What do you think of my story?

im thinking about handing this in for my english but id like some feedback that ISNT from my friends!

sorry if the grammar is a bit scewy...

A figure stood on top of the towering cliff, waves smashing into millions of fragmented pieces at its base. The skies were a thick, dense blanket of swirling grey and black, flashes of forked lightening speeding from the heavens to the earth lit up the cloudy twilight evening.

The figure upon the cliff was a sixteen year old girl, delicate yet as hard and rigid as the rock below her sandaled feet.

Her short, near black hair whipped her face as she looked out to the horizon with her crystal eyes. The ocean reflected back in her eyes but with more determination and ferocity than it ever could be in reality.

Her luminous, insipid, snow-white skin shone out like a beam of light, only some was not hidden by the dark dress and cloak wrapped around her slight frame. The folds of her dress whirl around her as the bitter, solid wind blew hard against her.

A red, painted smile sat on her lips as she felt the weight of the wind push her towards the edge of the cliff. One solitary step and she’d be free falling into the wild ocean below.

She closed her eyes and tipped forward. In an instant, she felt the wind change; it fought to keep her up on the cliff, to save her, instead of pushing her to the brink.

Icy, wet fingers closed around her as she landed in the water like a marionette with its strings cut. Everything was silent. The storm above could not be heard. The breaking of the waves against the harsh rock was subdued. Everything was quiet there. She felt her body spin and twirl beneath the churning waves. A dancer who had lost all control; the water, their partner.

With her arms spread wide, like she was flying, she rose to the surface, graceful like an angel. As her face broke the surface she gasped in a lungful of air yet her eyes remained closed. She just floated, looking serene and peaceful; the painted smile still on her lips. The lightening illuminated her face, making it even paler still. Rain was not yet falling but there was a sense of it in the air.

As her body floated to the land, her fingers brushed the sand beneath her finger tips, letting it slowly sift through the gaps.

On the beach, a boy had been waiting. Taller than her. Dark hair and dark eyes. In his hands were numerous paintbrushes that had been making contact with the easel behind him.

He walked casually over to her still and silent figure and picked her up. Her eyes fluttered open and a wide grin spread across her face. He places her wet feet on the soft sand and holding hands, they walked from the beach, leaving a small pile of paintbrushes littered in the sand and a canvas with the image of a figure standing above on a cliff, surrounded by lightening.

thanks!

Update:

oh yeah....i like read twilight but i had this long in my head before i read twilight. the girl on the cliff is one of my close friends and the guy is well...her perfect guy.... so she isnt bella and he sure isnt jacob XD as if JACOB would paint!! :P

6 Answers

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    Yeah that was very good. Very descriptive.

    Maybe a couple of improvements you could make:

    1. tell the color of her eyes. Seriously. "Her short, near black hair whipped her face as she looked out to the horizon with her crystal blue/gray/green eyes" sounds just a little better. If you're going to take the time to describe her eyes, don't let people wonder what color.

    2, "Her luminous, insipid, snow-white skin shone out like a beam of light, only some was not hidden by the dark dress and cloak wrapped around her slight frame" is a little confusing. Try "The small fractions of her luminous, insipid, snow-white skin that were not hidden by the dark (insert color here) dress and cloak wrapped around her slight frame shone out like a beam of light"

    3. The folds of her dress whirlED around her. The story is in past-tense.

    4. You told how the wind changed and fought to keep her on the cliff and then she's in the water. Tell how she fought the wind back. "she felt the wind change; it fought to keep her on the cliff, to save her, instead of pushing her to the brink, but it was not stronger than her will (or something like that). Icy wet fingers closed around her..."

    5. I think it would sound better if the paint brushes "had been kissing the easel behind him" instead of "making contact." personification always enhances a story.

    Other than that, your story is absolutely M&Mazing. It's beautiful and descriptive and I love the figurative language. You are a fantastic writer, and I'm sure your English teacher loves you. Have you considered writing as a career? I'd buy any book you write. ;)

  • amber
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    Your description is really vivid and your style great. However there are a couple of things I would suggest (it might seem picky but it will help you get better marks):

    "The skies were a thick, dense blanket of swirling grey and black, flashes of forked lightening speeding from the heavens to the earth lit up the cloudy twilight evening."

    Just be careful that you don't add too many commas. Sometimes it is better to start a new sentence or add a semi colon instead e.g.

    The skies were a thick, dense blanket of swirling grey and black. Flashes of forked lightening sped to the earth, lighting up the cloudy twilight evening.

    "Her short, near black hair whipped her face..."

    Is 'near' supposed to be neat? If so, hair that is whipping in the wind is not neat. Either drop the adjective or change it to wild.

    "The folds of her dress whirl around her as the bitter, solid wind blew hard against her."

    Past tense - whirled. Repetition of structure: 'around her... against her' water down the otherwise beautiful imagery. Simplify it so that the descriptive words stand out:

    The folds of her dress whirled around her in the bitter wind.

    (There is no need to say that the wind was blowing hard or was solid, her dress whirling about tells the readers this already)

    I love this line: 'A dancer who had lost all control; the water, their partner.' But is 'their' supposed to be 'her'?

    Like this one too: 'Rain was not yet falling but there was a sense of it in the air.'

    A great ending to a captivating story.

    One last correction: "He places her wet feet..." Check your tenses.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    You need to take out the bad pieces of personification and metaphors.

    On the first sentence, its quite awkward to think of water fragmenting. Don't make it too abstract. Actually, come to think of it, the first sentence is quite weak.

    Why not say:

    A figure stood on top of the towering cliff staring at the ocean as it smashes against the rough surface of the stones underneath.

    Okay.. that wasn't a masterpiece but you get the idea.

    Anyway, its nice but tone down the metaphors... and the personification, it makes you look like you don't have any good adjective to use.

  • 1 decade ago

    A dancer who had lost all control; the water, HER partner. This is really, really good. You have a great writting style. But honestly this is so much like twilight no publisher would think twice before throwing it out. you have the jumping from the cliff like in new moon, you have a girl that looks just like alice, and a boy that could possibly be jacob. if you've read twilight then that is probabily why this is so good, it's basically s.meyers words scrambled around. if you really want to write something think it up for yourself, and you could go far.

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  • 1 decade ago

    So awesome. Everything fits together and it flows. How you explained things made my heart skip a beat! Some people may call this just a story, but I call it a work of art.

  • 1 decade ago

    I loved it!

    Great story! I loved the ending.

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