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Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 1 decade ago

Critique this? i am 13?

the image is meant to be a wooden ballerina in a music box, reaching, craving for the light

To await the light

A face of wood with a risen chin,

To twirl upon her needle toes.

A broken doll with splintered skin,

As she dances with an aching pose.

A lily white sky of perfect hands,

Did carve her silken thighs of oak.

A perfect figure of the day lit lands,

To wrap her in a paper cloak.

So sweet and small, the ticking tune,

The measuring of her silent heart.

The heart that embraced a fallen moon,

To stitch the earth of sunken art.

Her neck to stretch and yearn for light,

To lean and spy the leather stars.

Her dripping fingers under sleeves so tight,

They tear to cast her wooden scars.

A sugar soaked mouth to drink the sun,

Watching eyes to abandon tears.

Her narrow heels that cannot run,

She hears the tune with pointed ears.

5 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Pretty good for 13 years old.

    You got some talent, stick with it :-)

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  • This is pretty good, You have a couple spots I tripped on an extra syllable.

    If you want to tighten it up, make all the lines match in syllable count.

    make it all 9, or all 10 or all 8..

    For your age, it is very well thought out. I commend you

    hold onto your pen and paper.

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  • 1 decade ago

    This poem is very good,especially for a 13 year old.I am 13 too,and my poetry isn't as good as yours.Keep writing,I hope to see more of your work soon!

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  • 1 decade ago

    I do get that image that is a good I'm also 13

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    thats really good especially as your only 13. you should subscribe to wordsmith if your british anyway. its a magazine where you send in your work and hopefully it will get published

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