How do you stop hating your mother?

My mother and I used to be close... kind of. I'm 20 years old, married, and expecting my first child. And for some reason, all the resentment and hatred I've ever had for my mother has hit me full force. I was homeschooled my whole life. But my mom didn't know what she was doing, nor did she care. Her... show more My mother and I used to be close... kind of. I'm 20 years old, married, and expecting my first child. And for some reason, all the resentment and hatred I've ever had for my mother has hit me full force. I was homeschooled my whole life. But my mom didn't know what she was doing, nor did she care. Her reason for homeschooling me was "kids will pick on you. They'll make fun of your ears, and your legs, and your hair. You're too much of a baby to handle it" she would tell me things like that whenever I begged to be put in school. How do you think that made a little girl feel? I always wondered what was wrong with me, was I really that ugly? I still have self confidence issues because of that. We lived out in the country, and I had no social life growing up. No friends. Only my little brother, who was also homeschooled. (Except my mom thought it was a good idea to put me, a 12 year old, in charge of his education, as well as my own.) We went to church, so I had a little interaction with humans that way. I got engaged to a complete loser when I was 17. My reason for doing so was simply to get away from my mom. I ended up breaking it off with him a few months before the wedding. Growing up my mother would do all sorts of evil to me. At least thats how I saw it...
When I was 12 I wanted to stop wearing ankle length dresses and start wearing blue jeans, like every other girl. My mother made me shop in the boys section of the clothing store for my pants. People from my church would give me bags of clothes, including girls jeans. When I'd wear them my mother would tell me I looked like a whore. Slut. Skank. Whatever word came to mind. Even if they were baggy, or 4 sizes too big and held on with a belt! I would argue back, and that would result in me having a bloody lip, missing hair, ect. She mostly went for punches to the stomach, or throwing me around by my hair. She wasn't a drunk, or druggie, in fact she was a sunday school teacher at our church. But at home she was a completely different person. My dad was always the in-between. Litterally. Mom behaved herself when he was home, and if she started getting abusive, my father would actually physically step between us and pull her off me. She would go into fits over anything and everything, I never hit her back, but eventually I got sharp enough with my mouth to fire back some verbal shots. Eventually, I got to the point wher I'd stand there, and take her hits. Not blink, not cry, not show any emotion. I would absorb everything, both verbal and physical, and hold it inside. Its no surprise that I lost my virginity and a year of my life to a man who was 7 years older than me (illegal since I was only 17) and abusive. He had all the same qualities as my mother. The man I'm now married to is wonderful, he's sweet, kind, supportive, and he knows about all my mental issues concerning my mother and my childhood. My mother has 'turned over a new leaf' I guess you could say, and is now trying to be my best friend. She wants to be around my son when he is born, she wants to talk to me every day, and calls me constantly. I wish with all my heart that I could make myself love her, but even the thought of her around my son makes my blood boil. My dad and I are close, and I love him to death, but in my mind, my mother is still the witch I grew up with. How do I get over all the things she did to me, especially the things that still have effects on my life? I don't have a highschool diploma or a GED, thanks to her, all the things I wanted to do with my life I can't now, because of her. I have no self confidence, no trust in anyone, and I am incapable of making friends, because I never had any growing up. As a result I'm 20 years old, pregnant, my only friend is my husband, and I'm terrified of having this baby because I have no female support, and don't want my mother involved. Somebody help me!!!!!!
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