Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicJokes & Riddles · 1 decade ago

Joke: For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously?

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

16 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best Answer

    Here are some one-liners you might want to add to your list:

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

    We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

    The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

    Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like an orange.

  • eggink
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    Jokes About Being Serious

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    Hey there,

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    no surveys, no scams, just the full game!

    This 2D side scrolling multiplayer game is of the action and war genre, with a particular focus on the war aspect.

    It's a very nice game.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I like #47, I always have trouble with vending machines.

    I liked most of them. A lot to read though, my eyes hurt now.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • A very wise long list of life's little idiosyncrasies!

    Good Job!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    No's 7 and 46 rung true for me..... rofl.

    Practicing Shaman... quantum physics rocks.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I liked some of them

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Why only 54? good number.

  • Harold
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    1

    Source(s): Marriage Miracle Solver http://SaveYourMarriage.latis.info/?913i
  • 1 decade ago

    ROFLOLMAO! That was brilliant! Hilarious or funny!

    HAHAHAHA! Good one....uuhhhh 54 I mean!

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