'm 11 and I really wanna be an author when I grow up. Please don't critisize it, I spent ages writing it. Thanks. (you can give me some tips, though)

“I don’t think this is a very good idea, Julia…”

My best friend and I were on the roof of my Aunt Poppy’s little brick house. I swung my legs back and forth as they dangled innocently off the brim of the roof. “Oh, come on, George! What’s the worst that could happen?” I replied, catching a glimpse of her nervous expression.

“We could fall off!” Georgia said, her voice cracked a little as she spluttered out the words.

“Aw, George! Don’t worry!” I told her, “Nothing’s gonna happen to us. Trust me, George. I’ve done this a million times!” I finished, smiling.

“I hope your right,” Georgia said, her eyes sweeping the grassy surface below us.

“Of course I am,” I muttered.

I really, truly didn’t want anything to happen to Georgia. She’d been my best friend ever since kindergarten. Oh, how I remember dreaded kindergarten… in kindergarten my arch enemy bit the heads off dolls. I thought it was pretty scary, actually. Now she’s the ‘Queen Bee’ of the popular clan. Ugh! Georgia and I had 2 friends that we hung around with at school. Eva and Hannah. Eva was very bubbly and never stopped chattering. And that was why we loved her. Hannah was extremely shy. She wouldn’t say boo to a goose! And that was why we loved her. I stayed with my Aunt Poppy every year. She was awesome! Aunt Poppy made the most softest, delicious, mouth-watering cookies ever invented! She worked at the local bakery here in Warrnambool. Aunt Poppy was 60 years old but she acted like a young adult. Well, she did to me at least.

“JULIA! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!”

I closed my eyes slowly and murmured, “Oh no…”

“JULIA!” Aunt Poppy yelled, she adjusted her glasses which were slipping off.

“YES, AUNT POPPY?” I yelled down to her. I certainly wasn’t allowed to plant myself on Aunt Poppy’s roof. And I just allowed my best friend to do it too.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE, JULIA?” She yelled again, hoping I would hear her this time, “AND WHAT IS GEROGIA DOING UP THERE?”

“Uh… um…” I mumbled, shaking my head slowly. What was I going to tell her? I thought urgently.

Suddenly there was a creaking sound. I froze. My insides turned to jelly. I rotated my head slowly to the side where Georgia had once sat. I screamed. It was so loud that it hurt my ears. I’d never screamed this loud in my entire life. This scream couldn’t even compare to the time I’d almost slipped out of my chair on a rollercoaster.

Georgia was gone. Nowhere to be seen… she could be in outer space for all I know! I looked over the edge of the roof. I gasped in horror. Georgia was dangling off the edge of the roof, her fingers merely brushing against the brim. She looked… relaxed. I couldn’t believe my eyes! She just hung there, smiling. The smile was so calm that it looked scary. The way it was painted on her face. She looked like a porcelain doll. Georgia had always been inhumanely beautiful. The way her tanned skin blended in with her shoulder length curly brown hair. Her large blank brown eyes bored into my pale blue ones.

I shuddered. What was going on?! Apparently Aunt Poppy had been longing to know the answer to the same question because just then the magical words floated out of her lip-gloss coated lips. “WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE, JULIA? I’D LIKE TO KNOW IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE!”

In a flash my hand was reaching out to help Georgia. And then my hand skimmed across the empty air. I looked to my right. Georgia was sitting exactly where she was before she’d been clinging onto dear life. “Huh?” Was all I could stutter out before Georgia’s ochre eyes were searching mine.

“Jules! What’s wrong?!” She gasped.

I stared into space, ignoring her. How could Georgia be dangling off a rooftop one minute completely at ease and suddenly appear mysteriously by my side the next? I shook my head, struggling to clear it.

“Jules?” Georgia’s hand was gently shaking my shoulder, “We better get down before your Aunt grounds us both for eternity,” Georgia laughed quietly, her hand sliding off my shoulder.

I snapped out of my trance and nodded weakly.

“We’re coming down now, Poppy. Don’t worry…” Georgia said loud enough for my Aunt’s hearing range.

Georgia led me to the chimney and slid down it delicately. I followed, my mind whirling. When I’d slid down Aunt Poppy’s chimney I found Georgia waiting for me. She was spotless. Not a single trace of dust covered her skin. While I stood there every centimetre of my body covered in a nice black coating. “What?” I gaped at her, “Why aren’t you dirty?”

Update:

Also, I'm sorry the whole story couldn't fit. xD

9 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First of all, if you're only 11 and writing at this level, you've definitely got a lot of promise. I've read prose from people twice your age with only a third of the coherence of this.

    The things I like about it are the brief snatches of description you've thrown in. The story flows very well, with only a few hiccups in places. That said, there are a few things that could be improved. A lot of it is nuts-and-bolts issues like grammar and punctuation; There aren't any real errors, but there are changes that could be implemented to make it read more smoothly.

    The only other advice I can give is to keep writing if it's what you like doing, and to read as much as you can. Learning to pick out what you like and don't like about various writing styles is an invaluable skill.

    Source(s): The Elements of Style is a very, very concise book that will help you work out the basic mechanics of the trade. The other really encouraging book I've found is Stephen King's On Writing, but I'd advise waiting until you have a better grasp of how you write before you start seeking more serious stylistic advice. Elements of Style: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/020530902X/... Stephen King's On Writing: http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Stephen-King/dp/0743...
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  • 4 years ago

    Well first of all, for being eleven, you certainly have talent. I've been writing since I was about eight, and i've had a lot of practice. You could edit it some, and change it around, and it does need some work, but overall, the general idea and writing was well written, bus like I said, clean it up a little. Good job, and keep going! P.S. I want to be an author too!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Hmmm...Good piece of writing. Just a tip; I think it would be better to add in more characterization to the people and maybe make the part about the girl hanging and going down more elaborated. A good way to show action is to play with the sentence structures, longer and shorter. Eg: Instead of 'His gun fire a shot and it hit him' you could say 'His gone fired'. It adds more action and suspense when you add in some short and simple sentences. Hopefully we will see you one day as an author. Good luck! ;)

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    So you posted it here purely for everyone to stroke your ego?

    Sorry, I have better things to do. If you have no interest in criticism, don't post. In any case it's site abuse for an 11 year old to have an account here. You really need to go to a site aimed only at kids if you want people to treat you as one.

    And no, spending one day on a story is not "ages".

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  • 1 decade ago

    Wow. This story is very interesting! I would like to hear more from it please write more if you can.

    OK. for the feedback I couldn't find anything bad, even for grammer, so it is a good thing, because most people writing stories on the web have a problem with that.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm not sure what you're looking for if you don't want critiques. How do you expect to improve without the critiques of others? It's a nice start for a eleven year old. Keep working at it.

    Are you a young writer interested in learning about the publishing industry? Want tips on how to improve your craft? Then visit http://jcthejourney.blogspot.com/.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It's amazing! Even if it's not the whole story.. Wow! U do hv a talent!

    Source(s): i luv reading
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  • 1 decade ago

    Great story!

    You also like cookies! Kudos!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Lovely. I can't wait for the next part. :)

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