Opinions on my poem? The ending is a bit...odd.?

Shooting pain,

through your arm.

Something so beautiful,

yet something with harm.

Breakable and small,

it gives us life.

Treat it wrong and,

it stabs like a knife.

Into pieces,

it may break.

It's not fixed so easily,

A life, it takes.

Created with love,

but used to destroy.

It's treated so wrong,

thrown about like a toy.

Baid-aids and kisses,

heal it slowly.

But forever it's broken,

oh, something so holy.

It's where He is,

it's where He stays.

Unconditionally giving,

His love doesn't fray.

Breakable and small,

it gives us life.

Treat it wrong,

it stabs like a knife.

Into pieces,

it may break.

It's not fixed so easily,

a life, it takes.

The Heart

The Soul

Red as blood,

Black as coal.

The Beat,

The Core,

Life for you, but

who are you for?

This is my heart.

This is my place.

These are my hands.

This is my face.

~This is who I am.~

I'll take any criticism, really, I know it's not that good, so I'd like to improve it in any way.

6 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I disagree with your review of your own poem, I think it is very good... it flows well, and it gives good imagery of how the heart and soul can be damaged. It is a well written, thoughtful poem that made me think of times I had been hurt... Keep up the good work! (You work especially well with imagery....)

  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    it is the 2d poem in 5 that I study which makes use of smile the other way up. an exceedingly solid poem would not use cliches. this may well be a very good poem in case you worked on it some greater. As to an ending, i'm able to yet i'm going to refrain from it until your poem is information study and better. teach me you're able to do it please, because of the fact i think of you could. Oh ok i won't be able to help myself. right this is a loose edit and the ending line. back there is the pouring rain repeating in this wintry climate day It trickles down the rusty drain It droops the wood in disarray I watch the monatony of the rain a on an identical time as I pay attention to this is splash pounding on our roof The peace message of it makes me smile As rain fogs the window with steamy aloof i'm so inspired I walk exterior The rain bathes and dances off my cheek And wets my hair like an Angel cried i like the tingle of nature's sparkling bliss Fluttering my lashes between drops I top My mouth opens to acquire. the moisture kiss Rain is magical as quickly as I make the hassle to work out All that it promises to mankind because it pours forth loose.

  • 1 decade ago

    it's good actually.. a bit odd.. because while reading i couldn't figure out what are you describing. that gives it an enigmatic touch and in the end it's uncovered which makes the peom complete in its entirity..

    a few grammatical errors and use of wrong words at places.. but a good attempt anyway..

    Unconditionally giving,

    His love doesn't fray.

    here love can't "fray".. fray is something different..

    try using "stray" (which also rhymes)

  • 1 decade ago

    Even i would disagree with ur review.Its an awesome peom.I just loved it.Keep writing

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i actually like it. i like the ending best. :)

    but i dont understand ur poem haha:P

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Not that bad.

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