How is this intro for a story (tenth grade enlish extra credit)?

Its a bit dark but after last years essay I doubt Ill get sent down to guidance as a "troubled kid" by any teachers and if so...whatever.

I used this as a prompt:

"Wake up...Wake up and...smell the ashes.

They tried to bury their sins, but instead

planted the seeds of their doom.

A war is coming.

I've seen it in my dreams.

Fire sweeping over the earth,

bodies in the streets,

cities turned to dust.

Retaliation."

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The cityscape was barren,deserted. Fires filled the sky and smoke billowed from every pore of most buildings. He was in such pain...His vision blurred to the point of seeing only a few feet directly infront of him. An uneven gate as he trudged along breathing heavily all the way. The man turned a corner and continued on. His Lab Coat was bloodstained and his glasses had been cracked and shattered leaving only the mangeled and twisted form of their rim lying over his beaten and swolen face.

His hand was clenched to his chest where deep within was the bullet that had wounded him so. His aggressor had been killed not by his own hands but of whoms he was not sure. One momment the man was upon him-beating him to the ground only to fire a pistol into his chest and the next all that remained of the man was a charred skeleton seemingly drowned in a puddle of its own blood. The whispering was stuck in his head. Something had said something as he looked at that skeleton.Indistinguishable and pointless ,no doubt, but menacing and evil in its own right.

Again and again he stumbled and fell to the ground as he walked. Each time it was harder and harder for him to stand once again. He kept on walking and slowly he found that he didnt know where he was walking but felt he was moving in the right direction whatever that may be. Eventually only small buildings were around him and he had reached the epiccenter of the explosion marked by a deep crater.He staired out across the chasm and saw his wife and his children waving at him. The scenery changed and the grass regrew and the buildings were repaired and the lives restored. The man smiled and walked towards his family who had moved behind him. As he reached them he found 3 skeletons bathed in their own blood. Violently he spun away from this sight and again saw his own family.Once again smiling and walking towards them there was a massive explosion of hell and fire and as the fire seared and engulfed him he looked only at his family.

He looked across the crater. They were no longer there. He wasnt sure what he had seen but the buildings were ruined once more. The lives again extinguished and the grass again destroyed. A sudden movement to his right turning only to find nothing. He turned away from the crater and at once saw a shadowy figure behind him. He opened his mouth in shock.And like his aggressor he too fell to the ground-a skeleton in a puddle of its own blood.

1 Answer

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  • 1 decade ago
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    Very good, there's some very nice visuals in there.

    I suggest though that you run it through a spelling and grammar checker; there are quite a lot of mistakes in there, and you'll get a better mark if your spelling is perfect.

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