How do you stop hating your mother?

My mother and I used to be close... kind of. I'm 20 years old, married, and expecting my first child. And for some reason, all the resentment and hatred I've ever had for my mother has hit me full force. I was homeschooled my whole life. But my mom didn't know what she was doing, nor did she care. Her reason for homeschooling me was "kids will pick on you. They'll make fun of your ears, and your legs, and your hair. You're too much of a baby to handle it" she would tell me things like that whenever I begged to be put in school. How do you think that made a little girl feel? I always wondered what was wrong with me, was I really that ugly? I still have self confidence issues because of that. We lived out in the country, and I had no social life growing up. No friends. Only my little brother, who was also homeschooled. (Except my mom thought it was a good idea to put me, a 12 year old, in charge of his education, as well as my own.) We went to church, so I had a little interaction with humans that way. I got engaged to a complete loser when I was 17. My reason for doing so was simply to get away from my mom. I ended up breaking it off with him a few months before the wedding. Growing up my mother would do all sorts of evil to me. At least thats how I saw it...

When I was 12 I wanted to stop wearing ankle length dresses and start wearing blue jeans, like every other girl. My mother made me shop in the boys section of the clothing store for my pants. People from my church would give me bags of clothes, including girls jeans. When I'd wear them my mother would tell me I looked like a whore. Slut. Skank. Whatever word came to mind. Even if they were baggy, or 4 sizes too big and held on with a belt! I would argue back, and that would result in me having a bloody lip, missing hair, ect. She mostly went for punches to the stomach, or throwing me around by my hair. She wasn't a drunk, or druggie, in fact she was a sunday school teacher at our church. But at home she was a completely different person. My dad was always the in-between. Litterally. Mom behaved herself when he was home, and if she started getting abusive, my father would actually physically step between us and pull her off me. She would go into fits over anything and everything, I never hit her back, but eventually I got sharp enough with my mouth to fire back some verbal shots. Eventually, I got to the point wher I'd stand there, and take her hits. Not blink, not cry, not show any emotion. I would absorb everything, both verbal and physical, and hold it inside. Its no surprise that I lost my virginity and a year of my life to a man who was 7 years older than me (illegal since I was only 17) and abusive. He had all the same qualities as my mother. The man I'm now married to is wonderful, he's sweet, kind, supportive, and he knows about all my mental issues concerning my mother and my childhood. My mother has 'turned over a new leaf' I guess you could say, and is now trying to be my best friend. She wants to be around my son when he is born, she wants to talk to me every day, and calls me constantly. I wish with all my heart that I could make myself love her, but even the thought of her around my son makes my blood boil. My dad and I are close, and I love him to death, but in my mind, my mother is still the witch I grew up with. How do I get over all the things she did to me, especially the things that still have effects on my life? I don't have a highschool diploma or a GED, thanks to her, all the things I wanted to do with my life I can't now, because of her. I have no self confidence, no trust in anyone, and I am incapable of making friends, because I never had any growing up. As a result I'm 20 years old, pregnant, my only friend is my husband, and I'm terrified of having this baby because I have no female support, and don't want my mother involved. Somebody help me!!!!!!

12 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First of all your Dad saw all this occuring, agreed to the homeschooling and never stood up for you? He is just as much to blame as your mom for not advocating for your best interest. Your post was well-written. Obviously, you learned something homeschooled. You are only 20. You can attend community college and get your GED. You have options.

    Join a women's group at your church or in the community. There are lots of women who can help you learn how to be a proper mother. A woman family counselor might be perfect. You need counseling if you will have a prayer of negotiating your "mother issues" that will arise with the birth of child.

    God Bless you and your baby. You have a lot to enjoy and look forward too.

    Source(s): Grew up with a mean mom
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Oh my god! This is my life story!! The mother, the ended engagement, my age, and my pregnancy!

    My mother did all the same things to me, and now that I'm gone (I moved out on my own at 16) she is the most caring, loving woman ever! She quit her job to be a "full-time" grandmother!! She watches my 4 nieces and nephews and loves it! Actually, I was so used to being called a slut and whore, I was terrified of telling her about my pregnancy. She was elated!!

    I tried to push my mother out of my life, but I realized she truly has turned over a new leaf. Its very hard for me to trust her, although my siblings don't find it odd. It may because they're boys and were in High School by the time I was born. I've slowly accepted this over the course of 2 years. She does seem to be genuine. The only possible explanation I have is that my mother had a mental illness (quite possibly bi-polar disorder) and it has since "leveled out". Menopause may have an effect on this, because thats when she became normal.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I'm sorry you had to live like that in your youth. I don't know if you can ever have a real relationship with your Mother. I'm sorry, but I can't imagine growing up like that. You probably need some help. I think you are taking the first step by talking about it to others. Maybe once you get all this off of your chest, you can start to heal. Has your Mother ever told you that she was sorry? If she's really changed, then that is her first step. I wish you all the best and I'm so glad you have a friend in your husband. I think once you are a Mother, you will be fine without any help. Just try to stay strong. You'll make it!

  • 1 decade ago

    Im very sorry for the life u have been made to live,by the sounds of what u have said about your mum it sounds like she may have been abused as a young child herself and also bullied by other children,that may be why she didnt want you going to school because of her fear of you being bullied,in no way is this excusable i do think maybe you should sit down with her and ask her about her past.let her know how all the things she has done to you has made you feel and the repercussions that have come about as a result of it all e.g. no education,no social skills,the emotional pain of her abusing you both verbally and physically.In all my research into child abuse,religion seems to be a factor in a lot of the cases as well as mental health issues.Either your mum has a lot of unresolved emotional issues herself or quite possibly may have a metal health illness like borderline personality disorder.

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  • I could only read half of that before my eyes went mental >.<

    When someone has treated you that harshly got all of your childhood, its gonna take a hell of a lot to get over.

    As you were a child, chances are, it'll be one of those things that'll be with you forever.

    You can't just stop hating her for something like that, you have to try and look on all the better things that happened with your mother?

    Try and focus on any good points, and it might help you to forgive the bad?

    Sorry for not being much help.

  • 6 years ago

    Rico's on the birth of your baby and enjoy your life. Try counseling. Find women who can help you when parenthood and try to get your mom dad and husband to go to counseling 8th you. You might wanna act right now while you can. Your mom seems like she wants to put all the past behind her, you should join her.

  • 1 decade ago

    i recently had a baby. Me and my moms relasonship is someone like yours except a little different in some lights because she , like me, was pregnate at a young age. She tried to prevent that from happing to me which in the end just pushed me to do it more.....anyway

    my mom now wants to act like my bestfriend too, despite the "hell" she put me through. the point is, she just wants to be close to the baby and i would allow her to see the baby just NOT ALONE, thats what i would do. she the grandmother and in a way deserves to at least get to visit. I would just keep a watchful eye and not let her get to you. Show her that your the mom she wasn't.

  • 1 decade ago

    You know I know how you feel, my own mother was a witch to me. and even thought she apologizes I just can't Truly forgive her, She would also bit me up for nothing. You see my parents got divorce when. I was nine. Me and my mother and sister went to live with her. she was abusive to us, she wouldn't feed us, or cloth us. she would buy everything for herself, and she would let her boyfriend molest me. I could never really for give her. Today sometimes, I steal have nightmares. perhaps you should let it out, tell her how much she really hurt you. I have done that with my mother.I really can't give you advise here because I can relate to you.

    Source(s): my opinion
  • 1 decade ago

    omg what your mother did was awful but maybe your mother only did what she thought was right judging that she might have had a bad school experience and for you to suffer like she did. i know that you are angry but the most you can do is give her a chance maybe she does want a better relationship

  • i am soo sorry this happened to you! i wish things had not happen to be that way. you cant stop your mother from seeing your kid. i mean you can but it would not be so nice it is infact her grandson. honestly if it were up to me i would tell her how she felt when she was hitting you, calling you slut, etc. tell her how would she feel is she was in that position or how would she feel if she saw her grandson in that position try for your mother to make it up to you. if it were my choice i would let her see him/her every month one a friday

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