Chris asked in HealthMental Health · 1 decade ago

If Bipolar Borderline Personality Disorder people fear abandonment why do they use "splitting" & ignore friend?

Why do people with Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder Ignore?

Why do they use their illness as an excuse to manipulate and control others by using the Silent Treatment to Dump and Ignore the people who are closest to them (loved ones, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends, dating partners)?

What I mean by this question is, why do people with borderline personality disorder ignore the person whom they have decided to "hate" and/or "paint black"?

Why do they ignore their loved one with whom they have had a one-time falling out with, when the loved one try's so hard to talk to the BPD person to get things solved?

It's always one-sided, where the "loved one" seems to be the only one constantly trying to repair the relationship.

I've done my research on the disorders, so no need to describe what BPD is like, and no need to use political psycho-babble regarding "codependency."

I just want to see if anyone, with or without this disorder, can answer my question on why they ignore the person.

Is the ignoring permanent? How many days must go by before it's considered "being dumped?"

Finally, please define "splitting"...


There are 14 pages listed at the bottom of this link I'm enclosing which shares similar situations where BPD people just vanish out of relationsips/friendships with no explanation or discussion.

I wish there were a way to deal and react to the situation besides knowing "why" they do it.

Here is the link:

Update 2:

And another link which I could totally relate to:

Update 3:

My bipolar loved-one also came from a broken family. The mother became a drug addict after he was born, custody battles during his childhood, placed in foster care at 16, rehab twice for substance abuse with marijuana, cocaine, meth, alcohol.

He's taking 4 pills a day of the most powerful anti-psychotic available called SEROQUEL. The medication makes him numb and tired. He goes to therapy once a week, and a psychiatrist every 3 weeks for medicine monitoring.

I just feel he's making a conscious decision to disappear and dump the people closest to him. He's super promiscuous, a High school drop out who works at mcdonalds part time, and no drivers license.

The irony is they say they don't want to "hurt " us, but that's EXACTLY what the end up doing....HURTING us 10 TIMES MORE!!

9 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Perhaps because we have been abandoned, rejected, poorly judged, stigmatised and taken for granted so many times that we become so afraid of being hurt.

    That by having an argument with a friend, we automatically become afraid and paranoid that the person we had the argument or disagreement with is about to dump us, or hate us, or thinks lower of us like so many that have before, that we cut the contact to protect ourselves before they have the chance to hurt us.

    Perhaps we return to isolation for a while, because we feel so triggered and hurt by the argument that we need to be alone to recover.

    Perhaps we need to surround ourselves with other friends that make us feel normal again because we feel so evil for having had an argument with someone and hurting them, that we need others reassurement or treating us with kindness so that we can recover.

    Perhaps we are scared of trying to mend the bridges for fear of rejection which would trigger us so severely we might even want to end our own lives over it, and must protect ourselves at all costs against that by avoidance of that possibility.

    However, though I have used those tactics many times, I have also on numerous occasions faced my fear and made first contact, apologised even when I didn't feel I was wrong. Not apologise for what I said or believed, but for how I came across and for the fact we argued.

    And no our intention is not to hurt others, but simply to protect ourselves, because to not protect ourselves could kill us. And I am not over dramatising or exaggerating when I say that. We are on the edge every day of our lives, and it only takes something small to push us over.

    This does not mean we are not hurting at losing someones presence in our lives, but by being the one in control of the situation we are able to cope better with it than we would by a rejection or lowered opinion of us.

    I hope your friend comes round and is able to reconcile with you.

    Also, we do not use it as an excuse, it is a fact that a symptom of our illness is that we see things black and white and rarely anything in between. It is a fact that a symptom of the illness is that we go from extremes of putting somone on a pedestal to the opposite. When you put someone on a pedestal, and they do something we see as wrong, it's a shock to the system and scares us that we could be so wrong about someone we thought so highly of, that we thought was perfect, that we had given our absolute loyalty and trust to. Once knocked off that pedestal, it takes a while for us to be able to trust once again, anyone but especially that person in particular.

    We find it hard to come to terms with that they were not perfect, that they could make a mistake, or hurt us. It takes time even to comprehend that the intention may not have been to hurt us, because so many had hurt us intentionally in our lives.

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  • 4 years ago

    14 is to young to be a BPD candidate, although cutting yourself is common in that disorder as well a being female, which you didn't mention one way or another. I would focus on the ADHD end of it. If you have a doctors diagnosis, your school should have accommodations, at least if your in the US. Don't sweat the grade stuff. That doesnt mean your stupid or inferior; it means you don't know how to work the "system", and that's what academic performance refers to. Once you get that wired, its easy. I'll tell you how to start. First is attendance; be there everyday, rain or shine, make attendance your life mission, nothing gets in your way of attending class; this is now your art, your job, your religion, your goal is to outlast the rest of the students, all day if need be, and then some ( in the library during study time) take small 10 min breaks so you don't burn out. The rest comes from trial and error and adapting to the expectations of the school system. But first off be determined to show up and participate as much as possible. Don't get sucked into the diagnosis mental patient thing. And there are a zillion (normal) 14 year olds with tweaker parents going through the same thing you are. Don't sweat the petty stuff. ( don't pet the sweatty stuff either). Good luck

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  • 1 decade ago

    Ok so your asking about several different disorders Ill answer for boderline pd.

    THEY DO NOT CHOOSE SPLITTING! That is your first mistake in understanding the disorder. You may be able to choose to do so but they do not. If they could choose to do so they wouldnt be ill.

    Let me clarify splitting. People with borderline personality disorder have extreme difficulty in holding a continuous memory of people and things over time. That is part of the disorder. You can have a fight with someone you love, as a healthy person, but recall that many times before that fight they have been there for you loved you etc. You know it is only a moment in a much larger relationship. People with bpd can not create and hold this picture. To the extent that if they are seperated from a loved one long enough they loose all emotional feelings for them because they can not retain them. A person with bpd can only retain the way they last interacted with someone. Its as if your making a first impression over and over and over. So as they can not retain anything about how you are or were to them yesterday or the years before they only know how you last interacted with them.

    If you hurt them thats all they know of you. So they go away.

    Its not a choice its a result of a difficulty and in some a total inability to retain a whole picture of people and things.

    I dont know if you can grasp this. Its complicated if you do not know it to understand it. Take the last interaction you had with anyone. Now imagine that you have no recollection of anything else theyve ever done said or meant to you. How would you relate to them.

    Thats what the world is to a borderline individual. A big fat eraser.

    I could go into bipolar and schizoeffective but I wont. I think you need to go to a counselor for them to help you understand the disorder and its implications and symptoms on the individual and their loved ones. They could help better than reading online could.

    They do not want to hurt people. They have disorders with symptoms. If they chose to hurt you they would be healthy and just assholes. But they are not and you need some assistance in really understanding the illnesses and helping you to be able to cope with this persons symptoms in your life

    Source(s): have bpd and bipolar 1 dating a schizoeffective man
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  • 1 decade ago

    Fear of abandonment and splitting are both classic symptoms of BPD. There often isn't any real reason why BPD's isolate themselves; but maintaining a relationship with a person can be a lot of hard work and can be very stressful, especially when they are feeling depressed.

    Splitting is the term for all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. There is no middle ground. Things are either all good, or all bad.

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  • steffi
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    let's look at the fear first, it's a strong motivator to behavior. bpd's fear being hurt themselves mostly, then separate from possible causes of abandonment (loved ones) so the fear becomes a self-fulfilling omen. (i have it and go to therapy, etc.) there are skills we can learn to deal with the fears of abandonment, interactions with others, distress tolerance, etc. these are known as dbt skills training and they work! but we must keep at them and maintain them or we slip back into old behaviors.

    your patience and interest are commendable. hope this helps a little.

    Source(s): dbt by marsha linehan
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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    ok first off i dont know how to answer your question but i will try

    i have what they call "bipola dissorder" its one of the hardest things to deal with

    mostly caused by one of your parents having it or in the blood line close by... u have it and it wont show until someting happens to yu that could change your life.

    mine was most likely caused by my parents seperation when i was about 7 or 8 .

    and from then as i got older started into drugs and heavy alcohol

    and it all set off from then

    ive been through alot since the seperation ...drugs and etc then bashed and but into foster homes

    i finally set out to try and be good for myself so i put the **** out of my mind away forever.i moved hme to my dads and found the perfect guy that understands that i might phyc up r have an episode but hes right there for me and understands me.

    u cant realy explain the things that go through my head as it all depends on what u go through

    we put the nes we care about away from us ...usually far far away so we dont hurt them..and we realise that we would hurt its better if push them away for awhile......

    and that being dumped thing? well we dont even no what were doing let alone dumping someone \

    we cant make decisions for ourselves


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  • 5 years ago

    Because of extremely judged and put down because of disorder that no one seems to get and because of major losses through death or abandonment we get decide to not let anyone else in because we're to tired of being hurt again.

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  • 3 years ago

    Bipolar Abandonment

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  • 4 years ago

    #1 Social Reprogramming Method -

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