funny jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you're flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.

9 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Loving the jokes!!! Thanks for making me smile today!!! Very good haha

    Thanks for the

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  • 4 years ago

    Why is it a bad idea to play UNO with mexicans? Because they will always steal your green-cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a car. Who's driving? A cop What's the difference between a blackman and a bench? A bench can support a family of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everyone that can run, jump and swim is already here.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    the airplane ones were the best ones

    the tattoo biker gang was hilarious

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Oh, my God! They are Outrageously Funny! I absolutely loved all of them!!!.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 decade ago

    Great Them...

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    lllllllllll

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    lll..........................llll

    llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. OL!!!!!!!!

    ROFL!!!!!!

    LMAO!!!!!!

    ROFLPIMP!!!!!!

    ROFLTNTSMP!!!!!!!!!!

    The last one was HILARIOUS!!!!!

    btw sorry i didnt finish the LOL, it was coming out weird so I left it....

    anyway

    u r the most awesome person on the planet!!! (besides me lol)

    xoxoxox

    daydreamer

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    funny

  • 1 decade ago

    Lol made me laugh thanks! x

  • xyz
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Haha! Thanks for sharing.

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